How would you react?

[Tink]

My Moms best friend is my best friends mother. Following me so far? LOL
So anyway, these women are like family to us, and seriously have been with us well over 50 yrs.

My Moms friends hubby had a stroke 30+ yrs ago that landed him in a nursing home unable to do much for himself. His mind is unpredictable, he's unable to walk, and often doesn't make much sense. She has stuck by him this full time in spite of the fact that they really have no marriage or partnership anymore because of his condition. She's been faithful to him and ended up raising their 5 kids on her own while he sat in a nursing home, unable to help.

Recently, she met a man (in church of all places) who she's become friends with, and is very attracted to. He is a widower, so is just as lonely as she is. She has come to care for him enough that what she's been lacking in her marriage all this time is really depressing her. She is now considering divorcing her husband so that she can have a life again. She's 72 years old, and is in very good shape, but realizes she doesn't have forever and has been alone yet committed almost half that time.

She's asking her kids and friends if they would think poorly of her for filing for divorce so that she might still have some chance of a more normal life. What would you say to her?

[Janet]

Oh Tink....this is sad. I would tell her to check with an attorney first. She has stuck by her husband all this time and she needs to make sure she will be able to recieve what she is entitled to, I mean this is a lifetime that she has stuck by him. If none of that really matters to her...then I think she deserves to be happy. Does she want to remarry or can she settle for just as much time with him as possible? I don't see why anyone would think poorly of her, if they did, my personal opinion is they are just wanting their own needs met.

What are your thoughts?

[DianaB]

Wow, that's a hard one to have an answer for. I'm a firm believer in "til death do us part" but......I'm just not sure what to say to this. How does her family feel about it? Her happiness with this other man will depend on how they feel about it.

[Tink]

Thanks Janet, that's MY thinking on it too. She has sacrificed much of her life doing the "right thing" and for the most part hasn't even complained about it. She is really a wonderful lady and I think it's about time she has some happiness for herself. She could still have the same friendship with her hubby that she's had for the past 30+ yrs if it will help him, but wouldn't have to be lonely and depressed over the situation she's in.

She's taken her hubby home on weekends, holidays, etc as much as she can. He is incontinent, is a large man who she can't handle getting in and out of the wheelchair alone anymore, and I truly feel she's done far more than most would have already. I personally would be thrilled for her to finally be free to have some happiness for herself whether she remarried or not.

Sadly, people call her a saint for having been the loyal wife she has been. Yet people can be so cruel, and she's afraid she might earn the reputation of the complete opposite when news gets out. :(

[Tink]

It IS a tough situation.
Diana, that's the way the woman involved has always felt about it too. Which is why this is so hard for her. She has honored her vows, and part of her feels she should continue to... yet what they have is not a marriage in most ways. She still loves him, but it's not the way she should because he's not able to be there in any way for her. 30+ yrs of being his caretaker and facing life all alone has to have affected her.

She knows she could go from Saint to "heartless witch" in record time if she divorces him.

All 5 of her kids have told her they would love to see her happy and she's got their blessing. They don't see him as a father, because he's not been able to be one for so long. It's as if their father died long ago.

[Janet]

I would encourage her to find her happiness. I mean if her children are behind her, then she shouldn't worry about what others think.

[DianaB]

If her kids are alright with it I would say to go for it. I would hope that she would continue to check on her present husband and make sure that he's properly taken care of. This is a hard one for me because it goes against what I believe as a christian. I'm just glad that it's not me.

My Mom divorced my Dad after a very stressful marriage and she did it with my blessing. I have a hard time with divorce, but I knew that God had better things for her. She's been happily married to a wonderful man for about 12 years. He treats her like a queen and has really changed her life. So who am I to say that it's not right? As I said, tell her to go for it!

[Mandy]

Bless her heart! She has stood by hes side for 30 years, thats a very long time. It doesnt sound like that lady has had much of life, its about time she started living. Glad her children gave their blessings, that will make her feel better about the situation.
Tink, if i were you, i would encourage her.

I wish her a LOT of love & happiness!

[AngieDoogles]

Wow! What an amazing woman! I hope her children let her know how wonderful she has been in this situation and I'm glad she has you to tell her as well Tink. I think after all she has been through, she definitely deserves to be happy. If anyone looks down on her because of it, then they must not truly understand the situation. She has given so much of herself, I think it's about time for her to find happiness.

[Chandra Amaya]

Bless her heart! She has stood by hes side for 30 years, thats a very long time. It doesnt sound like that lady has had much of life, its about time she started living. Glad her children gave their blessings, that will make her feel better about the situation.
Tink, if i were you, i would encourage her.

I wish her a LOT of love & happiness!
I agree completely. I worked in nursing homes for almost 5 yrs. It is very sad to see what happens. MOST families drop someone off there & forget they exist. It's so nice to see someone who cares. I do think she should still check on him & I'm sure she would but she has been taking care of the body of her husband for over 30 yrs. I believe the soul can die with the mind long before the body does. She deserves happiness. She can't be miserable for the rest of her life because a tragedy took her husband's. & yes people may talk but he is basically dead. His body is still there but he is not the husband or father he was. Would anyone say something to her if she married 30 years after he had died? No...if people say something to her she just needs to remember that. No one else has walked in her shoes & most would NOT have made it over 30 years.

[Janet]

Please let us know how she is doing Tink. This thread has really touched my heart.

[Tink]

Thanks ladies! I feel she needs to have a life outside of that nursing home. She is such a good lady, and mother and friend. It's been just sad to see wht she's been through these past 30 yrs. Even her kids feel she's gone above and beyond.

Everyone so far has told her it's about time she does something for herself again.
I hope she will. I'll keep you posted if and when she does.

[Passionfruition]

Wow, I can only begin to fathom what her situation must be like for her! I think that, with the support and prayers of her family and friends, she can make the right decision - but like I said, I can only begin to imagine.

[AngieDoogles]

Thanks ladies! I feel she needs to have a life outside of that nursing home. She is such a good lady, and mother and friend. It's been just sad to see wht she's been through these past 30 yrs. Even her kids feel she's gone above and beyond.

Everyone so far has told her it's about time she does something for herself again.
I hope she will. I'll keep you posted if and when she does.

That's so great that her kids are accepting of her decision (whatever it may be). I truly hope she is able to find happiness and that no one will look down on her because of it. This poor woman really deserves to have a life of her own filled with as much happiness as possible. Thanks for keeping us posted.

[Emmsmom]

Wow!
OK my honest opinion is that I don't think it would be right to divorce him. Till death do you part is how I see it. Then, I think she also deserves a life. I am really on the fence about this one. It kinda hits close to home to be honest. My grandmother took care of my papa till the day he died. He had been sick for a long time. He had a few heart attacks and even a few mini strokes. He finally had a full blown stroke that left him unable to walk or talk. She had to teach him how to walk and talk all over. She also had to take care of home just like a toddler. he was even in the nursing home for a while just so that she could get a much needed break. When he died she was lost. Years down the road she remarried and she says that she is happy but that is a whole different story.

I can see that she wants a life and I can certainly understand it. I am just reaelly on the fence about this. Either way she needs to do what is right for her. If her kids are ok with it all (that is HUGE) then I wouldn't worry about what others think. This definately gives us something to think about should something like this ever happens to us.

[Gina]

This is such a hard call, I agree with mostly everyone on here. Traci said it best, to walk in someone else's shoes is a good description. I say whatever makes her happy and we are all entitled to happiness. Tell her to follow her gut and heart.. I wish her the best. She sounds like a wonderful person and was dealt a cruel hand.

[Marilyn]

This is a really tough one. I'm glad it is not my decision. This must be a really wonderful lady who has been through more than any of us can ever begin to fathom. My heart truly goes out to her. She of all people deserves happiness. The problem is that there is only one scriptural reason that divorce may be acceptable, and it appears that this condition has not been met.

There is absolutely no way that I can say what I would do in her situation. I know what I hope I would have the strength to do, but Lord willing, this decision is never one I would have to make.

Hugs to you, Tink and to everyone involved with this lady and her family.

[Taurus Babe]

That's really hard decision. Obviously, a very personal one too. [B]I[B] think that she should be with the man she has fallen in love with. It's only normal to crave love, and to crave the affection from someone else. She is an older woman, and if she wants this, I can only hope that her family and friends and community support her. Of course some in her community may not, but who are they to judge? I hope she finds love peace and happiness.

[gja1000]

This happened to a very dear friend of mine. His wife had severe Alzheimer's disease. She was in a locked unit in a nursing home. He met someone and they fell in love. They eventually moved in together and had a "blessing" ceremony, but did not get married until his wife died. He still visited his wife as before, cared for her and his new love helped. It is really hard, but everyone involved was supportive of the new couple. They are now in their 90's and still going strong! :)