I'm deeply hurt......

[DianaB]

With my FIL gone my MIL has to make some decisions like how she's going to leave things for her kids. After Frank's funeral it was decided that all of his farm equipment and tools would be left for all of her sons and all of the household stuff would be left to her daughers.

Let me add that my MIL has been a packrat for as long as I've known her. She used to go to auctions and buy boxes and boxes of antiques and take them home and do nothing with them. The boxes and everything else she has has piled up to where she has rooms that you can't go into and she lives in a huge home. Not only is the home filled but they also have a huge garage and the upstairs is filled as well. Enough for everyone, including the grandchildren to have something special that was their grandmother's. I pointed out to my husband that this decision doesn't leave anything to my children.

Yesterday they called a "Family Meeting" and that means ONLY my MIL and her children and she told them how things were going to be divided. My husband, bless his heart, spoke up about how unfair this is to the inlaws. Basically what she told my husband was that she's never considered me a part of her family! I've been married for 34 years! I've always felt that she never considered me a part but for her to have actually said it.....! My husband was very hurt to have even told me but he wanted me to know what was going on. I've been crying off and on since he told me. It's not just my MIL, it's also her daughters. They feel the same way.

I've decided that I'm done. I'm not going to her house anymore or to anymore of my MIL's family gatherings because there's all of my MIL's sisters and they are all just like her. The sad part is is that my husband has even seen how they are and it bothers him.

I keep telling myself that it's just stuff, but that's not what hurts. It was her comment. I'd appreciate it if you'd say a prayer for me because I don't want to be bitter over this or have hurts. I want to just be able to walk away with my head high knowing that I did the best that I could and that I was a good DIL and SIL in this family.

[Janet]

Diana, I am so sorry this has happened. My heart was aching for you, so I can imagine how much more your heart is aching.

I can understand you wanting something for your children, we as mothers always think of them and how they would feel. Your MIL obviously didn't care that she hurt her son, by saying that. I hope it won't hurt your husband by you not going, but I don't blame you one bit. It would be so hard to feel like you were welcome. I don't like being anywhere I'm not wanted.

You're right though, the estate is only things...maybe your children really don't want anything from her. Are there other grandkids that will recieve somthing? If so, that is a cruel thing for her to do to your kids.

I wish I had some easy thing to say to help you through this, but honestly..I don't. I would be just as hurt as you are.

My in-laws were always civil and nice, but I knew that they really didn't care that much. Not until shortly before each of them passed when they needed me...and I was there for them. Then I felt they cared...because then they knew for sure I did.

I'm here sweetie, if you want to talk.

[AngieDoogles]

Oh Diana, I am so sorry. I can't imagine how sad you must be. You have always been an incredible DIL. I can tell because of how hard you've tried to connect with her. (Like that special 3 day personalized gift you bought her.) It's really sad that she has not appreciated you for the wonderful person you are. I know it sounds cliche, but SHE is the one missing out. Really. I know I have been touched by your friendship even though we are miles apart...she could have had a great friend and family member in you, if she would only try. :(

I'm sure your children are hurt by this decision, but at least they have you and you have done so many things to make their lives more special and meaningful. That is something they will never forget. They are lucky to have you and I'm sure they realize this, especially in light of how their grandmother is treating them.

Again, I am so sorry that this happened. I'm sending you hugs! :ghug:

[DianaB]

Thanks so much, you two! I'm glad that she said it to my husband because he never believed that his family felt that way. Now he knows and he knows how much it hurt me. I'll have to tell the kids later because right now I think that I'd just start crying but they know how I've been treated in the past so it won't be a surprise to them. The sad part is is that Glen's brother has a wonderful wife and she's probably included in all of my MIL's remarks too. I'll have to talk to her later.

Janet, you asked if she had other grandchildren who would receive something and the answer is yes. My MIL has always had favorites- each of her daughters have 2 children, a granddaughter and 3 grandsons. Even my kids know that she's had favorites. Isn't that sad?

Jaci was helping to clean her house one time and found a large prism. You know, like you hang in the window to make rainbows on the wall (Jaci has several in her window.). Jaci admired it and then someone told her where to put it, but by the end of the day my MIL gave it to her favorite granddaughter. Jaci still talks about it.

I'm always reminded when this granddaughter's birthday is but there's hardly ever mention about Jaci's birthday which is the next day. My husband has noticed that one too. I could go on and on with stuff like that. I've always tried to ignore it but at times it was hard. This really feels like a slap in the face, but I'll get over it.

[Emmsmom]

I just have to say that I understand EXACTLY how you feel!!!

My MIL is the same way. We talk to keep to the peace basically. However, she has treated my daughter like a red-headed step childfor years! She has 6 grandchildren and 1 step granddaughter. For years my daughter(who isn't the step-grandchild, she is treated better than my own) who is only 10 has gone without a birthday card and/or present, and hasn't been sent a Christmas card and/or present either. We live about 3 hours away but we use to live only 30 min away. Since we have moved the presents have all stopped. MInd you she has a son who lives in Florida that she MAILS cards and gifts to all the time!!! When my daughter was little she was never invited to go to movies or to go get ice cream,or to even go shopping, and OH she was never invited to go to the beach. The other grandchildren were invited to do it all.

This has been going on for YEARS!For the past few years I have had to MAKE my DH call his mom and dad on Mother's and Father's day. No more... I have had about all I can take. I didn't mean to hijack your post. I just wanted to let you know that I REALLY do understand how you feel. All I can do is offer a ((HUG))...

I still haven't gotten over it just ask Tink. LOL She hears all about it from time to time. My MIL has talked about her jewelry and how she wants to leave this to so and so... Of course my daughter's name and my husband's name are never mentioned. I wish I could offer a solution but I am still searching for my own. It is really hard to handle and feelings do get hurt. If you are like me you are personally not hurt by this but you are hurting because your children are being treated this way. I can't say that I blame you one bit for not wanting to go over there anymore. It sure would be hard for me! ((HUGS))

Tink has said it many times... You can mess with me all you want but you had better not mess with my kids!

[Forgivenmom5]

I am so sorry Diana!! You should not be treated that way. You are a warm and loving person. Hold your head high and know that you are the better person.

[DianaB]

Thanks so much, Debbie!

Emmsmom, it sure sounds like our MILs must be sisters! I can see that you have to deal with a lot of the same stuff that I do. It's hard to deal with especially when it affects your children. I'm here if you ever need to vent!!!!!

I just keep trying to figure out what I did wrong. My problem isn't just my MIL but also her sisters. They have always been a very unaccepting family toward people married in and for the last few years I've taken the brunt of their unaccepting ways. I'm not a very good conformer and I'm not about to be bullied.

[Emmsmom]

Good for you! I wouldn't give in either. Just keep trying to remember that there will come a day when she will need you.....In my case I told my husband that his mom and dad had better go to the other kids because they won't get any help from me. You have been a good wife to her son for 34 years.. You deserve some respect and if she isn't willing to give it then to hell with them I say! I am here if you need to vent as well. Take Care!

[Tink]

Diana, that just plain stinks.
I dare bet it's nothing you've done or NOT done. It's them who have narrow minds and hearts and couldn't manage to include you and yours. As Emms said, "to H#!! with them and their attitude.

The older I get, the more shocked I am by the number of families that are just plain messed up and hateful. It sounds like your MIL is in that category. It's sad, but she's the one missing out... and she's too stubborn and foolish to see it.

HUGS we all know you're a wonderful person and love you dearly. It's not the love of a mother in law, but it's the love of friends and peers for one who deserves it.

[Gina]

Oh Diana.. Please don't get upset , your MIL and her family sound like ignorant people. I am sorry to say that. You are a wonderful woman , she should be so happy that her son has a wife who has been by his side for so many years and have mutual love and respect for each other. Not to many couples have what you have in your marriage. I think she sounds like a bitter old woman, and your SIL are no better. They probably are all jealous bitties.

In all honesty your husband shouldn't have told you . I understand that he is hurt also but this will sever whatever little relationship you have had. As far as your kids, what kind of grandmother would favor one over the other. My mother had 10 and loved them all equally. Diana honey these are your children and to h*@**@ with her..


I will keep you in my prayers. Diana it's not you, you are a beautiful person inside and out.. We all love you so please don't cry anymore... :ghug: :ghug:

[Janet]

Sounds like everyone is agreeing 100% on this Diana. It will probably be sad at her funeral. When people are allowed to say something like at your FIL....no one will want to say anything for her. What a big difference.

It was like that with my in-laws too. When my FIL passed...there were so many people, but he knew a lot, from the floral buisness. But when my MIL passed...there was mostly just family. Since it was a mixed family...I felt sorry for my MIL kids....(FIL stepkids)

[Dobie]

I know it will probably sound cliche, but it's the truth - by not recognizing what a wonderful person you are, and opening her heart to you, she is the one who is losing out - not you.

Keep your chin up!

[judy]

I'm so sorry that you're hurt Diana. I can't understand her reaction to you. I think I have to agree with Gina. They're jealous of you. You and your dh have something special between you, your children are wonderful, and you are so good
and enjoy life so much. Your strong faith is also something they must envy.

I would just love to have you in my family! I would be so proud!

Life is too short and too sweet to waste your time on people like them!

[teri88]

Oh Diana, I know that really hurts! I can't say anything that will make it hurt less, I'm so sorry you are going through this. And when you see her hurt your children...well, I know the mama bear in you wants to ring her neck!

My BIL who has been in the family as long as I have said some very hateful things at my 40th birthday party. It just shattered me. It was 9 years ago and it still hurts. I decided to comepletly ignore him at every family party. I would just look him in the face and walk away. The problem was every time I did that it brought the anger back inside of me. I finally realized that he just wasn't worth it. I let go of the anger, I'm civil to him if I have to see him. It's helped me alot because I don't waste my energy on hating him anymore. Don't let her have that much power over you, she's not worth it. You are a wonderfull person and you know what? It's her loss!

[HALEY]

Diana,
I know when a family member passes in my family, there belongings go to the immediate family members sons/ daughers, i never heard of Grandchildren getting anything, that's a new one to me, but everyone is different. Then again if you think about it most of the stuff is junk anyways...

As for the remark your mother in law made, i think that was way out of line. I don't blame you for not going over there anymore, All of my husband's family members are like that, there all off my lists for Christmas cards, Birthday invitations, etc. I just pertend they don't exist, life is much happier to us...
I posted a couple of things my monster in law did to me, i need not say anymore, your better off with out them. I know i am..
Just remember one thing what comes around goes around, i remember my Grandmother on my dad's side, she had nothing to do with us, her own Grandchildren cause she didn't like my mother, and guess who got stuck taking care of her when she was dying, my sister did cause she owns a personal care home... so believe me it comes around...

[DianaB]

Sounds like everyone is agreeing 100% on this Diana. It will probably be sad at her funeral. When people are allowed to say something like at your FIL....no one will want to say anything for her. What a big difference.

It was like that with my in-laws too. When my FIL passed...there were so many people, but he knew a lot, from the floral buisness. But when my MIL passed...there was mostly just family. Since it was a mixed family...I felt sorry for my MIL kids....(FIL stepkids)

Actually, when I go to town I have people all the time asking how my MIL is and telling me how wonderful she is. I just let them think that I agree with them and go on. Being in her family is different than being a friend.

Things are stirred up so we'll see what happens. There's some things that really need to be discussed.

My FIL always had a saying that went something like this.....

"If we were to take all of our troubles and pack them in a bag and place them in the middle of a room and everyone had to pick up a bag. I'd pick up mine and you'd pick up yours." Our troubles really don't seem so bad when we look at what someone else is going through.

Thanks so much for your support. I so appreciate each of you!!! {{{{{HUGS}}}}}}

[AngieDoogles]

I love that saying Diana. How true it is! I'm sorry that your "bag" is so heavy right now. Hopefully it will get better! *hugs*

[HALEY]

Actually, when I go to town I have people all the time asking how my MIL is and telling me how wonderful she is. I just let them think that I agree with them and go on. Being in her family is different than being a friend.

Things are stirred up so we'll see what happens. There's some things that really need to be discussed.

My FIL always had a saying that went something like this.....

"If we were to take all of our troubles and pack them in a bag and place them in the middle of a room and everyone had to pick up a bag. I'd pick up mine and you'd pick up yours." Our troubles really don't seem so bad when we look at what someone else is going through.

Thanks so much for your support. I so appreciate each of you!!! {{{{{HUGS}}}}}}

This is going to sound stupid Diana, but i got this from a poem i read, i have an old pine tree at my house, and when i get home from work, i always walk pass that tree and touch it, and i tell God i'm hanging my work problems on that tree, I never want to bring my work troubles home with me, and i tell God i'll pick them up tomorrow before i go to work, and like the poem says, there is not as many problems the next day hanging on that old tree...

[Shada]

Oh Diana, I am so sorry you are going thru this with your MIL.

It speaks for her character (lack of) that she felt the need to express in words how she fells. That was just wrong. I know you are a great mother and wife. Your only concern about this matter should be your children and husband. They know the truth. As for her, she also knows what a happy life you are making for her son and grandchildren. Don't let her push you out of family gatherings because of her mean mouth. Keep a smile on your face. Continue on as you have been doing. I would not do over do the welcome when I saw her, but I would keep a smile and let her know it doesn't bother me.

My ex MIL was the same. She did not hesitate to tell my husband how she felt about me in her family. Then she wondered why we were not close. Duh!! He always told me what she said. And it hurt.

Good luck to you. Hang in there. Prove you are the stronger one with class.
{{HUGS}}

[Gina]

Just a comment here.. It's so sad that MIL don't realize that at one time they took someone's son away from their mother.. I must say I had a beautiful loving MIL, she would always side with me against her son when he was wrong.. She passed away 3 yrs. ago.

Diana just be your sweet self and like some have said ignore her and just don't go out of your way. Be civil and go about your business . Her loss.

[goofywife]

Diana,

I am so sorry, that was a very hurtful thing to say. We rarely have any contact with my DH family. They still hold it against him for moving to OK from NJ. We have been married for 15 years and not one person in his family has ever come to visit us. We have gone back several times. The last time we said to ourselves we are done. We will not go back up there again.

When my DH was a small boy (his mother and father divorced), his father remarried and when his new wife was due to have a baby, he pulled my DH aside and told him that he (my FIL) had a new family now and could not spend time with him.

People can be mean to thier own family. Some day, when (if) they stand before God, he will have something to say about it.

All you can do is move on and don't waste you time on things/people that are hurtful.

You are a wonderful person, don't believe what anyone else says. It is thier loss!

Michelle

[goofywife]

Hmm, see that is how sweet you are. I would say "really, you must see a different side of her than I do." I would shake my head with a confused look on it and walk away.

Actually, when I go to town I have people all the time asking how my MIL is and telling me how wonderful she is. I just let them think that I agree with them and go on. Being in her family is different than being a friend.

[Marilyn]

Diana, so sad that you and your hubby are going through this. There is no advice that I can give that has not already been expressed other than the obvious which I'm sure you are already doing, pray for her. She needs to repent and change her attitude or she may find that when her time does come, her reward may not be what she is expecting.

[Janet]

Diana, I've read your original post a dozen times. Somehow I missed it about your sisters-in-law and the sisters of your MIL. How can all the women in her family feel the same way? Are they all blind to how to have an open and inviting heart?

They have got to be so unhappy. When I think of people like them Diana...it makes me so tired. It takes a lot of energy to be that way.

I hope you're feeling a little better my friend.

[HALEY]

Diane, you should tell your husband to tell his mother to take that will and shove it up her butt! You don't need her or her left over junk!
Your a beautiful lady and if they don't see that, then it's there loss, you been married to this man for many of years and taking care of him and your children and if she don't respect you now she never will..
I have the same problems with my in-laws, i just wrote them off..
Don't waste your tears or time on his family !!