Divorces

[Tiramisu]

I'm getting really paranoid about divorce "rubbing off" at my office. I had three guys in my group - Rudy, Jamie, and Terry. Rudy got a divorce in August, after 22 years. Terry is in the middle of getting a divorce, after 14 years. Now, Jamie, who recently transferred from my group, called to tell me that his wife is threatening divorce, after 28 years, and he's trying to get her into counselling. Jamie feels that it will probably end in a divorce, but says he'll do everything to make it work.

Rudy's wife, Nancy, never worked outside the home and raised two daughters. When the youngest graduated HS, Nancy told Rudy that she didn't feel she had been properly compensated for her years of duty to him and the girls. He drug her to counselling, but her mind was set. The girls (21 and 19) are at odds, thinking they have to pick a parent to side with. One's sided with Mom and one with Dad and the arguing continues as they are both at the same college. He said the holiday was terrible.

Terry's wife, Heather, has worked, but jumps from one job to another, with Terry doing most of the raising of their two sons (11 and 8). She took the boys and moved to an apartment and Terry's trying to hold onto the house. They have not settled on splitting assets to finalize the divorce.

Jamie's wife, Julie, has never worked outside the home and raised their son and daughter, while travelling and living abroad with Jamie on his job. All Jamie does is come to work. Julie does the yardwork, makes his lunch and dinner, laundry, etc. - EVERYTHING. Jamie recently got a promotion to a high management position and Julie feels he's working too much and not spending enough time with her.

I might be extra nice to Harold tonight!

[DianaB]

I've heard that "divorce" is contagious. That's too bad about all three of their marriages.

The last couple, Jamie and Julie, need to read the book, The Five Love Languages, because the wife is basically saying that she needs quality time from her husband. The book was great help for my husband and I when we hit a bump. I was saying the same thing as Julie.

[judy]

They have all been married for a long time. Too bad their marriages are ending, especially with children involved.

In my opinion, wife #1 is a bit of a psycho, wife #2 sounds like she jumps from man to man as well as from job to job, and wife #3 should rethink this. I hope they can work it out. She just wants more of him.

[Janet]

Judy...I just love your opinion on this. You crack me up!!

[judy]

Judy...I just love your opinion on this. You crack me up!!

Can you imagine if I were a therapist? Just tell it like it is....How much fun that would be.

Example: Patient "I have a problem. I'm a sex addict."

Me, as a therapist "HaHaaHaHHHaaaa. (after I stop laughing). Get over yourself honey. That's just a stupid excuse to cheat."

[Tiramisu]

Judy, you would never make a penny, nobody would want to hear that truth!

[Janet]

Maybe you should have been a comedian. You could be known as "The Therapist." So funny!!!

[Gina]

Sandy, That is sad.. But many people who are married so long have stayed for their children. IMO they sacrificed all those years and when it will get easier they leave. Go figure! Maybe like Judy said there may be hope for the last couple she seems to be lacking quality time with her husband. Maybe you can suggest he start wining and dining her to get her back.. Just a thought!


Judy your too funny!!

[Janet]

I'm pretty sure, but not positive of course, that if it wasn't for my son, I would have been gone a long long time ago.

[Tiramisu]

Heck, I stay because I want it all, not just half! I'm joking, I stay because I want to be with my Hubby, but we've almost stopped talking, settled into a boring life.

[Passionfruition]

Divorce is sad, no matter the circumstance...

But contagious? Seriously?!

When I went through my divorce, most of my friends were young married couples from church...and they just stopped calling, stopped hanging out, even stopped acknowledging me in the church hallways. Once good friends, who all the sudden avoided me. I always said I guessed they thought I had the divorce disease.

That's SO short sighted. Please don't be one of those people. Divorce hurts, and treating divorcees like they're contagious makes the hurt worse.

[DianaB]

What I meant by saying that divorce is contagious is that if I'm best friends with someone and she and her husband are having problems and she's complaining about her marriage then I'm likely to complain about my marriage too. It makes me look at my marriage differently. I've know women who were good friends that have gotten divorced about the same time.

I didn't mean that as friends we should avoid people who are getting a divorce. We do have to safe guard our marriages so we don't join in and think that we're unhappy too.

Val, I'm sorry that your friends didn't support you during that time. Please don't think that I was telling people to avoid those that are going through divorces because that isn't what I meant at all.

[Tiramisu]

Do you think TV, movies, and/or talk shows have anything to do marriage decline? I just feel that some people put more effort into shafting their spouse in a divorce than they did in the marriage. Terry did and does most of the caretaking of the boys and Heather just wants to spend the money. Her latest thing on stalling the divorce is that she wants him to pay her medical insurance. She's keeping him on the string as long as she can because he's paying her house rent ($1800) until the divorce is final.

[blowry]

Divorce is sad, no matter the circumstance...

But contagious? Seriously?!

When I went through my divorce, most of my friends were young married couples from church...and they just stopped calling, stopped hanging out, even stopped acknowledging me in the church hallways. Once good friends, who all the sudden avoided me. I always said I guessed they thought I had the divorce disease.

That's SO short sighted. Please don't be one of those people. Divorce hurts, and treating divorcees like they're contagious makes the hurt worse.

I agree....I was married to a local man/boy, for 19 years (was with him for 4 before we married). Where we were from the same town people knew both of us. He was an abusive alcoholic and I felt after 19 yrs it was time for me to leave. My girls were 18 yrs and 14 yrs old. It was very very hard on them. Even though I was the one that wanted to divorce, it was the hardest thing I had ever done..I just couldn't take it anymore. Of course I didn't go around telling people what went on in my house and, when I finally asked him to leave my "friends" (I use that term loosely) were not there for me. Some were but, most of them walked away from me. A really "good friend's" (I thought I had) husband wouldn't let her visit me or even talk to me on the phone..... When you go through something like this you find out who your true friends are and....they aren't always who you think.

[Janet]

I don't know Sandy if it has helped with the decline, but I think it makes everyone think it's so easy with no one getting hurt...and that's bull.

[judy]

I agree....I was married to a local man/boy, for 19 years (was with him for 4 before we married). Where we were from the same town people knew both of us. He was an abusive alcoholic and I felt after 19 yrs it was time for me to leave. My girls were 18 yrs and 14 yrs old. It was very very hard on them. Even though I was the one that wanted to divorce, it was the hardest thing I had ever done..I just couldn't take it anymore. Of course I didn't go around telling people what went on in my house and, when I finally asked him to leave my "friends" (I use that term ldoo oosely) were not there for me. Some were but, most of them walked away from me. A really "good friend's" (I thought I had) husband wouldn't let her visit me or even talk to me on the phone..... When you go through something like this you find out who your true friends are and....they aren't always who you think.

I know what you mean when you say "it was the hardest thing I had ever done."

I also asked him to leave and it broke my heart to do that to him. My first ex left me and it was just easier. It wasn't easy, just easier.

I lost a lot of friends like you Val and Brenda. I felt that some of the females who I thought were my friends did not want their husbands near me. I was that lonely, vulnerable, divorced woman who would (in their minds) go with anyone out of desperation. Yeah, like that would ever happen! Although, quite a few of the husbands in our group did come to visit me without their wives along. Some men are pigs.

You do find out the true nature of people at a time like that.

I do, however, find that most of my married friends are in very good marriages now. I think you have something there Diana. I don't think it really pertains to divorce only, but if you surround yourself with positive people, you will also be a positive person and vice versa.