Wonderful post Tink. I agree with every word. I really appreciate you sharing your wisdom with us!

[B]I agree 100 percent with Tink. The only thing I have to say is that your son should not be the reason you stay in your marriage. It's the reason you should make damn sure that the marriage is over before ending it but certainly not the reason to exist in a relationship. Believe me when I say that as your child gets older he will realize that things are not right in his house. By the time he is a young teen he'll know exactly what is going on and resentment for one or the other or both will form. Divorce is hard on a child but it's far harder for them to live with parents that do not get along. Elaine

I agree with Elaine on this one too. I only say this because I know of a family that stayed together for the children. It really did a number on them later. I really hope that you all can work things out. ((HUGS))

Tink always has the best advice and knows how to word it so beautifully.

Haley, the only thing I can say is, if you knew he was this way...you should have ran the other way. I've been married almost 34 years now. You know I've been painting...well, my husband has never lifted a paint brush, never asked if he could help or anything of that nature. It's the reason too that we sided the outside of our house and buildings...I was the one that painted them. If I want things to look nice and stay nice....it's up to me. Don't think you can change them....it won't happen. So if having help is important to you...then my advice is run! I should have.

I am sorry but that is just too funny! :yelrotflmao: I will have to remember that one!:D

My first marriage was a disaster, we didn't have sex the last 2 years of it - he said it was a "Chore" - just like washing the dishes or changing a tire. Turns out he had at least one affair.

My current husband is the best thing that's ever happened to me - I tell people I don't regret my first marriage because it has allowed me to really appreciate how wonderful Jim is. He sings "You are my sunshine" to me every night right before we go to bed, then holds my hand as we fall asleep because he says he can't fall asleep unless he's touching the love of his life.
As far as chores go - we set aside time everynight for general chores and we play music and dance around the house while we clean. Everything gets done a lot quicker when you do it together. After cleaning time, we jump in the shower and he washes my hair for me - it's our quiet time together when nothing from the outside world can intrude.

Michelle, i was raise in a house where my parents were very unhappy and it does effect you when you are older, and i refuse to do that to my child...

Janet i know what you mean about the house looking nice i was 6 months pregnant and painting my kitchen! I had friends over to help, then after the baby was born a good friend of mine came over to help me, then that's when Mike decided to get off his butt and help! He probably didn't want to look bad infront of another person in the house!

Yes it does suck,,, I had a doctors apt yesterday, then one of my girlfriends called, so i called home a told Mike i was going to stop and have a couple beers with my girlfriend, it was so nice to get out for a couple of hours.
Then i get home, there are dishes everywhere, Mike is sleeping in the chair, Micah got a hold of the baby powder and look out it was everywhere!!! and i do mean everywhere, even the dogs were white, I woke up Mike and told him i was going to bed!!!!
Well who do you think got stuck with all the mess this morning!!! I had to get ready for work, get Micah ready, and try and clean the best i could before i left. it looks like i'll be bringing the rug shampoo out and cleaning the rugs tonight...
oh what fun....

Yes, Elaine...it sucks big time. He has to be reminded the yard needs mowed too. He's either blind or just plain stupid. I can't hardly stand to touch his clothes to wash them, but I do refuse to fold them. I use to, but then I would open up the chest of drawers and he had such a mess in them. So I decided not to even open them anymore. Why would I want to get myself upset. I should've left a long...long time ago!

I hated that my post to Haley sounded so cold, but she has two choices from where I sit. Get used to it and don't let it bother her...or get out.

Janet your post wasn't cold, your 100% right, i'm not happy and i need to make a choice and one very soon, your like me i do wash his clothes then i throw them in a pile downstairs and that's where they sit, i use to clean out his drawers all the time and they would get messed up the next day, and i would get so upset. now i just don't care.. if he wants to live like a pig then, let him i moved all his stuff downstairs in the basement because he was a pig. and there's clothes everywhere. and i don't care...

I've been silent in this thread so far. Lots of people have given you lots of advice. If you sit back and just look at the situation. What I see is two people who knew going into the marriage that there were some fundamental differences in personalities and expectations, but something brought you together. You decided for some reason to get married. Why? What brought you together? What made you think that he is the one you wanted to spend the rest of your life with? You need to stop and think on this. You say he's a pig and was when you married him. There must have been something attractive about this pig.

Newlyweds need time together. Time to get to know one another and establish a relationship. You need time to talk about everything, the past, the present, the future. You have to learn his quirks and he needs to get to know yours. When you throw into the mix a child right away, two dogs, two jobs and a house you are trying to maintain and remodel. It's no wonder you don't know each other and have not established your strong marriage relationship. You went for it all way too quickly. Newlyweds need to live in an apartment for a while with no grass to mow, and no pets so they can focus on each other.

Whether you decide to try to make it work or to dump him, you need to look at your lives. In order to have the time to build your futures whether that is together or apart, you need to simplify. In my opinion, you need to live with the house the way it is for a while, forget the remodel for now, or sell it and buy something or rent something that does not require so much energy. You may consider giving the dogs to caring family or friends so you have more time. If your dogs are yorkies, I know they take a lot of your time. Get back to the basics, you, your husband and Micah. Also, don't stress so much about everything being spotless. There is a certain level of sanitation we should all maintain, but if the dishes don't get done because you are spending time with your husband and child, so what. The dishes won't be hurt, just put a little clorox in the dishwater when you do get to them.

The most important priorities in your life right now are your husband and your child. God should be first, of course, but you have so much going on right now, you need to start with prayer and consider some of what I've said here.

These are just my thoughts and opinions, but if you step back and take a look at the big picture, this is what I see from my vantage point. After 35 years of marriage and 54 years of living, I've learned that we need to focus our time on the most important things in life, and relationships are way up on the list. Houses come and go, and so do things. Pets while we enjoy them a lot, should not be our focus when you have so much else going on. They live a few years and then they are gone. The older you get, the less important some of the details become.

I'm still stressed out over little things myself, so the pot is sitting here calling the kettle black a bit, but my dishes aren't clean right now, and it's okay because hubby and I are busy living and we have a daughter we want to spend some time with this weekend. He and she are what is important to me, not that pot I used to cook spagetti, or the unfolded laundry in the laundry room.

Marylin, He did help me alot when the baby was born, i just guess the newness of the baby wore off! He was so happy when he found out i was pregnant then that wore off too, he only went to two doctors visits with me. and he was there when Micah was born... I sat home by myself for 9 months while he went out with his friends every weekend, and i'm still pissed about that today. that really hurt..
I do love Mike and i always will, i tryed to talk to him, tried yelling, bitching, nagging. nothing works he's in his own little world.
I was attracted to him in high school but we dated a couple years after that, Mike is very good looking man, somewhat of a bad boy, the Harley Davidson guy that i fell in love with, we both love to ride motorcycles. that's one of the reason i fell in love with him. we use to go out every weekend and have a blast with our friends, but you can't do that anymore when you have kids, i grew out of that lifestyle and he seems to not want to let it go! and i believe i got pregnant way too soon, on my honeymoon! it just went so fast, we were married then i was a mother, yes all you ladies were right there was no us time. plus taking on an old house remolding it. I try to make us time, go out to dinner, but he always calls his friends to meet up with us, and he knows that pisses me off. why he does it i don't know.. Were going to have a couple of days off and i will set some us time once again, to try and talk to him, and see what he wants to do... I am willing to try once again, but i need him to try too. well see what the weekend brings.

Haley you said the most important thing of all at the end of your last post:that you are willing to try and you need him to try too. It will take both of you to save this marriage if it's going to be saved. You guys really need to consider counceling. He has a lot of growing up to do and he's not going to listen to you, he needs to hear it from an "outsider".

I do try Teri, but it seems like i'm the only one trying! it just gets so frustrating i just want to scream or pull all my hair out...

Haley, Sweetie, I'm going to hit you a bit hard here, so brace yourself. First, this needs to also be prefaced with the fact that you need to be discussing this with a councelor. Okay, here goes, did he want the old house to fix up, or did you? Did he agree to it because you wanted it so bad, not realizing what he was signing up for? And why do you have to completely give up your motorcycling lifestyle just because you have a child? You're available time to go out is greatly reduced by having a child, but you could schedule some time for Micah to stay with a sitter once in a while so you could go out on the scooter together. Just think how much better you would feel about life after spending some time on the back of your ride with the wind in your face and your arms around Mike. Micah is an amazing child, and you are being a very responsible mom. Building the relationship with his dad is part of your responsibility. If he were abusing you, or sleeping around, what I'm expressing here would not apply, but it doesn't sound like that is the case.

Look at this from his perspective. He married a fun gal that he enjoyed doing crazy biker things with and he got an old house with lots of time consuming work and a yard, a child, and a wife who is placing a lot demands on him. You've only been married two years. You have taken on responsibilities that stress much more mature relationships.

Just think about it. He has a lot of maturing to do. That's obvious!! but, try to look at it from his perspective, too.

I sincerely hope that you do get to spend some quality time together this weekend. Please let us know how it goes. And, please understand that my words come from a caring heart. If I didn't care, I'd have skipped this thread. You and Mike are in my sincerest prayers.

I think that Marilyn has given you some really good advice.

My husband doesn't do hardly anything around the house either, but I refuse to dwell on it. He's a good, hard-working man in every other area. I appreciate his hard work and I don't want or like to be naggy at him when he's home. Our home is a place of refuge that I want him to come to, not be driven away from by my negative words.

I mow the yard everytime it needs mowed. I have a basement that leaks and I've waited and waited for it to be repaired so I finally found something and, hopefully, I have it stopped for awhile. He does help empty the dishwasher some and will do some cleaning to help out, but not very often. My husband has the whole winter to get things done that he can't get done in the summer because he's busy, but nothing gets done. We've lived in our new home now for 9 years and basically I have nothing in the back yard. It's sloped and the dirt is washing away. I have rotten wooden steps from my back door and no patio, nothing. I could go on and on about what doesn't get done because there are many, many things. I try to do the best that I can to keep things up. I get fustrated, very fustrated, but I still appreciate him. I try to look at the positives and there's a lot more positives than negatives. I have a wonderful marriage because I refuse to dwell on the problems.

I have to join the other 50-something ladies here... We've been there, seen it, lived it and watched our friends go through it as well.
My husband drives semi, so is home maybe 1-2 days a week at most. Needless to say he's not been here helping with housework or child care as his job simply doesn't allow it. When he does get home the last thing he wants to do is go somewhere again, so our time together is usually spent at home together. He eats out all week, so his ideal is to have a home cooked meal and to be able to relax in front of the TV (which he doesn't see all week) or unwind with the puppies, catch up with the kids, and so on.

It would be SO easy for he and I to lose touch if we didn't truly work at it. I could resent his being gone and the fact that I was for the most part a single parent to the children HE so desperately wanted. Yet I know that he loves his profession and the freedom it affords him, and it was this independent yet loving man that I fell in love with, so it would be rather self-defeating to try to change him to fill my idea of a more helpful mate.
We live a very simple life, and I try not to ask too much of him when he is here. Rather, we try to just enjoy our time together and appreciate each other for who we are and support each others dreams. It's this that's kept us together when most of our friends have parted.

OMG! Soo freaking sweet!

Diana, I think those two quotes really sum up what it takes to have a good marriage. I try so hard to be supportive to my husband, and when I put forth that little extra effort, I can see almost immediately that it comes back to me ten times as strong. When he feels loved and uplifted, it's much easier for him to think to do nice things like empty the dishwasher or start a load of laundry or write me a sweet note or plan a surprise. He always finds the sweetest way to thank me when I encourage him and the smile on his face, the light in his eyes when I make him feel loved is priceless!

Haley, my suggestion to you (on top of the many wonderful suggestions you've already received) is to find a new way to show him that you love him. Let him see your effort and let him know that you are doing it because you want HIM to feel loved and special. When he sees your effort and love for him, it might just make him want to try harder to make your marriage work. I think there's an old song that says "love isn't love until you give it away." How true is that!

Haley,

I'm going to keep my feelings out of this thread. Having been divorced twice, I don't want to participate in the flow of the thread.

I do want to say though that I am praying for the best possible outcome for all of you.

I wish I would have thought of that!!! Next time in this kind of thread, I'm gonna run it past you first...LOL

:friendship::heart:

The house i bought on my own Marlyin when Mike and i were broke up, it was an estate sale and it was in my budget at the time, as for fixing it up, i spend almost my entire savings doing it myself with the help of some very good friends. When Mike and i got back together that's when he started helping me fix the house up, and there not to much more that needs to be done, if Mike would do it! I can't get him to do anything! When i save some money for the kitchen and bathroom i will hire people to finish the house if that's the way he wants to be. I learned my lesson on the house stuff.
As for riding the motorcyle, the reason it has been sitting in the garage all summer is Mike is on his Second DUI and he has an interlock in my car and i had to surender the motorcycle plates! cause he refuses to Grow up and act like an adult when he rides the bike he hooks up with his friends and can't control his drinking and driving, he gets his lis. back August 8th and i am so affraid he'll do it again, and i'm so sick of bitching at him, he knows the next time he gets caught he'll spend a year in jail, and that's were he will stay unless his mother gets him out. I refuse to put anymore of my hard earned money into a nother DUI, i already spent borrowed money off my family invested 4,000 in getting him out of trouble sick to death of it.... Yes i love to ride but i can't afford to ride with him...
I really didn't want to get into all this, but i didn't want to look or sound like such a nag all the time, but this is the reason i bitch so much, i scared he'll go back to jail again... he's an alcoholic and he knows it...

Wow, Haley. Sounds like you are a very ambitious and driven young lady to take on a house like this on your own. Also sounds like he came into this with his eyes wide open. I would have never guessed that he had a suspended license and DUI's. You said previously that he is getting a company truck this summer. I drive a company truck, but if I have more than two moving violations in 7 years, I am repremanded and in danger of losing the truck. My company does full background checks and a DUI will prevent you from driving a vehicle for a minimum of 7 years, so there would be no way anyone with a suspended license and two DUI's would ever get a company truck until at least 2015, and that would be after they had stayed clean that long.

Haley, if I spoke inappropriately, please accept my most sincere apologies. With the information available, I drew some inappropriate conclusions.

Not sure what I'd do in your position. You are in a really tough spot. My very best wishes and prayers are with you. :justahug:

Don't worry about it marylin, i knew what i was getting into, the promises that he would stop drinking, etc. he did stop drinking for 6 months after the baby was born and he is working so much now that he don't have the time to drink and can't drink and drive with and interlock in my car.
As for the company truck his boss is no angell when it comes to Dui's he has 3 of them,,, so Mike will get the truck when he gets his lisc. back he needs to bring it to the office so they can make a copy of it.. his boss knows Mikes driving record.
I also have a company truck and i would be fired if i had a dui under my belt i guess guys are different i also see that in my company! they just get a slap on the hand...
My mother also had a bad marriage and told us girls to never depend on a man! if we want something to go get it ourselves, i use to work everyday, weekends bartending for the downpayment on my house and i was so proud of myself the day i closed on my house, that was the second best day of my life, my first of coarse was the birth of my son!
I am hard on Mike but for many good reason, there is a good hard working man and father in him. He just needs to grow up before he looses everything including his son... I just didn't want you guys to think i was a nag or a bitch there are reasons for my madness...
Mike was a spoiled child, he had everything handed to him or when he got into trouble his aunt was always there to bail him out. Well those days are over! If he gets into trouble now, he knows he'll loose everything. I'm just sick of being a babysitter when we go out, he's not a social drinking, he likes to drink until he's drunk and you can't get on a motorcycle in that condition, somedays i just don't know how the hell he made it home sometimes alive...

Haley,

When my SIL was drinking, I went to Alanon. I ended up going for 2 years, and I learned so much, and met the most wonderful people.

Some of them left the person who was drinking, and some didn't. The point of Alanon is not whether you stay or leave the alcoholic. It's really how you live your own life, and how to make good choices.

I really recommend it.

Hmm to post or not to post in this thread.

Hold on to your coffee cup. I have been married 3 times. So, maybe I am not the best person to offer advice.

The first one hit me. The third time he did it, I put him in the hospital and got a divorce.

The second one, cheated on me (with his first wife) and caught VD. I prayed and cried. It was not something I could live with. I was afraid that I would catch Aids from him.

The third one is a charm. He is a very dear man. Yep he can be a butt head sometimes, but we think alike. We have now been married for 14 years. We have a deal, he takes care of the outside and all of the home repairs, I clean the house and cook. Sometimes if I am working overtime, he jumps in and helps me. If he is working on a big repair, I jump in and help him. Its a partnership and I consider him to be my best friend. I love him unconditionally. We both feel complete when we are together.

The hardest part of our marriage was my daughter. She did not adjust to the divorces nor new marriage very well, and really rebelled as a teenager. She was fine until 14. Then all hell broke loose.

Its amazing we all managed to come through it and have a great relationship with each other. I truely feel it was God's doing. We gave her to him, and said we have done what we can. She came around (of course it took a few years). She has told us, I don't know why I did the things I did. She also counsels other girls to listen to their parents. (I know amazing)

Either way, stay together in a horrible marriage or divorce. Its hard on the kids. But you have to know that someday, Micah will leave and go out on his own. Where will you be? Where will you have spent your time? will you be happy with the decisions you made? Who will be there for you?

Anyhow this is about you and what you are going to do.

You have been given all kinds of advice. Bottom line. You have to decide what is best for you! What behavior in a husband is acceptable to you. Who you think you can grow old with. You don't want to wait until you are old to decide you made a mistake and wasted your life.

Thanks thats all the advice I will give.

Michelle

That was good advice Michelle, really sweet.

Great advice Michelle, and I'm so happy for you that your daughter turned it around.

I'm looking for a new love after my 2nd divorce - so third time is a charm?

Good for you.

Its a very hard dicision that i have to make, no matter what i decide it's going to effect Micah either way, that's the hardest part, if it was just me, i would have already been out of this marriage, i'm sick of spending my hard earned money on making the house look nice while he sits on his ass, he is a hard worker but that's about it, when he comes home he wants to sit out in the garage all night, that's not going to fly with me! Just yesterday i snapped on him, i took the baby over my mothers for 2 hours and all i asked him to do is run the sweaper and fold a load of clothes to help me out! And he did nothing but run over the neighbors house and drink beer! I had it... i'm not his mother or his maid... Im just sick of carrying him if you know what i mean.... He still says he's getting an apartment when he gets his drivers lisc. back, i told him don't let the door hit you in the ass!
Right now i really don't care if he leaves.. I have my son to worry about and he will be taken care of! I already talked to my mom this weekend, and she told me to do what i feel is right. and she will help me out if i need her too.. But i rather get another job than to depend on my mother i'm stronger than that! Whatever i decide i'll do it on my own, that's something i like about me, i'm not affraid to be alone.. What the hell i feel alone in this marriage now! I always survived before with God's help and i know i can do it again.

Haley,

You do not have to decide right now if you're not ready. One day at a time, until you're absolutely sure about what you feel is the right thing to do.

Only you can make that decision, so listen to your own heart. There really is no right or wrong decision. Mike is not abusing you or Micah. If that were so, I would say to run.

Not to change your feelings or persuade you, but my SIL went from being a rather nasty alcoholic to a sober, wonderful husband and father. That doesn't mean that Mike will do the same. It also doesn't mean that my SIL will always be able to stay sober. All it really means is that my daughter's heart told her to stay. I don't know
what went into that decision. It was hers to make, and I respect her for it.

Whatever you do, we're all here to support you.

Do you still love your husband? Does he love you? It really sounds like he doesn't love you, but i'm not there. If you love someone & they ask you to do or not do something you'll do it because you love them. Or have a very good reason why you can't. It sounds to me like your hubby doesn't want to grow up & be responsible. He's running away from you & his life because it's too much for his immature mind to handle. You can't force men to grow up; I've tried so many times in my life. I guess sit him down & tell him that if he's willing to work with you; you are willing to make compromises so you both get what you need. However, the way it sounds is he's already thrown in the towell. He no longer cares for you or his child & wants to go back to his care free ways. However, the situation dictates that he needs to mooch off of you until he gets his ducks in a row. I wouldn't let him; he either needs to be a part of the marriage & help you out or get out. There's no reason to continue to beat yourself up & try to make things work when it seems he's already made up his mind that it's over (the fact that he says he's moving out once he gets his license back, makes me think he's done). Marriage takes work from both sides not just one.

I think your right, i paid all his DUI fines (4,000), borrowed money off my mother for his back taxes from heartship loans (6,000), and him crashing the company vechicle (they didn't know he lost his lisc. at the time- thank God the lady he hit didn't call the police - long story! ) 3,000.. All of this was my money and my family's. I am now trying to build my savings back up so we would have extra money incase something comes up.. But he does need to grow up.
One thing i know he does loves his son. At least he admits to that. I don't think he loves me anymore and i'll deal with that for the time being, i have broad shoulders i can take it... But I'm not living like this for too much longer! We'll see what happens when he gets his lisc. back.( Aug. 8th) I already told him i'm not stopping him from leaving but once he leaves he's NOT coming back, i don't believe in second chances..