Joke of the Day
 

~Thursday~May 1st~Todays Joke

Irish Humor

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!”

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”
:cat:

That was so cute!!!

Oh I loved it!

Cute!!!

*hides the Irish stuff all over her living room* That was great!

Friday~May 2nd~Joke


Reckon Mom is a Blonde?

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled
through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed
send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."
"Melvin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience
store."

Saturday, May 3, 2008
 

Saturday~May3rd~Joke

Little Johnny at Sunday School
Upon picked him up after Sunday School, Little Johnny's mother asked him about the lessons that day. He replied with the expected recitation of the Bible stories that the teacher had read to the class, but were shocked when Johnny told them that the class had sung a hymn "about a constipated cross-eyed bear". Upset and angered by this, Little Johnny's father confronted the Sunday School teacher, demanding to know, "the meaning of this." "Oh no, Mr. Wilson," replied the teacher, " the hymn was called, 'The Consecrated Cross is Bare.'"

:sidesplit: Cute!! Cute!!!

The last one reminds me of something Amy did when she was little. One of the songs we sing at church ends with the phrase "on Calvary's Tree". Well, Amy sang it "on Sesame Street"!!!!! Kids can be so funny!!!

LOL! Great thread! Thanks Kat. :)

~Sunday~May 4th~Joke of the Day

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said, “Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are
going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing
whatever hymn that comes to your mind.”

The pastor shouted out “CROSS.” Immediately the congregation started
singing in unison, “THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.”

The pastor hollered out “GRACE.” The congregation began to sing
“AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.”

The pastor said “POWER” The congregation sang “THERE IS POWER
IN THE BLOOD.”

The Pastor said “SEX” The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone
was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other
afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, an 87-year-old
great-grandmother stood up and began to sing “PRECIOUS MEMORIES.”

They were all great! :thumbup:

I love these!!!!

~Monday~May 5th~Joke

A letter to Tide detergent

Dear Tide,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! One evening about a month ago, while at home, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My husband started to berate me about my drinking problem and how expensive the blouse was. Well, one thing lead to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse, as well.

I tried to get the stains out using the bargain brand detergent my cheap husband bought, but they just wouldn't come out. I went to the local convenience store and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out! They came out so well, in fact, that the forensic DNA tests were all negative!

I thank you, once again, for a great product!

Well, gotta go, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Sincerely,

Recently Widowed

[B]~Tuesday~May 6tWhat Does Love Mean???

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." ...Chris - age 7 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." ...Mary Ann - age 4 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." ...Lauren - age 4 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." ...Karen - age 7

Those are funny, Kat!! I especially liked the Tide detergent one!!! Very funny!!!

I really like this one!!!!:D

LOLOLOL! :sidesplit:

OMG(osh) oh, that really cracked me up! Can't wait to share that one with everyone I know!

wow the tide is great! and the love is just adorable. Some times it takes a child's eye to make us remember.

Cute as a button....your avitar too!
 

Thank you for this ...cute!

~Friday~May 9th~Joke~

An old couple were sitting in church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her. She leaned across to her husband and whispered,
"I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
He said,"I think you should get batteries for your hearing aid."


An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."
"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten..."

I like the jokes you come up with, Kat! These are really cute!!!!

~Saturday~May 10th~Joke

While recently riding on the bus standing up, a friend of mine grabbed onto the pole nearest her to keep herself steady while the bus traveled down the road. She soon noticed a young man, who was also hanging on to the same pole, staring at her. Although this was somewhat annoying, she decided to just look the other way.
Soon the bus came to a stop. Clearing his throat, the young man said,
"Excuse me. This is my stop."
Since she wasn't blocking his way, my friend was slightly confused.
"Well," she said, "go ahead."
"And this is my pole," the young man said.
My friend was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain."
:sidesplit:

LOLOL.....good one!


Kat, I like your jokes. Not only are they funny, they're clean!

Now that is funny! something I could see happening to me!

SUNDAY~MAY 11TH~MOTHER'S DAY

You Know You're a Mom When ......


1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor.....and you don't care.

2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.

3. You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats.

5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

6. Popsicles become a food staple.

7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.

9. You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of where it is.

10. Your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her, after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off.

11. Your kids make jokes about flatulence, burping, pooping, etc. and you think it's funny.

12. You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

13. Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

14. You're up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, roller balding, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet...you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

15. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.

16. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

17. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispies bars.

A LETTER FROM AN IRISH MOTHER..


Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive.
I'm writing this slowly because I know you can't read fast.
You wont know the house when you get home, 'cos we've moved.
Your Father has a lovely new job with 700 men under him - he cuts grass at the cemetery.
There was a washing machine at the new house, but it's not working too good.
Last week I put in 12 shirts, pulled the chain and I haven't seen them since.
Your sister, Colleen had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out if it's a boy or girl,
so I don't know if you're an uncle or aunt.
Your Uncle Mick drowned last week in a vat of Whisky at the Dublin Distillery.
His mates tried to save him, but he fought them off bravely.
He was cremated and it took four days to put the fire out.
I saw the doctor last week and your Father went with me.
Doc put a glass tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for five minuets.
Your Father wanted to buy it from him.
It only rained twice this week, first for four days the second for three days.
We had a letter from the undertaker.
He said if the final payment on your Grandmother's grave wasn't paid in seven days - up she comes.
Your loving Mother XXXX

P.S. I was going to send you 10 dollars, but I'd already sealed the envelope.

Computer Jokes
 

~Monday~May 12th~Jokes~

Signs that You've had Too Much Computing

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, 'What's for dinner dad?'

Your daughter sets up a web site to sell Girl Scout Cookies.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

~~~~~~~~

How to start the day and feel really good:

• Open a new file on your computer.
• Entitle it 'Housework.'
• Place it in the Recycle Bin.
• Empty the Recycle Bin.
• Your computer will ask you, 'Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?'
• Answer 'Yes' and click the left mouse button firmly.
• Now you feel much better.

~~~~~~~~

I love the idea about housework.

Kat, I loved all of them!!! Cute, Cute!!! The one from the Irish Mother was hysterical!!!

10 Reasons God Created Eve
 

~Tuesday~May13th~Joke of the Day~

10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because He knew men would never ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what is on TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on TV.

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appt for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to someone to bear children because men would never be able to handle it.

4. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The Scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone", he only ends up getting himself in trouble.

And the NUMBER ONE reason...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam he stepped back, scratched his head and said, "I can do better than that."

That's great Kat. I love it!

That's cute! I'm so tempted to read this one to my husband but I don't think that he'd appreciate it!!!

I did read it to my husband. He said, and I quote "ha ha"

I missed this one the other day. This is hysterical!

TO ALL OF YOU!!!

http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l2...hank-you_7.gif


:ghug:

Kids
 

Wednesday~May 14th~Jokes

A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully said each word right up to the end..."And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."


A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the bride wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then why is the groom wearing black..."


"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" asked the father of his little son.
"Diet."


'Grandad, do you know how to croak?'
I don't think so, Steven, why?"
'Because Dad says he'll be rich when you do.'


A woman got on a bus with seven children. The bus conductor asked: 'Are these all yours lady? Or is it a picnic?'
'They're all mine,' she replied. 'And it's no picnic!'


The first thing a child learns when he gets a drum is that he'll never get another one.


A father was talking to his son. 'Now listen, my boy, from now on you do your own home-work. I'm not going to do any more for you - it's not right.' 'I know.' said the boy. 'but have a shot at it just the same.

Eleven year old's environmental studies essay on the effect of oil pollution: 'When my mum opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead.'

Cute ones, Kat!!!!

Some of those were really cute!

~Thursday~May 15th~Joke~


Jack's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Jack would head outside to the porch.
His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Jack? Don't you like my singing?"
Jack replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."