How would you react?

[Tink]

My Moms best friend is my best friends mother. Following me so far? LOL
So anyway, these women are like family to us, and seriously have been with us well over 50 yrs.

My Moms friends hubby had a stroke 30+ yrs ago that landed him in a nursing home unable to do much for himself. His mind is unpredictable, he's unable to walk, and often doesn't make much sense. She has stuck by him this full time in spite of the fact that they really have no marriage or partnership anymore because of his condition. She's been faithful to him and ended up raising their 5 kids on her own while he sat in a nursing home, unable to help.

Recently, she met a man (in church of all places) who she's become friends with, and is very attracted to. He is a widower, so is just as lonely as she is. She has come to care for him enough that what she's been lacking in her marriage all this time is really depressing her. She is now considering divorcing her husband so that she can have a life again. She's 72 years old, and is in very good shape, but realizes she doesn't have forever and has been alone yet committed almost half that time.

She's asking her kids and friends if they would think poorly of her for filing for divorce so that she might still have some chance of a more normal life. What would you say to her?

[Janet]

Oh Tink....this is sad. I would tell her to check with an attorney first. She has stuck by her husband all this time and she needs to make sure she will be able to recieve what she is entitled to, I mean this is a lifetime that she has stuck by him. If none of that really matters to her...then I think she deserves to be happy. Does she want to remarry or can she settle for just as much time with him as possible? I don't see why anyone would think poorly of her, if they did, my personal opinion is they are just wanting their own needs met.

What are your thoughts?

[DianaB]

Wow, that's a hard one to have an answer for. I'm a firm believer in "til death do us part" but......I'm just not sure what to say to this. How does her family feel about it? Her happiness with this other man will depend on how they feel about it.

[Tink]

Thanks Janet, that's MY thinking on it too. She has sacrificed much of her life doing the "right thing" and for the most part hasn't even complained about it. She is really a wonderful lady and I think it's about time she has some happiness for herself. She could still have the same friendship with her hubby that she's had for the past 30+ yrs if it will help him, but wouldn't have to be lonely and depressed over the situation she's in.

She's taken her hubby home on weekends, holidays, etc as much as she can. He is incontinent, is a large man who she can't handle getting in and out of the wheelchair alone anymore, and I truly feel she's done far more than most would have already. I personally would be thrilled for her to finally be free to have some happiness for herself whether she remarried or not.

Sadly, people call her a saint for having been the loyal wife she has been. Yet people can be so cruel, and she's afraid she might earn the reputation of the complete opposite when news gets out.

[Tink]

It IS a tough situation.
Diana, that's the way the woman involved has always felt about it too. Which is why this is so hard for her. She has honored her vows, and part of her feels she should continue to... yet what they have is not a marriage in most ways. She still loves him, but it's not the way she should because he's not able to be there in any way for her. 30+ yrs of being his caretaker and facing life all alone has to have affected her.

She knows she could go from Saint to "heartless witch" in record time if she divorces him.

All 5 of her kids have told her they would love to see her happy and she's got their blessing. They don't see him as a father, because he's not been able to be one for so long. It's as if their father died long ago.

[Janet]

I would encourage her to find her happiness. I mean if her children are behind her, then she shouldn't worry about what others think.

[DianaB]

If her kids are alright with it I would say to go for it. I would hope that she would continue to check on her present husband and make sure that he's properly taken care of. This is a hard one for me because it goes against what I believe as a christian. I'm just glad that it's not me.

My Mom divorced my Dad after a very stressful marriage and she did it with my blessing. I have a hard time with divorce, but I knew that God had better things for her. She's been happily married to a wonderful man for about 12 years. He treats her like a queen and has really changed her life. So who am I to say that it's not right? As I said, tell her to go for it!