Losing a friend

[Lindsey]

Okay this is all too much for me today when I'm so emotional. I had this friend, Tyler, we were very close for the past 8 years. Well, about a year and a half ago he started dating this very insecure, jealous girl. He got sick of the relationship fast. She snooped through his email, his text messages, and threw fits if he even said hello to a girl. He wanted to break up with her. He had to make a private email account to keep hidden from her so that he could email me. He said he wanted to break up with her and I encouraged it... he's far too nice of a guy to put up with that. She wanted to marry him in 2 years and he said he doesn't want that kind of pressure. But on the other hand, everytime he got mad at her, she threatened to kill herself.
Well, she found out about that email account, got his password, and read everything. This was last summer. He had to delete his facebook account so that no girls would have contact with him, and she sent me a message on facebook saying "Tyler wanted me to tell you this" and went on and on about how their relationship is great and I should stay out of it because I know nothing and stop trying to break them up... I texted him immediately and he begged me not to reply. I valued our friendship. I didn't reply.
Since then, he has ignored my emails, hasn't logged into msn, and even CHANGED HIS PHONE NUMBER so I couldn't text him. He just came online on msn and this is our conversation:
Lindsey said:
wow you exist?
tyler said:
occaisionally. i've been off msn all summer. i've been busy with spring/summer classes and work.
tyler said:
and i went to ontario.
Lindsey said:
and ignoring my emails and changing your phone number
tyler said:
and now i'm not as busy with school.
tyler said:
brb phone
... and then he promptly went offline.
And I probably shouldn't have done this, but I wrote an email:

Okay, we need to talk. I know you went offline, and I know you're going to get this email. If you don't want to reply, fine, I'll just assume that's it and I'll move on. I just need to get stuff off my chest. I know I'm the only friend you've completely cut out of your life, and I know why too. I honestly thought our 8 years of friendship meant more to you. You are a completely different person and I hate it. Everyone has noticed how much you've changed. We've both been busy before and we've always made time for our friendship. In all the years we've known each other we've NEVER gone this long without talking. So you went to Ontario? I had no idea. I got a job offer in Chilliwack, BC, and I couldn't talk to you about it. I miss being able to talk to you, because you used to KNOW me and it was great having someone around who I was close to and could talk about anything with.
Anyways, that's about it. I don't expect a reply, but if you do decide to reply, please don't use the "busy" excuse.
-Lindsey

Maybe it was too harsh, but I'm so ANGRY that he did this to me. I talked to our mutual friend last night about him. She said she still hears from him. but she moved to Texas and got marrid so she's not a "threat"
I'm just sitting here bawling now. He's the guy who said he'd never drop me for a girl... anyone worth having as a girlfriend would have to respect that he could be friends with me. When I was thinking of dumping this really geeky guy I had been dating, I said "If I stayed with him and married him, who would teach my little boys how to play hockey?" and he said "Uncle Tyler, of course!" like it was just OBVIOUS that we were still going to be close our whole lives.
I'm just so mad at him right now and it's been building up over the months we haven't spoken and I guess it's all just overflowing now I should have just left it. I guess it's not very mature of me to have written that email. I need to just let go.

[Lindsey]

Okay now I feel stupid for even bothering with an email. Or for even talking to him in the first place. I'm just rollercoastering today with emotions

[celstu1]

Lindsay, Ive had this happen to me many many times. Guy friends who have such low self-esteem that when they get an overbearing girlfriend (like they usually do) then they drop you like a sack of potatoes because she is jealous. I was best friends with this guy for 7 years. He met this girl and introduced her to me. She proceeded to say things like him & I should get married, she knows where he can buy me a ring etc... stupid stupid stuff. I used to tell her constantly that we are not like that, we are JUST FRIENDS. Always were JUST friends, always would be JUST friends. Eventually their relationship took off and they got married. I was told at the wedding that I couldn't hug him because she would flip out. His mom came up to me and told me she wished it was me up there with him. Anyways, the wedding was the last time I heard from him. After that she had him hook, line and sinker and all he wanted in his life was to be loved. He would do ANYTHING to not be single again, including giving me up. This has happened with a few guys friends I have had.

Ever hear of the reason, season or lifetime theory of friends? Maybe your friendship with him has come to an end because you both got what you needed from that friendship. There was a reason you were friends and once that reason is accomplished the relationship is severed.

I'm sorry though, I know how much it does hurt.

[celstu1]

To add a bit more, the reason for the friendship may have been that you were the one who would push him into dating this girl and maybe she is his soulmate. You never know really what the reason was, but its an accomplishment. Unfortunately in theory there is no reason to continue in any kind of relationship.

I know with my guy friend that got married, he lives in my town now, has 2 kids, still married. If were to show up at my door and said Im sorry I know I treated you badly I'd say 'You sure did. Want a beer? Come on in. Whats up?' I am angry at him for sure. I still love him like a friend. Its been about 6 years since Ive talked to him.

When you love someone let them go, if they come back, it was meant to be. Don't hold onto the anger though, I mean you'll be angry for awhile, its just like going through a breakup. Emotionally it will take its toll. It will pass though. Keep that door slightly open in case he comes back and apologizes. If you carry around all this anger and hurt, its only going to hurt you, not him or her.

[Lindsey]

I have never heard that theory, but I like it. I've been through enough breakups now that I don't NEED him there to help me get over it. I do have other friends.. not many that I feel THAT close to, but still enough. And I'm kind of glad I don't have to deal with his (well, her) drama anymore. I really got sick of listening to him complain about her all day every day.
I liked having him around to always have a guy's opinion on things. But when I think about it, he rarely gave me his real opinion anyway. If I asked what he thought about a new boyfriend, or potential boyfriend, he'd say he loved them, they were great. Then after getting my heart broken it was "I saw this coming, I knew he wasn't right for you, I could tell form the start" and I would say "Why didn't you tell me before?" and he would say "Because you liked him and you were happy"

[Janet]

Wow Lindsey...I think I would be so broken hearted to lose a close friend like that. Maybe something else is going on...maybe he hasn't told anyone. Maybe give him a chance to really explain...then decide what to do. Don't be too hasty (especially after 8 years of friendship) to drop him so quickly. Guys just don't express themselves like us more intelligent women do..

[Lindsey]

Thanks for the reply Janet. We used to talk at least once a day, even when he was dating other girls. We haven't REALLY spoken since about January... He stopped answering when I texted him, wouldn't answer his phone if I called him (before he changed his number) and every once in awhile he'd be online and I'd invite him out and he'd always say "maybe" and then not show up. In June he sent me an email on my birthday just saying "I've been really busy but wanted to say happy birthday" and then I sent him a long email back saying I'm so glad I heard from him, let me know what's going on in his life, I miss hanging out, etc. And I never heard another word until today. I just miss having him in my life SO MUCH and he's just not even trying.
His girlfriend hates me, I know that for sure. She hates that we were close. He has told me that from the beginning. She doesn't understand that I am absolutely not a threat. He's like a brother to me. We would hang out and play basketball and video games. I'm just one of the guys to him (but I gotta say, much prettier lol) There is no attraction at all. If we were ever going to have anything between us, it would have happened the many times that we were both single.

[Gina]

Lindsey your friends gf sounds like she has a few screws missing. Your friend is probably in love with her and has given in to her every whim. It is a shame, though you have been good friends for many years. It probably isn't worth the drama to him if he remains friends with the opposite sex so it seems he just dropped everyone.. That is another issue.. But it's not your problem.

You say that you are like brothers and just good pals, most guys always have an attraction to another female and it is hard for them to be just friends. Even though you mentioned that when you were both single he never came on to you.

You were not wrong to email him you just expressed your feelings and how you have been hurt. Don't shut him out, leave the communication open when he wants to talk to you , you will be there for him. If not keep the good mememories of your friendship and pity the guy for he has bigger problems to deal with...

[Lindsey]

Thanks Gina. It's weird to think about him having been attracted to me, but I guess it could have happened. His mom ADORED me and I know she wanted us to date, but on my end at least it wasn't possible! I loved his family though, and his brother's girlfriend had a yorkie named Toby and Tyler's mom would always want to see Layla so we'd both take the dogs over there for playdates. So now Layla and I have both lost a friend!
Tyler and I have about a gazillion silly inside jokes, and almost every day something will remind me of one of them and I just want to tell him and giggle like we used to but I just can't anymore. I don't feel like I have anyone who could be a Tyler replacement

[Dobie]

I was thinking the same thing - maybe there was an attraction that the new girlfriend was picking up on. He must be getting something out of that relationship for him to still be in it - it's very sad that your relationship with him has suffered because of it!