Mother-Daughter relationships

[Gina]

Lindsey it sounds like your mother is living her life through you. The things she never did , whether she wanted to or was diffucult for her. She is being very hard on you. I have a college daughter your age and sometimes the expectations are high, I always praised both of my children growing up when they excelled. Now that they are in college , and pursing their careers I always keep on top of them, by giving them confidence and telling them when they are stressed out that study you can do it, and they usually do pass with great grades.

Getting back to your mom she loves you but probably doesn't know how to show it. Word of advice I tell my kids , excel for yourself, do the best and at the end it will pay off. Trust me.

As for my mom, she passed away it will be 7 yrs. My mom was a sweet woman, she did the best that she could. I did a lot for her towards the end of her life, but somehow she didn't ever show appreciation. She was this way all her life, deep down she did appreciate but would never show or tell you. It was like things you did for her were expected I refuse to be this way with my kids, I do show and tell my appreciation.

Lindsey just do your best and you will preservere.... Good luck!

[Janet]

I envy those that have great relationships with their mothers. I never did and probably won't.

I've written before that I do love my mom and sometimes we get a long good and she can be so funny....but that is if things are going her way.

One of the main reasons I never enjoyed Christmas was because she was so mean at that time. My younger brother and I would want to help decorate the Christmas tree and she would let us hang a few ornaments on and then start yelling at us that we put it in the wrong place. She wanted every ornament in the exact same place every year. It was horrible. Plus she has always lived in the same house I grew up in (lives there still) and it's very small. Not enough room for everyone, but she will not have it anywhere else. She did let me have Thanksgiving one year, but she didn't like it...everyone else did.

She is very selfish, self centered and wants people to go out of their way for her, but will never go out of her way for any one else. I have been married 32 years and other than Thanksgiving or Christmas, she has never invited us in for a meal, but is always eager to eat out our house or my brothers.

A good friend of hers passed and we went to the funeral home. One lady told her that she (my mother) had a good daughter and my mom said "she could if she tried a little harder." It really hurt my feelings, but that's my mom.

I could go on and on and on, but this little bit gives you an idea of what I deal with. I only call her now about once a week if that, for her health reasons. She is just so toxic for me to be around I just have to limit it.

Sometimes you have to look at what they were raised like. My mother was not loving when my sister and I were growing up. She very rarely ever said she loved us. My dad was the loving one. He would not let us leave the house with out saying he loved us. Neither one of my parents were raised in a loving home. The father was the provider, the wife a servant and the children the co-workers. My father was not going to let his children grow up that way. My mom kind of took after her mom. My father was her everything. We always came second. My father passed away 3 1/2 years ago. He had cancer for 3 months. We took care of him at home. My sister, mother and I became very close through that. Now my mom has changed her ways. She says " I love you" every time we talk and gives hugs. She is a wonderful grandmother. My sister and my mom are my best friends now. I look at what was not the greatest when I was growing up. Then use that to better myself for my children. I hope my children learn from my mistakes, so they may do better for their children.

[Lindsey]

Originally Posted by Izzy'smom

Sometimes you have to look at what they were raised like.

My mom had 9 brothers and sisters. For that reason I'm not sure how close she was to her mom, although they seem to get along now. Maybe the closeness she never had in her family is preventing her from getting close to her own family.

Janet - I feel the same as you do. I've tried my hardest to make my mom LIKE me but after being criticized for everything, I don't even want to try anymore. I just want to live my own life, and I've pulled away a lot. I moved 4.5 hours away from home and I only see her 2 or 3 times a year.

[Gina]

Originally Posted by Janet

I envy those that have great relationships with their mothers. I never did and probably won't.

I've written before that I do love my mom and sometimes we get a long good and she can be so funny....but that is if things are going her way.

One of the main reasons I never enjoyed Christmas was because she was so mean at that time. My younger brother and I would want to help decorate the Christmas tree and she would let us hang a few ornaments on and then start yelling at us that we put it in the wrong place. She wanted every ornament in the exact same place every year. It was horrible. Plus she has always lived in the same house I grew up in (lives there still) and it's very small. Not enough room for everyone, but she will not have it anywhere else. She did let me have Thanksgiving one year, but she didn't like it...everyone else did.

She is very selfish, self centered and wants people to go out of their way for her, but will never go out of her way for any one else. I have been married 32 years and other than Thanksgiving or Christmas, she has never invited us in for a meal, but is always eager to eat out our house or my brothers.

A good friend of hers passed and we went to the funeral home. One lady told her that she (my mother) had a good daughter and my mom said "she could if she tried a little harder." It really hurt my feelings, but that's my mom.

I could go on and on and on, but this little bit gives you an idea of what I deal with. I only call her now about once a week if that, for her health reasons. She is just so toxic for me to be around I just have to limit it.

Aww Janet, this is so sad to hear... She has and is missing out on a great relationship with you her daughter... If she is a self centered person, no matter what you do, will never be good enough. At this stage of the game you have two choices, I would just tell her point blank on how you feel. Lay all the cards on the table and tell her that you have felt hurt, maybe she never realized that she is acting this way. Was your grandmother the same way? Or just ignore it and you do realize that she is not going to change at this point and accept the relationship for what it is....

[Janet]

Originally Posted by Gina

Aww Janet, this is so sad to hear... She has and is missing out on a great relationship with you her daughter... If she is a self centered person, no matter what you do, will never be good enough. At this stage of the game you have two choices, I would just tell her point blank on how you feel. Lay all the cards on the table and tell her that you have felt hurt, maybe she never realized that she is acting this way. Was your grandmother the same way? Or just ignore it and you do realize that she is not going to change at this point and accept the relationship for what it is....

If I was to tell her how I feel, she would just cry. And well, the past is the past. She's 83 and isn't about to change at this age. It's just something I'll have to live with and pray it can get better.

[Emmsmom]

I was NEVER close to my mother. I have no idea where to begin to explain. She was very mentally abusive and towards the end she began to get physically abusive. She has always tried to cause me problems. She has spread so many lies about many it isn't even funny. She doesn't like my husband for anything. So needless to say family get togethers DO NOT happen. On top of it all she has never ever seen my daughter in person. (my choice) I think she may have seen pictures but that is all. I have also not spoken to her in at least 10 years. I don't trust her and to be hoenst I don't even like her. Sad huh! I miss not having a mother. Hell I miss not having a father too. My bio father gave up rights and my so called step father died a long time ago. So.....needless to say I ahve no relationship with my mother.

I had a great relationship with my Mom and it only got better through the years ... We always did things together and she was always proud of my achievements. On her death bed she told me that I always made her proud.

Now I have a daughter and I love her dearly. I never let her leave the house without a hug and kiss. I alwayz tell her she looks pretty (well, she does) ... she alwayz asks me to help her pick out her clothes for a date! (I call it "dressing my Barbie doll").

Last night we were talking and she told me of something I did that she will never forget (I had forgotten) ... seems when she was in high school she cut a class. At the end of the day the teacher saw her and asked her why she wasn't in class. She came up with some excuse about feeling ill, going home, and then realizing she left her jacket so she came back for it.

She told me last night that she stayed on the phone that whole night so that the teacher could not get through.

AHA! The next morning the phone rang at 7:30AM.. It was her teacher ... the teacher told me about the incident to which I responded, "Whatever my daughter told you is the truth."

Then I went in to her room and asked, "What did you do?" she said she learned that families stick together and then discuss things privately.

BTW, I am a schoolteacher myself. She is my pride and joy.
Her dad passed away on her 8th birthday!

[Janet]

I would love to have a relationship like that with my mother. It's just not going to happen. I do love her, but it's just too hard. You can only be criticized and told you're wrong so many times before you start backing away. That's what I've done.

[Kimberley]

Originally Posted by Janet

I envy those that have great relationships with their mothers. I never did and probably won't.

I've written before that I do love my mom and sometimes we get a long good and she can be so funny....but that is if things are going her way.

One of the main reasons I never enjoyed Christmas was because she was so mean at that time. My younger brother and I would want to help decorate the Christmas tree and she would let us hang a few ornaments on and then start yelling at us that we put it in the wrong place. She wanted every ornament in the exact same place every year. It was horrible. Plus she has always lived in the same house I grew up in (lives there still) and it's very small. Not enough room for everyone, but she will not have it anywhere else. She did let me have Thanksgiving one year, but she didn't like it...everyone else did.

She is very selfish, self centered and wants people to go out of their way for her, but will never go out of her way for any one else. I have been married 32 years and other than Thanksgiving or Christmas, she has never invited us in for a meal, but is always eager to eat out our house or my brothers.

A good friend of hers passed and we went to the funeral home. One lady told her that she (my mother) had a good daughter and my mom said "she could if she tried a little harder." It really hurt my feelings, but that's my mom.

I could go on and on and on, but this little bit gives you an idea of what I deal with. I only call her now about once a week if that, for her health reasons. She is just so toxic for me to be around I just have to limit it.

Hugs to you, Janet. I'm sorry that your mother is this way and has treated you poorly. You are a really nice person...(maybe you got your personality from your dad. ) Hang in there...something in her life has made her not-so-friendly...maybe her parents???

[Janet]

I am very much like my dad...LOL I don't know how he and my mother got together. He was so easy going and oh so funny. I use to feel so sorry for him when Mom would get on one of her tirades. No matter what "story" dad would tell some one, some of the facts may have been wrong (which really didn't matter) would be pointed out by my mother. She always had to be right.

Like I said, we do love each other. Mom would like us to be closer just as I would, but she'll never change and as it is, it's just too toxic for me. I would hate to tell her exactly how I feel, like someone suggested earlier, but if something were to happen to her, I would hate to have that on my mind. So, I will continue to love her, but at a little bit of a distance.

[RLC12345678]

My mother and I are very close. However, when I was growing up, she made sure I knew that she was my "mother" and not my "friend." Now that I am pretty much grown, we are now more like friends. I talk to her on the phone AT LEAST once a day. I love going home to see her. She said that she and my dad will move whereever my hubby and I settle and she will take care of my children for me while I work.