Used, abused and totally taken for granted

[Janet]

Okay Tink you asked for it!!!! I am a very strict disciplinarian so here goes.....

If my situation doesn't change soon I'm just going to go ballistic! I get home from work to find a huge mess, no one has let the dog out, he's ripped the house up because they couldn't bother to put him in his crate, and the dirty dishes and laundry just keep piling up

You need to quit doing their laundry....just stop. Right there will take half your laundry duties away. They are old enough to be doing their own. If you do this and they leave their stuff in the washer or dryer...put it in a garbage bag and take it to their room. Do not put it in the dryer or fold it for them. You'll have to be persistant, but it will work if they want clean clothes.

The "kids" (ages 18 and 20) keep showing up at work to borrow money, and I'm not talking $5 or $10...

My son now owes me about $2000 and he has no job. He's up all night and sleeps all day and seems all too comfy with the arrangement. Hubby co-signed for his car, put it in our name, and now we're stuck with payments and insurance on it that we have to pay. It's not worth near what he owes on it, so we're stuck with it even though it's not something either of us would want to drive. He also took MY car last stpring without permission and got into a fender bender that cost $2500 which he's supposed to pay off. If he doesn't pay, HE loses his drivers license and I lose the license plates on my car. So you know who is stuck with that bill! If we add the cost of the car, the crash bill, and what he's borrowed from us, he owes more than $11,000 to us and the amount just keeps growing.

Give them strict orders they are not to come to your place of work for money or anything else that isn't life threatening. Tell them the answer will always be NO. And don't give in. If they continue...send them on their way empty handed.

Your son is taking advantage of you big time. Tell him he has two weeks...no more...to get a job or the car goes. And then stick to it.

Our daughter usually pays us back as she works at burger king full time, but she too refuses to do anything at home. She messes but won't clean, and more often than not she treats me like I am simply in her way

If your daughter is working, even at Burger King, she needs to learn how to budget her money, so she is not borrowing from you. Take her mess and throw it in her room. Leave it, do not clean one thing for her. She is old enough to take this responsibility.

I often end up just sitting in my bedroom to avoid the chaos they cause when they're home, and get woke up several times a week by them calling for rides, or coming in late and being loud.

Change the locks on the house, if they come home after hours...don't let them in. They are living in your house and should be following your rules.

How much is a parent supposed to tolerate? What can I do if my husband won't back me? I feel like I'm simply losing my mind and I want to just have some peace and a house I'm not ashamed to invite guests into. It seems that's asking too much.

You are not asking too much Tink, not at all. Somewhere along the way they learned that this type of behavior was acceptable. It's time they learned it isn't and it will be hard at first, but to all those who wait....good things will come.

I know this will sound harsh...but quit being a doormat. People, kids included can only walk on you if you let them. Before it's all said and done with, more tears will be shed...but you've got to stick to your guns. It will pass and your children will probably be happier too, they won't have Mom going nuts on them. Just be persistant and see what's on the other side....I think you'll like it.

[blowry]

I was going to wait until I heard from Tink but, I see Janet has already said her piece so here comes mine!!



I agree with everything Janet has said...YOU have to stop!! STOP giving money, STOP doing laundry, STOP doing ANYTHING for them!! IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO ON STRIKE!! I know as a Mom we want to do everything for our children but, this is NOT helping them to grow...they have to learn responsibilities...they should be helping YOU around the house...if it were me!!!! I would tell your son to get his lazy A%% out of bed and get a job!! IT'S TIME FOR HIM TO GROW UP!! If you stop giving money then he will HAVE to get a job...sorry Tink but, it sounds like you are making things easy for them...time to let them fend for themselves....esp if they aren't going to help you out .If you stop doing their laundry then they will have to do their own and if they don't! O WELL! wear them dirty!! time for YOU to get a little respect!!

K I'm done!
Hope you don't hate me now!

[Janet]

I hope Tink you didn't think I was too rough. I didn't mean to be, but I do stand behind what I suggested.

My son is no angel at 15, but when I had my hysterectomy (I had a tumor the size of a small watermelon) 5 years ago, yes he was 10 years old. He did laundry...mine and my husbands, and kept the house clean, while his Dad was at work. He would even start supper and then Dad would finish it up. He was taught early. Now, I don't make him do it all the time, but he knows how. I do not clean his room, but let me tell, when he cleans (weekly) he does as good a job as I do and sometimes better.

I fix supper, he and his Dad clean up the kitchen. I do the laundry, they fold and put away their own. I wash the sheets, he puts them on his bed..the right way. He use to want an allowance, but I told him that his Dad or I didn't get paid to do things around the house. So he doesn't get one. We do things around the house because we are a family and want things to stay nice...not perfect, by any means...but clean and where they belong.

There are certain things he is expected to do...if they are not done...there are consequences. I've always found that the most important thing is to always "follow through." I do hope my previous post, at least, gave you something to think about.

[Janet]

Tink I feel so bad your husband lets the kids treat you this way. Wish I had an extra room...I'd let you come stay with me for awhile....

[DianaB]

I think that Janet has very good advice for you. It's time to put your foot down and have them listen to what you have to say.

You should probably type out the new rules and make sure that they have a copy so they won't be coming back saying that they 'didn't understand or you never said that" and make them sign it when you're done.

[Marilyn]

Originally Posted by Janet

Okay Tink you asked for it!!!! I am a very strict disciplinarian so here goes.....



You need to quit doing their laundry....just stop. Right there will take half your laundry duties away. They are old enough to be doing their own. If you do this and they leave their stuff in the washer or dryer...put it in a garbage bag and take it to their room. Do not put it in the dryer or fold it for them. You'll have to be persistant, but it will work if they want clean clothes.



Give them strict orders they are not to come to your place of work for money or anything else that isn't life threatening. Tell them the answer will always be NO. And don't give in. If they continue...send them on their way empty handed.

Your son is taking advantage of you big time. Tell him he has two weeks...no more...to get a job or the car goes. And then stick to it.




If your daughter is working, even at Burger King, she needs to learn how to budget her money, so she is not borrowing from you. Take her mess and throw it in her room. Leave it, do not clean one thing for her. She is old enough to take this responsibility.



Change the locks on the house, if they come home after hours...don't let them in. They are living in your house and should be following your rules.



You are not asking too much Tink, not at all. Somewhere along the way they learned that this type of behavior was acceptable. It's time they learned it isn't and it will be hard at first, but to all those who wait....good things will come.

I know this will sound harsh...but quit being a doormat. People, kids included can only walk on you if you let them. Before it's all said and done with, more tears will be shed...but you've got to stick to your guns. It will pass and your children will probably be happier too, they won't have Mom going nuts on them. Just be persistant and see what's on the other side....I think you'll like it.

Janet, I just read this to my husband. We both think it is good advice!!

[Tink]

Yes Brenda, I need to know tht I'm NOT NUTS to feel this way!
I am SO sick of this and my husband is the one who refuses to let me kick them out or make them grow up!


I haven't done their laundry since they turned 12... for me that was the magic age to start doing your own. I had them do chores, had them do yard work and dishes, and so on when they were younger. Hubby is the one who seems to think they will just miraculously start doing this stuff again now that they've quit. I KNOW they won't because they know he won't let me do anything about it.

I am seriously about ready to just move out and let them destroy his house. he's never here anyway, so why not? HE is their enabler and I rank somewhere far below any of them.

[blowry]

Originally Posted by Tink

Yes Brenda, I need to know tht I'm NOT NUTS to feel this way!
I am SO sick of this and my husband is the one who refuses to let me kick them out or make them grow up!


I haven't done their laundry since they turned 12... for me that was the magic age to start doing your own. I had them do chores, had them do yard work and dishes, and so on when they were younger. Hubby is the one who seems to think they will just miraculously start doing this stuff again now that they've quit. I KNOW they won't because they know he won't let me do anything about it.

I am seriously about ready to just move out and let them destroy his house. he's never here anyway, so why not? HE is their enabler and I rank somewhere far below any of them.

Tink you really need to sit with hubby and let him know how you feel..I know what it feels like when you are at your wits end! The girls father (divorced now) was just like this...instead of making them do something he would just do it...didn't teach them anything...I have to say though I have very good girls...believe I had my days with them but, they are grown up now...

Have you ever thought about talking to someone? I mean professionally...sounds like you need it...and I DO mean this in the most sincere considerate way. And, if hubby thinks this is ok then I would let hubby deal with it...I wouldn't do anything for him either....let him take this on for a while and see what he thinks...My heart really goes out to you Tink....Sometimes you'd just like to give them a smack!

Chin up Tink.. it does get better as they get older!

[Emmsmom]

((hugs))

[Tink]

Thanks Ladies. To hear them tell it, I'm just expecting far too much and have turned into some kind of shrew.

I seriously want them OUT of here. I guess what I need to do is to kick the kids out and if Greg chooses to follow them, I'll have killed 2 birds with one stone. I found this house, I make the payments, I arranged the land contract on it, and I grew up just downt he road from it. I really don't want to leave. This is my HOME. However humble, I want to keep it.

I AM depressed, but it's not a chemical depression.. it's situational,. and I think until I get this resolved, it's just going to be like this for me.

I have one older daughter (different father, didn't get spoiled by him) who is married, is a nurse, works full time, is a good mom, and a wonderful daughter to me. She's a responsible loving person who I am very proud of. I wish I could say the same for the younger 2.

[RLC12345678]

Originally Posted by Tink

Thanks Ladies. To hear them tell it, I'm just expecting far too much and have turned into some kind of shrew.

I seriously want them OUT of here. I guess what I need to do is to kick the kids out and if Greg chooses to follow them, I'll have killed 2 birds with one stone. I found this house, I make the payments, I arranged the land contract on it, and I grew up just downt he road from it. I really don't want to leave. This is my HOME. However humble, I want to keep it.

I AM depressed, but it's not a chemical depression.. it's situational,. and I think until I get this resolved, it's just going to be like this for me.

I have one older daughter (different father, didn't get spoiled by him) who is married, is a nurse, works full time, is a good mom, and a wonderful daughter to me. She's a responsible loving person who I am very proud of. I wish I could say the same for the younger 2.

You should give your husband some sort of ultimatum. The way he is treating you just is not right. You and your hubby are supposed to be a TEAM!

[Tink]

I have given ultimatums and this is the result.
I need to stand firm and just say do it or get out! I know this in my head... it's not so easy in my heart when I am so convinced that the only way out is for ME to go.

Do I call cops to evict my own kids when my husband has given them permission to stay? It makes no sense, but I know he will choose them over me. He always has.

Tink,

I am 25 years old and have no familyof my own. I make my own money and pay my mom every month, not much but enough to cover some expenses. I do often take her for granted and I realize that. To tell you the truth, it took me while to see that. Your son has to start making his money or he won't realize that money don't grow from trees. YOu daughter shuld know how hard it is to make a buck these days and I think that all she needs is a good sit down - NOT SCOLDING! Just express how you feel and explain that you are overwhlemed and need help to at least keep the house presentable.

FORCE your son to work! Take away his car until he finds a job, even though noone is driving it. TRUST ME- he needs to sense some sort of loss.

Hope this helped.

[Tink]

Thanks all. I need your suport right now to keep my spine stiff.

I haven't talked with my daughter yet, because she hasn't been home in several days. I doubt she's seen her email yet.

My son however, was quite unhappy with it. He did talk with a friend of his who has just signed up for the military and is now considering that for himself. He agrees he needs to make some big changes and did start straightening the house a bit today. He's a long way from where I'd like him to be, but at least he's talking rationally and sees a need for change.

I haven't talked with my hubby yet. I have no idea how he will react, but even with him I plan to just tell it like I see it and hope he's willing to see my side of things. I seriously won't be surprised if he doesn't, but that's a chance I have to take. I just can't continue like this.

[highlans]

MY daughter who is now married with a family of her own said to me the other day " I am sorry I did not help out at home more I did not realize how hard you worked to keep the house, food on the table, working and us all happy".
Did bring a tear to my eye's, better late than never.