Used, abused and totally taken for granted

[Tink]

Thanks all. I need your suport right now to keep my spine stiff.

I haven't talked with my daughter yet, because she hasn't been home in several days. I doubt she's seen her email yet.

My son however, was quite unhappy with it. He did talk with a friend of his who has just signed up for the military and is now considering that for himself. He agrees he needs to make some big changes and did start straightening the house a bit today. He's a long way from where I'd like him to be, but at least he's talking rationally and sees a need for change.

I haven't talked with my hubby yet. I have no idea how he will react, but even with him I plan to just tell it like I see it and hope he's willing to see my side of things. I seriously won't be surprised if he doesn't, but that's a chance I have to take. I just can't continue like this.

[Emmsmom]

Good for you!! I think the military would be good for BOTH of them. At least you have one starting to think about going down the right path. I can't believe Katie has even bothered to call and check in. That would really tick me off!!I think you did the right thing. You have put up with so much for WAY to long.

((HUGS))

[DianaB]

Originally Posted by Tink

Thanks all. I need your suport right now to keep my spine stiff.

I haven't talked with my daughter yet, because she hasn't been home in several days. I doubt she's seen her email yet.

My son however, was quite unhappy with it. He did talk with a friend of his who has just signed up for the military and is now considering that for himself. He agrees he needs to make some big changes and did start straightening the house a bit today. He's a long way from where I'd like him to be, but at least he's talking rationally and sees a need for change.

I haven't talked with my hubby yet. I have no idea how he will react, but even with him I plan to just tell it like I see it and hope he's willing to see my side of things. I seriously won't be surprised if he doesn't, but that's a chance I have to take. I just can't continue like this.

At least your son is making an effort and sees that he needs a change in his life. I hope that you see efforts from the others as well. Good luck and keep us posted.

[Tink]

Hubby just called and will be home in a bit. Since both kids are gone tonight, it will give me an opportunity to talk with him about this before the kids do which I think is good. So cross your fingers and say a prayer if you will. I need all the help I can get.

[red98vett]

GOOD LUCK !! Man you need it ...

I kept thinking about that old commercial - CALGON TAKE ME AWAY and YOU are a perfect candidate for some time OFF. I hope your family comes to their senses and startes pitching in -

The cycle of life is pretty weird - by the time our kids really appreciate all we've done - they have their OWN kids and we end up doing it all over again with the grandkids.....

Hope your talk works - if anyone needs a break - it's you.

[Tink]

My daughter came by today, washed her clothes, packed them up and left.
She claims I expect her to do too much and she's not going to help clean the house, so won't be coming back. She said she will stay with friends until she's able to get a place. She apologized for treating me so nastily but tried to justify it by saying she's depressed over her friends death, and so on. It's seriously been going on long before he died, but I didn't argue with her.

She was particularly angry that I told her I didn't want her sleeping on the sofa in the living room anymore. She has given away 2 beds... so right now has none... so I explained that's not my fault and she can sleep on her inflatable mattress or featherbed in her room until she's able to get another bed. She thinks I'm being totally unreasonable. She has no clue how frustrating it is to never be able to use your own living room because she's sprawled out on the couch.

I wish she'd have reacted differently, but she made the choice to leave, so now I hope she's able to make a go of it. I am also glad I didn't kick her out... but gave her options on how she could stay. At least this way it was her choice. I guess I'll be surprised if she doesn't come back in a couple weeks, but again, if she does, she's going to have to agree to living differently than she has been.

My son hasn't done much today, but has no desire to move out, so I'm going to have to get on his case more. It's hard to get him to do anything, but it's also important (for both our sakes) that he does.

[Tink]

I had a good long talk with my husband tonight.
Amazingly he agreed with me on most of what I've been thinking. He too is very frustrated with the way the kids have gotten to be. He is more afraid of them being angry with us for standing our ground, but he agrees that we do need to do something.

I showed him the email I sent, and their responses back to me. He was NOT happy with their part in it or the part where I said if he sided with them he could also leave with them. But he cooled down toward me after I explained.

So anyway, for tonight, we're ont he same page about this. Here's hoping it stays this way.

[Janet]

Originally Posted by Tink

I had a good long talk with my husband tonight.
Amazingly he agreed with me on most of what I've been thinking. He too is very frustrated with the way the kids have gotten to be. He is more afraid of them being angry with us for standing our ground, but he agrees that we do need to do something.

I showed him the email I sent, and their responses back to me. He was NOT happy with their part in it or the part where I said if he sided with them he could also leave with them. But he cooled down toward me after I explained.

So anyway, for tonight, we're ont he same page about this. Here's hoping it stays this way.

My husband is like that too with our son. He doesn't want him mad at him. I say "too bad." I have a responsiblity to God to raise him the best I can with what I know. I won't break that promise because my son might get mad at me. It takes more energy, physical and emotional to be angry than it does to be happy.

I'm glad you two were able to talk. It's a first step. Just keep the lines of communication open with your husband and tell him at the first sign of more frustration instead of waiting on it to build. I've been saying a prayer for you nightly and I wish you the best. It'll happen....I'm sure of it.

[Janet]

Originally Posted by Tink

My daughter came by today, washed her clothes, packed them up and left.
She claims I expect her to do too much and she's not going to help clean the house, so won't be coming back. She said she will stay with friends until she's able to get a place. She apologized for treating me so nastily but tried to justify it by saying she's depressed over her friends death, and so on. It's seriously been going on long before he died, but I didn't argue with her.

She was particularly angry that I told her I didn't want her sleeping on the sofa in the living room anymore. She has given away 2 beds... so right now has none... so I explained that's not my fault and she can sleep on her inflatable mattress or featherbed in her room until she's able to get another bed. She thinks I'm being totally unreasonable. She has no clue how frustrating it is to never be able to use your own living room because she's sprawled out on the couch.

I wish she'd have reacted differently, but she made the choice to leave, so now I hope she's able to make a go of it. I am also glad I didn't kick her out... but gave her options on how she could stay. At least this way it was her choice. I guess I'll be surprised if she doesn't come back in a couple weeks, but again, if she does, she's going to have to agree to living differently than she has been.

My son hasn't done much today, but has no desire to move out, so I'm going to have to get on his case more. It's hard to get him to do anything, but it's also important (for both our sakes) that he does.

Sorry she felt she had to leave Tink, but I can't believe she was living rent free, grocery free and didn't think she should help clean the house. I think alot of kids want to find an excuse instead of taking the blame for their own actions. A death can belt us quite a blow, but you said she was that way before.

You are not being unreasonable by any means. She's lucky she didn't have me for a mother....I expect a lot and if I don't get it, there are consequences. I've always told my son "Yes I expect a lot, but never too much."

You're right it was her choice. If she doesn't help her friends...then they may end up telling her the same thing you did. I'm glad you're planning on sticking to your rules IF she decides to come back. And she should know this before she does, if she does.

Sometimes, guys just don't have a clue. If I want stuff done around here, especially my husband more than my son...all I have to do is write it down and hand him the list. It gets done then, but I can't expect him to know, to some guys certain things just don't really matter as much to them as it does us. So you just may have to leave him a daily list and tell him when you want them done and what the consequences are if they aren't.

It sounds like you are doing the right things Tink, this is just her way of not letting you control her. She'll realize one day that it's "your" house and you do control it.
You're being a good Mom, Tink....don't let anyone tell you different!