Feeling very sad tonight

[Tink]

Angie, I'm sorry you're feeling blue.
I think Marilyn said it beautifully, as usual. We all go through different phases of life that are meaningful (and ever changing). Sometimes where we've been and what we've done seem better than where we're heading, but that's just because we can't see the future as clearly as the past. You have to keep going or you'll miss the NEXT wonderful picture taking moment!

There's a neat story I think about when I'm pondering the future. I hope it will help you too. I realize you're young and far from the stage the woman in the story is at, but she is so right...
"Hang on to your fork, 'cause You haven't had desert yet! "




The sound of Martha's voice on the other end of the telephone always brought a smile to Pastor Jim's face. She was not only one of the oldest members of the congregation, but one of the most faithful. Aunt Martie, as all of the children called her, just seemed to ooze faith, hope, and love wherever she went. This time, however, there seemed to be an unusual tone to her words.

"Preacher, could you stop be this afternoon? I need to talk with you."

"Of course, I'll be there around three. Is that OK?" It didn't take long for Jim to discover the reason for what he had only sensed in her voice before. As they sat facing each other in the quiet of her small living room. Martha shared the news that her doctor had just discovered a previously undetected tumor.

"He says I probably have six months to live". Martha's words were naturally serious, yet there was a definite calm about her.

"I'm so sorry to .." but before Jim could finish, Martha interrupted.

"Don't be. The Lord has been good. I have lived a long life. I'm ready to go. You know that."

"I know," Jim whispered with a reassuring nod.

"But I do want to talk with you about my funeral. I have been thinking about it, and there are things that I know I want."

The two talked quietly for a long time. They talked about Martha's favorite hymns, the passages of Scripture that have meant so much to her through the years, and the many memories they shared from the five years Jim had been with Central Church.

When it seemed that they had covered just about everything, Aunt Martie paused, looked up at Jim with a twinkle in her eye, and then added, "One more thing, preacher. When they bury me, I want my old Bible in one hand and a fork in the other".

"A fork? Jim was sure he had heard everything, but this caught him by surprise. "Why do you want to be buried with a fork?"

"I have been thinking about all of the church dinners and banquets that I attended through the years," she explained, "I couldn't begin to count them all. But one thing sticks in my mind, at those really nice get-togethers, when the meal was almost finished, a server or maybe the hostess would come by to collect the dirty dishes. I can hear the words now. Sometimes, at the best ones, somebody would lean over my shoulder and whisper, 'You can keep your fork.' and do you know what that meant? Dessert was coming! It didn't mean a cup of Jell-O or pudding or even a dish of ice cream. You don't need a fork for that. It meant the good stuff, like chocolate cake or cherry pie! When they told me I could keep my fork, I knew the best was yet to come! That's exactly what I want people to talk about at my funeral. Oh, they can talk about all the good times we had together. That would be nice. But when they walk by my casket and look at my pretty blue dress, I want them to turn to one another and say, 'Why the fork'? That's what I want you to say, I want you to tell them, that I kept my fork because the best is yet to come!"

[AngieDoogles]

Thank you so much ladies. Your responses really touched me.

I'm sad again just thinking about this situation. I kind of wish this one aspect of my life could be like it was and everything else stay the same, but like you all have said, it wouldn't be the same. I'm not trying to be cryptic, I promise. It's just that I don't have the words to describe the emotions I'm feeling (how can you ever truly convey something you feel so strongly?). I thought things were getting better for a brief period of time and then without warning, it suddenly got worse again with no explanation.

I sat down this morning and started writing an email. I wanted to really put my heart into it so that the words I said would convey exactly what I wanted them to (and the depth of the emotion I'm feeling as well). I wrote a lot, cried a lot, and then deleted it. It just wasn't enough. It wasn't what I wanted it to be, and it wouldn't change anything anyway so why try?

I wish I could be happy with my life, but so often I find myself thinking about this situation. I don't even know why I go back to look at those pictures in the first place. Maybe I should just delete them and get rid of everything else that brings back those memories. Maybe that would keep me from feeling so sad and hopeless...

[goofywife]

Angie,

Back in the day (when I was younger) I was in a situation that made me feel like you are describing, I found my solice in running and talking with the lord, and when I thought, I couldn't run any more, is when I felt closest to God. This helped me through it. Now, when I look back, I that situation is what helped make me who I am today.

So, as the others have said it so beautifully, take heart, sometime in your future you will look back with fondness and see what came out of the situation.

Good luck, I will keep you in my prayers.

Michelle

Originally Posted by AngieDoogles

Thank you so much ladies. Your responses really touched me.

I'm sad again just thinking about this situation. I kind of wish this one aspect of my life could be like it was and everything else stay the same, but like you all have said, it wouldn't be the same. I'm not trying to be cryptic, I promise. It's just that I don't have the words to describe the emotions I'm feeling (how can you ever truly convey something you feel so strongly?). I thought things were getting better for a brief period of time and then without warning, it suddenly got worse again with no explanation.

I sat down this morning and started writing an email. I wanted to really put my heart into it so that the words I said would convey exactly what I wanted them to (and the depth of the emotion I'm feeling as well). I wrote a lot, cried a lot, and then deleted it. It just wasn't enough. It wasn't what I wanted it to be, and it wouldn't change anything anyway so why try?

I wish I could be happy with my life, but so often I find myself thinking about this situation. I don't even know why I go back to look at those pictures in the first place. Maybe I should just delete them and get rid of everything else that brings back those memories. Maybe that would keep me from feeling so sad and hopeless...

[Janet]

Marilyn, your response was just beautiful. I think, at times, I know how you feel Angie. I'll keep you close in prayer.

[AngieDoogles]

Originally Posted by Janet

Marilyn, your response was just beautiful. I think, at times, I know how you feel Angie. I'll keep you close in prayer.

I'm sorry that you have to feel that way Janet. I thank you and Michelle (and the others) for all of your prayers.

[Janet]

Oh Angie, I don't feel that way all the time and you won't either. I just meant I know how you feel. Pictures...a song...a story...sometimes will take us back, but that's only because we're remembering the good stuff in those memories and not the bad..... I hope you feel better soon.

[AngieDoogles]

Originally Posted by Janet

Oh Angie, I don't feel that way all the time and you won't either. I just meant I know how you feel. Pictures...a song...a story...sometimes will take us back, but that's only because we're remembering the good stuff in those memories and not the bad..... I hope you feel better soon.

I know you don't feel that way all the time. I just hate it that you do on occasion. You are such a sweet lady and I hate to think of anything making you sad or upset.

Remembering the good makes you sad that things have changed though...does that make sense? That's what I'm feeling, I guess.

[judy]

Dear Angie,

You can't delete the feelings, even if you delete the pictures honey. I used to lead a group for divorced and separated women and our theme was "You can't get through it until you go though it." Sadly, this is the absolute truth. You're strong and good and you'll work it through in your own mind until you make peace with yourself.

In the meantime, I'm sending you prayers and lots of hugs,

Judy

[AngieDoogles]

Originally Posted by judy

Dear Angie,

You can't delete the feelings, even if you delete the pictures honey. I used to lead a group for divorced and separated women and our theme was "You can't get through it until you go though it." Sadly, this is the absolute truth. You're strong and good and you'll work it through in your own mind until you make peace with yourself.

In the meantime, I'm sending you prayers and lots of hugs,

Judy

So you don't think deleting those pictures will help? I thought maybe it would help me to not dwell on things that won't change. My thinking was that if I have nothing to remind me of it, then I won't think about it as much and won't feel as sad. I already got rid of all of the pictures in my house, just not the ones on my computer yet (or old emails, I'm really bad about reading those and making myself sad again).

Thank you for your advice, prayers, and hugs! I really appreciate it.