anyone ever

[rivermom]

I am very sorry for you. I can't imagine what you must be going through as I myself have not had to experience the loss of a child. Even though this baby was not your own it clearly is such a loss for you.

Possibly seeking someone professional you can speak to might help. This has been a major trauma for you. I wish you peace through this all.

i would love to see a professional but we have no ins because hubby started his own company and we cant afford it right now plus they would just put me bk on meds and that made me into a zombie, i couldnt even remember what happened durring the day when i was on them. not remembering was ok but now that i am off everything its like going bk to day one with emotions. and when i did see someone all he did was up meds. if i do ever get the money i will make sure to tell them no meds this time. i have to learn how to get through this not cover it up.

[Mandy]

Im so sorry you are having to deal with this. It would be a good thing if you can talk about your experience, and feelings as much as possible. Whether it be a pro. or not... talking about it, and sharing feelings, does help, and eases a little. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, be it anger, sadness, i can understand you are having a lot of mixed emotions right now.

Best wishes.

[katepoet]

It's such a hard thing - you will feel the lose of this little angel for a lifetime, but it will not always be so present or so hard. Give time a chance. It takes on average 3 years to begin to feel happy more consistently when you lose someone close to you. Crazy statistic but I found it helped to realize it was normal to feel sad for a long time.

[highlans]

Have just come on for a few min whilst I am cooking tea, but I will come back when I have more time to answer this as I have gone through this with my best friend. xxx

[rivermom]

Originally Posted by scoob

i would love to see a professional but we have no ins because hubby started his own company and we cant afford it right now plus they would just put me bk on meds and that made me into a zombie, i couldnt even remember what happened durring the day when i was on them. not remembering was ok but now that i am off everything its like going bk to day one with emotions. and when i did see someone all he did was up meds. if i do ever get the money i will make sure to tell them no meds this time. i have to learn how to get through this not cover it up.

I understand what you are saying here. There are some great women here and like Mandy said "talking about it and going through the flow of emotions is how you heal" Time heals all wounds and you are right, covering it up with meds isn't the answer always.

[Tink]

Scoob, I lost a 10 yr old nephew who I was very close to, and an 18 yr old who was like a son to me. The nephew has been gone 17 years and I still shed a few tears now and then but I don't think of him every day anymore like I used to. The 18 yr old has been gone 2 years. I still break down when I hear certain songs that he loved or were played at his funeral. I still feel a void but again, it's less intense and less frequent than it used to be. I don't love them any less, but I have had to go on.

I think it's always harder when it's young people... we just can't justify in our minds why they would go before us. We figure we should have been able to protect them and prevent it from having happened... but we're not God and when God says it's time for them to go we are totally powerless to stop it. What we can do is to be glad for the time we had them, the love they shared with us, and hope that we learn from their loss to fully appreciate the other loved ones we still have. We owe them that much.

Life can change or end in a heartbeat. We truly need to make the most of every second we have.

[DianaB]

We live in a society that doesn't allow us to take time and grieve. Probably being medicated just put off the grieving and so now that you're off of the meds you're still dealing with the loss. I know that when I had a miscarriage I found out that I was grieving over my loss. Nobody else felt the loss of this little life like I did. I thought that I was going to lose my mind and then I found a pamphlet on grief and everything in it fit what I was feeling. Do some internet searches and you'll find a lot of information on grief and the different steps that there are to it.

Here's a site that has some suggestions.

http://www.hns.org/CenterforGriefHea...0/Default.aspx

http://seniorliving.about.com/od/lif...a/grieving.htm

If you need to talk then send me a PM--Diana

3 years! this is what i dont get i have never gotten this way when someone close to me died, usually i just know they are in a good palce. i know eligh is also but somehow its different. i dont know if its because i found him or if it was because he was only 4 1/2 months old. and even though i know it wasnt my fault and even if i would have seen it happening there would have been nothing i could have done to stop it i still feel horralbe about it. i have been babysitting for 24 years and i loved doing it but now the fun is gonei still panic if they sleep to long,i still cant sleep at night, and worst of all i am not as excited as i want to be about my first grand child comming in feb i feel like my firend and husband are sick of me being like this and i try to make my self happy but it doesnt really work. i am sorry for going on about this but i just dont know how to get back to being happy anymore. i dont think it really depression i think its most the trauma of it all along with many other things going on in our life.

[DianaB]

You have probably never had a death affect you like this one has. One, because the child was so young. Two, because the child was in your care. Both of those points would be hard.

Do you have a pastor that you can talk to? Someone to help you deal with your grief? You need someone that you can talk to because by holding it in and keeping it to yourself you're not healing. I know that after I had my miscarriage that my mind would not leave me alone. It kept going over and over everything I had done since I had gotten pregnant, trying to find out what had caused it. I finally found a book on miscarriages and by reading it I finally realized that I had done nothing wrong. It still took a long time for that to sink into my heart. Grieving is a journey. Sometimes a long journey. Look at the stages of grief on this website--

http://www.hns.org/Portals/1/Stages%20of%20Grief.pdf

I'm sure that you'll find one of the stages that fits where you're at.

Here's a website on how to take care of yourself.

http://www.hns.org/Portals/1/Taking%...%20Handout.pdf

I also advise that you get check into a book on grieving on a Christian store on-line. Here's a site that I recommend with some books on grieving.

http://www.christianbook.com/Christi...search=1&cms=1

Again, if you need to talk or chat. Please let me know. I'm here.--Diana