sexless relationships

[jrsygal37]

Originally Posted by HALEY

He said it's cause we fight all the time....

If that's true then maybe a marriage councelor could help get to the root of why you are fighting all the time and what can be done to prevent it. I'm not real big on counceling but I know it's helped a lot of marriages. How long have you guys been married? Any children? Elaine

[DianaB]

Medicines do make a difference so you might want to check them first for any problems. I know that I've had medicine affect me like that and I changed meds.

I know that for me if we're not getting along I don't get in the "mood" either. I don't want to make love to someone that I'm upset with.

I think that Elaine gave some pretty good advice and I agree with her. A good counselor may be in order for you two.

[Janet]

Looks like Elaine and Diana have the answers here. Very good advice. If his answer is true..well, it would be hard to want to be with someone that you fight with all the time.

[DianaB]

Haley, something else you might want to think about is........your little boy takes a lot of your time and energy. Are you sitting aside some time for your husband as well. We like to think that they're grownups and that they understand that babies need a lot of care and our time, but husband's are more selfish than that. They like that time too. They like knowing that for a change they come before the baby does. In other words, they like to be babied too.

My husband was so green with envy when I got Reuger. We weren't getting along the best and he was so jealous of the attention that the dog was getting. It still annoys my husband when he's is paying attention to me and I pick Reuger up and put him on my lap. I've learned to ignore Reuger and make my husband feel special too. I think that the same can be said for men and babies. It's not that he doesn't love your son, it's just that your husband wants your undivided attention. Give it a try and see what happens.

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by DianaB

Haley, something else you might want to think about is........your little boy takes a lot of your time and energy. Are you sitting aside some time for your husband as well. We like to think that they're grownups and that they understand that babies need a lot of care and our time, but husband's are more selfish than that. They like that time too. They like knowing that for a change they come before the baby does. In other words, they like to be babied too.

My husband was so green with envy when I got Reuger. We weren't getting along the best and he was so jealous of the attention that the dog was getting. It still annoys my husband when he's is paying attention to me and I pick Reuger up and put him on my lap. I've learned to ignore Reuger and make my husband feel special too. I think that the same can be said for men and babies. It's not that he doesn't love your son, it's just that your husband wants your undivided attention. Give it a try and see what happens.

I would give him attention if he would help me with the baby after work and not sit on his butt and watch tv or drink beer.. that might help... He's just lazy and he's getting worse... Like back in Feb. we got new doors for the house, and one of them are still in the box, but if one of his friends call and need something he is out the door in a heartbeat and i don't think its fair, im busting my ass off to make our home look nice and he does nothing to try and help me... i use all MY extra money (bonuses) on the house,, and he don't appreciate it.. i should of left him in his crappy apartment with the lifestyle he had running to the bars everyday spending his paychecks....

[teri88]

awww, Haley I'm so sorry you are going through this. Was your husband like this before you had the baby, or is this a new behavior? Maybe he is overwhelmed by the thought of fatherhood. Some men also can't see their wives as a sexual partner after watching them give birth.

I know you say you don't have the time or interest in counseling, but I encourage you to rethink that. You married this man only 2 years ago....you must have loved him then. For the sake of your son, you need to work very, very hard to save your marriage. If you can't go for counseling right now, let me suggest an exercise that I learned from a parenting class I took years ago.

EVERY day you need to write down 3 things you admire or love about your husband. You don't have to share it with anyone, just write it down. Then, whenever you have a negative thought about him, you immediately replace it in your mind with a positive one. With the way you are feeling right now, it won't be easy in the begining. But you will be surprised how quickly it will become second nature.

You can't change him, but you can change how YOU feel about what is going on. Marriages go in cycles, you are juggling a child, a home and a job. (and I know Michal has been sick lately too) Try to take some couples time. Hire a babysitter and get out of that house with him. If you can't afford a babysitter then find a friend willing to swap sitting time. You don't have to do anything expensive. Take a walk in a park. Go for an ice cream cone. Go sit inside the church you were married in. Just do it together and do it often......no kids allowed.

The library is full of books with suggestions on how to improve your relationship. Don't give up yet. It will be worth all of the effort I know it will!

[HALEY]

Thanks Terri, it started right after we got married and found out i was pregnant!
Then the family came into the picture and there just terrible pushy people that wanted to rule my life and family, and i put my foot down after a year of there abuse and them telling me how to raise my son.
Lately he's been helping with with things, but the last couple of months he's gone down hill again, it's a fight everytime i even ask him to take out the garbage or even cut the grass, i actually have to tell him to cut the grass, That sould not be my job... he could see the grass needs cut.. He use to wash my truck he don't even do that anymore, i'm stuck with everything, he invites his friends over and they sit outside all night and drink beer. It's overwhelming to me.. i have a job and house a baby and two dogs to take care of, plus i have to pick up after him.
He cooked himself dinner last night around 9 when we were sleeping and you should have seen the kitchen this morning, and i had to clean it up before work..
I didn't even eat dinner last night. its just not fair....

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by jrsygal37

If that's true then maybe a marriage councelor could help get to the root of why you are fighting all the time and what can be done to prevent it. I'm not real big on counceling but I know it's helped a lot of marriages. How long have you guys been married? Any children? Elaine

we dated on and off for about 8 years, been married for 2 years, with a 1 year old son. Right now i really don't have the time nor do i want to go to counceling, he's just lazy that's most of our fights, he wants to come home from work grab a beer and sit in the garage all night, and i just get so sick of it. i work to! and have a house and kid to take care of, he is still saying he wants to move out when he gets his company truck, i can't wait, they now pushed it back to Aug. 8th, so well see. Had it with him and his family, maybe this is the best for now, sick of the yo-yo life style that i have...

[donna1990]

Originally Posted by HALEY

we dated on and off for about 8 years, been married for 2 years, with a 1 year old son. Right now i really don't have the time nor do i want to go to counceling, he's just lazy that's most of our fights, he wants to come home from work grab a beer and sit in the garage all night, and i just get so sick of it. i work to! and have a house and kid to take care of, he is still saying he wants to move out when he gets his company truck, i can't wait, they now pushed it back to Aug. 8th, so well see. Had it with him and his family, maybe this is the best for now, sick of the yo-yo life style that i have...

Sounds as if he is depressed, drinking beer and in the garage alone.

[AngieDoogles]

Haley, I received an amazing letter from my Matron of Honor and her husband just before Brendon and I got married. There are so many wonderful pieces of advice...I'm just going to post the whole thing for you and you can take from it what you will. Keeping these things in mind has really helped our marriage grow and prosper. Of all the "wedding and marriage advice" I received, this is what I still hold close to my heart when I think of how I want my marriage to be.

Brendon and Angela,

We love you both and we pray that God will bless your marriage. We pray that you will both seek to better your relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. As you draw closer to the Lord, He draws you closer together. It is easy to get your focus on what you want but keep your eyes on Him.

We are very blessed to have such a wonderful marriage and we want you two to be as content and happy as we are. Here are some of our secrets.

As state above and most imporantly, keep your eyes on Christ.

Love is an action not a reflex. Remember to love one another.

Brendon, you are to love Angela "as Christ loved the church." Christ gave His life for the church. The husband's responsibility is to put his wife first and then his family. You hold the spiritual responsibility and growth in your hands as the head of the home. Make sure you are serving the Lord Jesus Christ and He will give you wisdom and strength to carry your family.

Angela, you are to respect and reverence your husband. As a woman, you can really diminish your husband's self-esteem if you are not very careful. Lift Brendon up and make sure he knows that you are resting in his arms as the head of your home even when he may make a decision that you may not agree with. Give him the opportunity to lead you as the spiritual head of the home.

You have heard the saying "Marriage is 50-50," marriage is 100-100. Don't base what you put in the marriage by what your partner is putting in. You just automatically give 100%.

We want you to have a perfect marriage. You may be thinking "No marriage is perfect" and you are right, but your marriage can be perfect for you. Our marriage is perfect for us. Seek God's wisdom and His wisdom is perfect so you cannot go wrong. Here is some scripture that might be helpful: 1 Cor. 7:2-4, 10-14; Eph. 5:22-28, 33; Titus 2; Matt. 19:5-6; 1 Cor. 13.

May God forever bless your lives and be the center of the same.
All our love and prayer are with you.

[Emmsmom]

I just have to say that I don't see anything wrong with letting Micah sleep in your bed. Emmie slept with us till she was 3. There are other ways of staying close to your husband. A bed is just a bed and you still have the whole house to play and spend some alone time together after he goes to sleep. We use to pile blankets up in the living room and sleep in there. Yeah we were kicked out of our own bed but so what. I thought it was fun. I truly miss those times.
We lost power the other night and piled blankets up in the livingroom. With Emmie at camp this week we enjoyed it and it brought back some fun memories.

They grown up so fast. I am younger than some here but I am still very much old fashioned except when it comes to this. I had my family tell me that we would ruin our marriage. Yet we are going on our 14th Anniv. I don't think that alone will ruin a relationship. There are many other factors to consider.

TO be honest if I were in Haley's shoes and Micah was my son I wouldn't be doing anything differently. They are only little once and like Haley I wanted to enjoy every minute of it. I think maybe letting Micah stay with grandma for the weekend would give you a good chance to sit and talk. That way there wouldn't be any distraction.

Sorry, It jsut hits a sore spot when some think that kids sharing a bed is wrong. I know many don't agree and thats ok. The world would be very boring if we all agreed. lol

Haley I hope you guys can work things out. ((HUGS))

[pope1982]

Originally Posted by Emmsmom

I just have to say that I don't see anything wrong with letting Micah sleep in your bed.
Sorry, It jsut hits a sore spot when some think that kids sharing a bed is wrong. I know many don't agree and thats ok. The world would be very boring if we all agreed. lol

Not attacking you, just sharing my side of the argument....


http://www.sidscenter.org/SafeSleep/...Clock.html#bed
Bed Sharing
The issue of sleeping with your baby is complicated. The evidence suggests that bed sharing with your baby can increase the risk of SIDS and suffocation. An alternative to bed sharing is to place the baby’s crib near your bed to allow for more convenient feeding and contact. Consider returning the baby to the crib after feeding.

IMPORTANT: If you have been drinking alcohol, or taking drugs/medicines that may make you sleepy, or are excessively tired, do not bring your baby into bed with you to sleep.

If you choose to share a bed with your baby, the following safety measures are recommended:

Protect your baby by using the back sleep position, avoiding soft surfaces or loose covers, and moving the bed or furniture away from the wall to prevent the baby from becoming trapped. Make sure your baby’s head remains uncovered during sleep.

Make sure the baby sleeps on a mattress that is firm. The baby’s face can get stuck in soft bedding and she might not be able to breathe.

If you choose to bed-share routinely you should consider removing the mattress and placing it on the floor in the middle of the room, thereby helping to prevent the baby from falling or becoming trapped.


It also gives me the willies to think of a child sharing our marital bed. Who knows what kind of yuck is around there... I certainly don't change my sheets every single day. Not to mention, I wouldn't be able to leave my child unattended in that wide open space and enjoy myself on the floor in the other room.

Not unless there were protective rails, and the bed was pretty much stripped...
I watched an episode of HBOs Autopsy- Ask Dr. Baden where it was determined after going over all the evidence a woman was responsible for 3 of her infants accidental deaths without even being aware when it was happening.
She was such a heavy sleeper, she had either rolled, or hadn't heard the babies smothering in the blankets. She was devastated and he explained to her, it is one of the most common factors in infant death.

Even more so years ago, before the crib was invented.

[Emmsmom]

Well I won't argue with you on this point. Not sure if you have children but before I had a baby I thought the very same thing as far as the dangers. As far as the "Yuck" in the bed. Well to be honest that is just plain nasty and I can assure you that "Yuck" was never in my bed. When you have a baby you ahve to make sure everything in the house is clean. I only posted to let Haley know from one Mom to another that she was not alone in her beliefs. As far as enjoying myself on the floor and leaving her unattended.... Not sure what you are trying to imply and I really don't care. My child grew up very healthy and very independent. If I could go back in time I wouldn't have changed a thing.

If you look at this link you will see that many other doctors will disagree with you.

http://www.breastfeeding.com/reading..._slepping.html

In his book on Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, pediatrician William Sears cites co-sleeping as a proactive measure parents can take to reduce the risk of this tragedy. McKenna's research shows that babies who sleep with parents spend less time in Level III sleep, a state of deep sleep when the risk of apneas are increased. Further, co-sleeping babies learn to imitate healthy breathing patterns from their bunkmates