sexless relationships

[AngieDoogles]

Haley, I received an amazing letter from my Matron of Honor and her husband just before Brendon and I got married. There are so many wonderful pieces of advice...I'm just going to post the whole thing for you and you can take from it what you will. Keeping these things in mind has really helped our marriage grow and prosper. Of all the "wedding and marriage advice" I received, this is what I still hold close to my heart when I think of how I want my marriage to be.

Brendon and Angela,

We love you both and we pray that God will bless your marriage. We pray that you will both seek to better your relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. As you draw closer to the Lord, He draws you closer together. It is easy to get your focus on what you want but keep your eyes on Him.

We are very blessed to have such a wonderful marriage and we want you two to be as content and happy as we are. Here are some of our secrets.

As state above and most imporantly, keep your eyes on Christ.

Love is an action not a reflex. Remember to love one another.

Brendon, you are to love Angela "as Christ loved the church." Christ gave His life for the church. The husband's responsibility is to put his wife first and then his family. You hold the spiritual responsibility and growth in your hands as the head of the home. Make sure you are serving the Lord Jesus Christ and He will give you wisdom and strength to carry your family.

Angela, you are to respect and reverence your husband. As a woman, you can really diminish your husband's self-esteem if you are not very careful. Lift Brendon up and make sure he knows that you are resting in his arms as the head of your home even when he may make a decision that you may not agree with. Give him the opportunity to lead you as the spiritual head of the home.

You have heard the saying "Marriage is 50-50," marriage is 100-100. Don't base what you put in the marriage by what your partner is putting in. You just automatically give 100%.

We want you to have a perfect marriage. You may be thinking "No marriage is perfect" and you are right, but your marriage can be perfect for you. Our marriage is perfect for us. Seek God's wisdom and His wisdom is perfect so you cannot go wrong. Here is some scripture that might be helpful: 1 Cor. 7:2-4, 10-14; Eph. 5:22-28, 33; Titus 2; Matt. 19:5-6; 1 Cor. 13.

May God forever bless your lives and be the center of the same.
All our love and prayer are with you.

[Emmsmom]

I just have to say that I don't see anything wrong with letting Micah sleep in your bed. Emmie slept with us till she was 3. There are other ways of staying close to your husband. A bed is just a bed and you still have the whole house to play and spend some alone time together after he goes to sleep. We use to pile blankets up in the living room and sleep in there. Yeah we were kicked out of our own bed but so what. I thought it was fun. I truly miss those times.
We lost power the other night and piled blankets up in the livingroom. With Emmie at camp this week we enjoyed it and it brought back some fun memories.

They grown up so fast. I am younger than some here but I am still very much old fashioned except when it comes to this. I had my family tell me that we would ruin our marriage. Yet we are going on our 14th Anniv. I don't think that alone will ruin a relationship. There are many other factors to consider.

TO be honest if I were in Haley's shoes and Micah was my son I wouldn't be doing anything differently. They are only little once and like Haley I wanted to enjoy every minute of it. I think maybe letting Micah stay with grandma for the weekend would give you a good chance to sit and talk. That way there wouldn't be any distraction.

Sorry, It jsut hits a sore spot when some think that kids sharing a bed is wrong. I know many don't agree and thats ok. The world would be very boring if we all agreed. lol

Haley I hope you guys can work things out. ((HUGS))

[pope1982]

Originally Posted by Emmsmom

I just have to say that I don't see anything wrong with letting Micah sleep in your bed.
Sorry, It jsut hits a sore spot when some think that kids sharing a bed is wrong. I know many don't agree and thats ok. The world would be very boring if we all agreed. lol

Not attacking you, just sharing my side of the argument....


http://www.sidscenter.org/SafeSleep/...Clock.html#bed
Bed Sharing
The issue of sleeping with your baby is complicated. The evidence suggests that bed sharing with your baby can increase the risk of SIDS and suffocation. An alternative to bed sharing is to place the baby’s crib near your bed to allow for more convenient feeding and contact. Consider returning the baby to the crib after feeding.

IMPORTANT: If you have been drinking alcohol, or taking drugs/medicines that may make you sleepy, or are excessively tired, do not bring your baby into bed with you to sleep.

If you choose to share a bed with your baby, the following safety measures are recommended:

Protect your baby by using the back sleep position, avoiding soft surfaces or loose covers, and moving the bed or furniture away from the wall to prevent the baby from becoming trapped. Make sure your baby’s head remains uncovered during sleep.

Make sure the baby sleeps on a mattress that is firm. The baby’s face can get stuck in soft bedding and she might not be able to breathe.

If you choose to bed-share routinely you should consider removing the mattress and placing it on the floor in the middle of the room, thereby helping to prevent the baby from falling or becoming trapped.


It also gives me the willies to think of a child sharing our marital bed. Who knows what kind of yuck is around there... I certainly don't change my sheets every single day. Not to mention, I wouldn't be able to leave my child unattended in that wide open space and enjoy myself on the floor in the other room.

Not unless there were protective rails, and the bed was pretty much stripped...
I watched an episode of HBOs Autopsy- Ask Dr. Baden where it was determined after going over all the evidence a woman was responsible for 3 of her infants accidental deaths without even being aware when it was happening.
She was such a heavy sleeper, she had either rolled, or hadn't heard the babies smothering in the blankets. She was devastated and he explained to her, it is one of the most common factors in infant death.

Even more so years ago, before the crib was invented.

[Emmsmom]

Well I won't argue with you on this point. Not sure if you have children but before I had a baby I thought the very same thing as far as the dangers. As far as the "Yuck" in the bed. Well to be honest that is just plain nasty and I can assure you that "Yuck" was never in my bed. When you have a baby you ahve to make sure everything in the house is clean. I only posted to let Haley know from one Mom to another that she was not alone in her beliefs. As far as enjoying myself on the floor and leaving her unattended.... Not sure what you are trying to imply and I really don't care. My child grew up very healthy and very independent. If I could go back in time I wouldn't have changed a thing.

If you look at this link you will see that many other doctors will disagree with you.

http://www.breastfeeding.com/reading..._slepping.html

In his book on Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, pediatrician William Sears cites co-sleeping as a proactive measure parents can take to reduce the risk of this tragedy. McKenna's research shows that babies who sleep with parents spend less time in Level III sleep, a state of deep sleep when the risk of apneas are increased. Further, co-sleeping babies learn to imitate healthy breathing patterns from their bunkmates

[pope1982]

I wasn't trying to offend you, though it looks as though it's a little too late.
I am sorry if I chose the wrong wording. I wasn't implying anything, other than I am a worrier and I would have a hard time relaxing a room or two away knowing the drop from the bed to the floor. Just my take on parenting is all.

Doctors have been known to give bad advice. I have heard it is good for bonding, heart beats etc...There is a time for bonding, but what the hell bonding are you doing in your sleep? I would rather wrap my arms around the man I love with our baby bed side than be up all night worrying if the baby is alright, where is the baby, don't wake the baby etc. Plus I wouldn't want to develop any habits. I have seen enough of my siblings mistakes in parenting through observing to know that the parents create some of the problems for the kids because they have problems letting go and assuming the role of disciplinarian rather than friend.
And your relationship with your husband is supposed to be kept healthy as an example to your children. Boundaries need to be set.

And as far as yuck in the bed being nasty, that "yuck" is what made your child.
I just don't want to chance my kid, or anyone else climbing in our bed. And have you ever seen them use black lights in motel rooms? Human waste is EVERYWHERE.

I appreciate the lesson on parenting, and no I don't have my own kids as of today, but I am also not clueless as to how cleanly the house needs to be. I have 7 nieces and nephews in my care since I was about 13 years old.

Sorry, I still don't think the marital bed is any place for a child.
Like you said, we can't all agree but thanks for the condescending tone though it didn't sway my opinion in the least... I was starting to forget what it felt like to be unwelcome here because of voicing an opinion same as everyone else is allowed to do.

Cripe.

[jrsygal37]

Haley. From your posts and from personal experience it really seems like your husband wants out of the marriage. When a woman or man leaves the bed and starts sleeping on the couch or in a chair that is a very very bad sign. I can almost guarantee that it has something to do with someone else being in the picture. That is from my own personal experience. Also, the fact that he is trying to avoid you by drinking and staying away in a different part of the house. My first bit of advice to you is to not lower yourself looking to have sex with him. My second bit of advice is to figure out if he's worth the effort and if he is then you really need to sit with him, tell him you love him and ask if he wants to try and work things out. If he's not worth the effort then I'd start living my own life. Build your own happiness with your son and cut him loose. Elaine

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by jrsygal37

Haley. From your posts and from personal experience it really seems like your husband wants out of the marriage. When a woman or man leaves the bed and starts sleeping on the couch or in a chair that is a very very bad sign. I can almost guarantee that it has something to do with someone else being in the picture. That is from my own personal experience. Also, the fact that he is trying to avoid you by drinking and staying away in a different part of the house. My first bit of advice to you is to not lower yourself looking to have sex with him. My second bit of advice is to figure out if he's worth the effort and if he is then you really need to sit with him, tell him you love him and ask if he wants to try and work things out. If he's not worth the effort then I'd start living my own life. Build your own happiness with your son and cut him loose. Elaine

Elaine, i do believe you are right on this one, we both are unhappy. The only thing keeping us together right now is Micah.. Just like this weekend My family and i are planning on going to Kennywood for the day, i asked him if he was going and he said well see, even my mother asked whats wrong with him, she asked if we did anything together at all and sadly i said No...

[Emmsmom]

There is nothing wrong with voicing an opinion. Nothing at all. It is how you go about doing that. I didn't need to be given a lesson on the risks of co-sleeping. I was well aware of what some of the "experts" have to say. You made it seem as if co-sleeping with a baby was as nasty as it comes as well as very dirty on some level. That is what I took offense to. It might not be your cup of tea and thats fine but please don't try to make me feel as I was breaking some cardinal rule. Every family is different and every family raises their children in a different way.

[AngieDoogles]

Originally Posted by Emmsmom

There is nothing wrong with voicing an opinion. Nothing at all. It is how you go about doing that. I didn't need to be given a lesson on the risks of co-sleeping. I was well aware of what some of the "experts" have to say. You made it seem as if co-sleeping with a baby was as nasty as it comes as well as very dirty on some level. That is what I took offense to. It might not be your cup of tea and thats fine but please don't try to make me feel as I was breaking some cardinal rule. Every family is different and every family raises their children in a different way.

I don't think it was/is wrong to post information that could be helpful to the OP in her current situation. That's what this board is all about, right?

Parenting is a subject that no two people are ever going to agree on every aspect, but that doesn't mean it's wrong to post your thoughts and opinions and back it up.