favoritism

[magnolia]

Originally Posted by hle_625

This is a very touchy subject for me bc Im going through it right now but in a different way then you are explaining. (this could be long)

Ive been with my hubby for a total of 5 1/2 years and weve been married for a little over a year. Well last year around christmas time, my brother in law met this girl...my bil is 23 and she was 19 at the time. Well she had a little girl already that was 1 at the time but she is now 2. Well Amber (my bil's girlfriend) ended up getting pregnant just shortly after they started dating. Well me and my hubby dont have children yet (we are only 21) so this will be the first grandbaby on my husbands side of the family. Well I have noticed a HUGE change in my mother in law since she found out that she was going to be a grandma for the first time.

Let me go back to when Amber found out that she was first pregnant. They were at MY house and she told me that her and Kevin were goign to have a baby, and how she is soooo excited bc this will be the first grandbaby for his side of the family, and the first grandbaby is the most important That really hurt my feelings bc here I've been with my hubby for this long and been a part of his family for this long and now this girl just steps in! Needless to say its been a LONG seven months (shes due in November) All I hear about is the baby this and the baby that. And everyone is buying all of this stuff for her bc she quit her job when she found out she was pregnant bc she wants to be a stay at home mom. And now my inlaws are constantly asking me and my hubby when we are going to give them a grandbaby! Its so frustrating....we are so young and have a very long time to think about babies!

Also last Sunday we were at my inlaws house and my mother in law bought them a stroller/carseat combo and they were putting it together. Well my mother in law told my brother in law that when they were done using it for their baby, to make sure to keep it so that I could have when I have a baby someday!!! I almost cried bc here she is spending 100's of dollars on the "first" grandbaby and she is already talking about giving me nothing but hand me downs. Dont get me wrong I dont think there is anything wrong with hand me downs I just think its unfair for her to be treating me like this when I dont even have kids yet.

Ok and one more thing....(sorry its so long I told you this was a touchy subject for me) When me and Adam got married his family did not give me one bridal shower or a bachelorette party or anything of that sort. And now they are giving Amber this really nice baby shower next weekend. My feelings are so hurt over this and I'm not going to the baby shower bc of this reason! I have cried and cried over this whole situation. Will you guys tell me if I am being selfish about all of this. Im really hurt about it all

Heather,

I have typed and erased 4 seperate times and I'm hoping this won't be #5! Do I think you're being selfish? No, I don't at all. You have had this baby "thrown" in your face since it was first announced she was pregnant - she's "bragged and boasted" about this being the first grandchild, in-laws are bending over backwards to help her and do things for her, while you are sitting on the sidelines watching. Have the tried to include you in anything during the pregnancy other than to ask when you were having one? Maybe if they had been more thoughtful and included you in things, you might not feel as you do right now. And maybe, just maybe, your heart is speaking to you that the relationship may not last another year or two despite the fact they will have a child to link them together for the rest of their lives. If they split, she'll take the child with her and could very possibly make it difficult for the father and the in-laws to see him/her. I'm just guessing and having rambling thoughts on the situation. I do not blame you at all for your feelings. As for hand-me-downs, no one wants ALL hand-me-downs with their first baby, whether it's the 2nd grandchild or the 10th - you do want some new things for the new baby! Even though I kept all of TJ's clothes in case we had another boy (which we did), I still bought new outfits and toys for Taylor. You deserve nothing less when the time comes that you and your husband decide to start a family. And the decision on when to start is between the two of you, no one else. Trust me - enjoy life together as husband and wife, do things the two of you want to do, go places together, or just enjoy being with one another before you have kids - kids are a life changing addition to the family and you need to enter that phase of your life ready and with no regrets for not having done things as a couple before the baby arrived.

Gosh, I hope this rambling I've done makes some sort of sense!!!!

[hle_625]

Originally Posted by magnolia

Heather,

I have typed and erased 4 seperate times and I'm hoping this won't be #5! Do I think you're being selfish? No, I don't at all. You have had this baby "thrown" in your face since it was first announced she was pregnant - she's "bragged and boasted" about this being the first grandchild, in-laws are bending over backwards to help her and do things for her, while you are sitting on the sidelines watching. Have the tried to include you in anything during the pregnancy other than to ask when you were having one? Maybe if they had been more thoughtful and included you in things, you might not feel as you do right now. And maybe, just maybe, your heart is speaking to you that the relationship may not last another year or two despite the fact they will have a child to link them together for the rest of their lives. If they split, she'll take the child with her and could very possibly make it difficult for the father and the in-laws to see him/her. I'm just guessing and having rambling thoughts on the situation. I do not blame you at all for your feelings. As for hand-me-downs, no one wants ALL hand-me-downs with their first baby, whether it's the 2nd grandchild or the 10th - you do want some new things for the new baby! Even though I kept all of TJ's clothes in case we had another boy (which we did), I still bought new outfits and toys for Taylor. You deserve nothing less when the time comes that you and your husband decide to start a family. And the decision on when to start is between the two of you, no one else. Trust me - enjoy life together as husband and wife, do things the two of you want to do, go places together, or just enjoy being with one another before you have kids - kids are a life changing addition to the family and you need to enter that phase of your life ready and with no regrets for not having done things as a couple before the baby arrived.

Gosh, I hope this rambling I've done makes some sort of sense!!!!

Thank you so much for your response you have hit alot of things right on! This girl does not, and I repeat does not take care of her child that she has now, she just wants someone to take care of her and her baby and unfortunatly my BIL got trapped into this! All my inlaws do is talk constantly about this baby and I understand that they are excited but I have had enough of it! Amber is going to let anyone and everyone in that birthing room when this baby is born, infact my sister in law is going to cut the babies cord so....they all keep saying to me that when I have a baby they all better get to be in my birthing room too. So its put alot of pressure on my part! And I dont even have kids yet. And my mother in law got to go to the first ultrasound and you are only allowed to have 2 people in there. So it was Kevin (my brother in law) and my mother in law in there bc her mom couldnt attend. So the first thing my mother in law said to me was I better get to go to your ultrasound when you have a baby! Well what about my mom??? She will want to be there. I could go on and on but I will stop boring you guys!

I dont think they will be together for much longer, shes already left him twice and came back. She doesnt know what she wants!

[magnolia]

Originally Posted by hle_625

Thank you so much for your response you have hit alot of things right on! This girl does not, and I repeat does not take care of her child that she has now, she just wants someone to take care of her and her baby and unfortunatly my BIL got trapped into this! All my inlaws do is talk constantly about this baby and I understand that they are excited but I have had enough of it! Amber is going to let anyone and everyone in that birthing room when this baby is born, infact my sister in law is going to cut the babies cord so....they all keep saying to me that when I have a baby they all better get to be in my birthing room too. So its put alot of pressure on my part! And I dont even have kids yet. And my mother in law got to go to the first ultrasound and you are only allowed to have 2 people in there. So it was Kevin (my brother in law) and my mother in law in there bc her mom couldnt attend. So the first thing my mother in law said to me was I better get to go to your ultrasound when you have a baby! Well what about my mom??? She will want to be there. I could go on and on but I will stop boring you guys!

I dont think they will be together for much longer, shes already left him twice and came back. She doesnt know what she wants!

Oh Heather, the more I hear of this, the more my heart aches for you and what you are going through. First of all, pregnancy is a special bond between husband and wife (or father and mother, if not married) and their unborn child. The baby will be shared with the entire family when he/she is born but before then, the pregnancy, in my opinion, is shared between the happy couple. When I had TJ, I never gave it one thought about asking my MIL to go with us (my mom lived 3 hours away at the time) - it was just hubby and I. The day I was being put in the hospital to have labor induced with him, my MIL called wanting to check on me and I told a white lie and said I was fine (was actually waiting on hubby to get home so we could go to the hospital). And when delivery time came - I wanted no one in there but Sam. Now, before things got down to the "nitty gritty" of delivery, my mom was in there, my MIL was in there, and other family and friends were coming in but when it got to the actual delivery, I wanted everyone out - to me, the birth of a child is a special bond between the parents - at least that's my opinion on the matter. And when you decide the time is right to have kids, lay the ground rules down - you and your husband will go to your doctor visits and ultrasound visits only unless he can't go and you ask someone else to go. As for labor time, if the hospital allows it, you can have as many in the room with you while you are progressing through labor but, a piece of advice, let your doctor and the staff at the hospital know ahead of time that you only want your husband in there with you - they'll be the "bad guys" and run everyone out Just stick to your "guns" and don't let anyone try to push you in a direction you aren't comfortable with, be that associating with Amber or having a child of your own! And if you need me to come kick some butt, just say the word!

[Janet]

Originally Posted by magnolia

Heather,

I have typed and erased 4 seperate times and I'm hoping this won't be #5! Do I think you're being selfish? No, I don't at all. You have had this baby "thrown" in your face since it was first announced she was pregnant - she's "bragged and boasted" about this being the first grandchild, in-laws are bending over backwards to help her and do things for her, while you are sitting on the sidelines watching. Have the tried to include you in anything during the pregnancy other than to ask when you were having one? Maybe if they had been more thoughtful and included you in things, you might not feel as you do right now. And maybe, just maybe, your heart is speaking to you that the relationship may not last another year or two despite the fact they will have a child to link them together for the rest of their lives. If they split, she'll take the child with her and could very possibly make it difficult for the father and the in-laws to see him/her. I'm just guessing and having rambling thoughts on the situation. I do not blame you at all for your feelings. As for hand-me-downs, no one wants ALL hand-me-downs with their first baby, whether it's the 2nd grandchild or the 10th - you do want some new things for the new baby! Even though I kept all of TJ's clothes in case we had another boy (which we did), I still bought new outfits and toys for Taylor. You deserve nothing less when the time comes that you and your husband decide to start a family. And the decision on when to start is between the two of you, no one else. Trust me - enjoy life together as husband and wife, do things the two of you want to do, go places together, or just enjoy being with one another before you have kids - kids are a life changing addition to the family and you need to enter that phase of your life ready and with no regrets for not having done things as a couple before the baby arrived.

Gosh, I hope this rambling I've done makes some sort of sense!!!!

WOW, that's some great advice.....

[DianaB]

My MIL has her favorites too. It's very hurtful for my children. They're not very close to her at all and she just lives down the road from all of us. She has 2 daughters and 3 sons. The daughters all live away from her (one in a different state) and the sons all live very close by. Her favorites are her daughter's children. I used to have a problem with it but I decided that she is the one who is missing out on my children's lives.

She even told me this about one of her little grandsons... that there "has never been a child loved as much as he is!!" My mouth dropped open and I know that she saw the expression on my face! Of course she started trying to make things better, but it was too late. He is a darling little boy and a joy to be around, but to actually let something like this actually be said was pretty tacky, in my opinion. I have 5 grandchildren and would NEVER treat any one any differently than the others!!!

My MIL has several issues in her life that I don't agree with. I've learned to keep my distance and to not hold on to any hurtful things that she does. As I said, I know that she's the one that's missing out and someday she's going to regret it.

[2tiredmom]

That's happened in our family. One of my husbands sisters passed away a few years ago and left 2 girls under the age of 3. Needless to say they got everything. That's ok. But now they are 14 and 12 and are spoiled little brats.
They talk back and bad mouth everyone. But Grandma still thinks they are little angels. We just stay away and only get together with them when we have to.

[Janet]

Originally Posted by 2tiredmom

That's happened in our family. One of my husbands sisters passed away a few years ago and left 2 girls under the age of 3. Needless to say they got everything. That's ok. But now they are 14 and 12 and are spoiled little brats.
They talk back and bad mouth everyone. But Grandma still thinks they are little angels. We just stay away and only get together with them when we have to.

I can't believe they are that old already.

[Willow]

We deal with the favoritism too, only instead of my mom favoring one of my kids, she actually favors my cousins kids. My mom is always babysitting for my cousin if she has a doctors appointment or if she just needs "time alone". My cousin is expecting baby #6 and it is a very high risk pregnancy and she has a control freak husband who will only trust my mom to watch their kids. So everytime they need a sitter, they call my mom. My mom never tells them no. My mom seems to forget that my cousins kids aren't her grandkids. She plays the grandma role for my cousins kids more than she does mine.

Now my Aunt, who is the real grandma, comes down on occassion to see her grandkids and she always makes a point of visiting us too. My cousin used to live 5 miles away...she has since moved...but my mom would be at her house everyday to visit and when she got home she would call me and say, "Oh I just got back from Amberly's. She needed someone to talk to."

My mom is there for my cousin in everyway possible, which usually means she is unavailable to me. We will call and invite them over or ask them if they could keep the kids so we can go out and have a "date night" but it is usually, "We have Amberly's kids right now" or "well I promised Amberly I would come over." Then once when my hubby and I were having some issues my mom said "you guys should make time for yourselves without the kids around. Go on a datenight or something." I told her "we would like to, but we can't afford a sitter for 4 kids and you're always watching Amberly's kids so it makes it hard to have a datenight without a sitter." Her reply was "That's true."

Last year my daughter was crowned Princess of our local fall festival. We were so proud of her! Immediately after her crowning my parents took off for my cousins house. They didn't even congratulate her. I figured they watched her crowning, that was better than nothing, but Katie was hurt that they didn't stick around and celebrate with her. My Aunt did though! She took the kids down to play games and win prizes and bought them funnel cake.

I will never understand WHY people have favorites.

[Willow]

oh and I should add, my cousin and her husband bought a house one block away from my mother so they see eachother everyday. We live 11 miles away.