Need advice please!!

[donna1990]

Originally Posted by Mandy

How would you ladies handle this??

My son is 17 and going out with this 15 year old.
I have no problem with him having a girlfriend, and I realize everyone has very different personalities, but this is too much for me.
She comes here, doesn’t greet when she walks in, doesn’t talk unless we ask her something.
When my son asks her in front of us, if she would like something to drink its either yes or no she answers with, when she leaves she says, goodbye, and that’s it.
Her parents are divorced and she is living with her father now and his new woman, she doesn’t get along with her mom, and likes to talk about her behind her back.
The stories come back to me via my son.
Her mother has a 24 year old boyfriend, and she doesn’t like the setup, right I do understand that it must be hard for any child to live this life, but the way she treats my DH and myself in our home is something we can never allow.
This has happened too often that she sits laughing and talking to my son, the minute my husband or I walk in she stops talking, and drops her face, and has given me the look for wanting to sit there for 5 minutes to have a smoke (we smoke outside)
We have tried our best to make her feel very welcome in our home, and really, she could have had a good time with us!!!!
I don’t like the sly side of her, there is no need for her to be this way.

Yesterday my parents were here, she walked in and never even greeted my parents, I was so embarrassed!!
We have always told our son to hang around with people who can mean something to him, and never to mix too much with people that drag him down to their level.
Last week I told him that he is too young to have a steady girlfriend, and to go do things with his friends, she is taking up all his spare time.
When she sms’s him, he jumps!!! (although he doesn’t admit it) we have witnessed it many times.
When we go places, he keeps watching the time because she is coming and has to be back in time!
We cant choose their wives or husbands, but darn it he is 17!
Do I forbid him to see her? Do I forbid her to come here? Last thing I want is that he sees her without us knowing about it!

I realize we cant tie them to our apron strings forever, but I sure do want whats best for him, I don’t have a problem with “letting go” but I can not see what he sees in her.
When we ask her what she would like to do in future, oh she doesn’t know, hasn’t thought about it.
Her aducation level is high, but isn’t interested!

Advice and opinions are welcome!!!

Sorry this is so long, but thanks for taking the time to read.

Wow, sounds as if she has some serious issues.
"My thoughts" for what it is worth.
Your son is only 17 and has to live by your rules but if you forbid him to see her, he would find away.
I would try not to pry into her personal life, she acts as of she might be shy around adults, which I can understand with her background.
Will be thinking of you and praying for you.
Hugs,
Donna

[DianaB]

I read this yesterday, Mandy, and then didn't have time to post but I've thought about what I was going to say.

I think that her parents have been so busy taking care of themselves that they've never taken the time to have a relationship with their daughter. There are a lot of kids who don't know how to talk to an adult because adults don't ever pay any attention to them. I see it in kids all the time. It's not that they're shy, it's that adults are very intimidating to them. Try to start some conversations that she can join in to. Ask about a program at school or somthing that she's involved in. You'll probably have to lead with the questions and most of the conversation at first but hopefully as she gets to know you she'll open up.

If you're sure that this really isn't the girl for your son then you need to have a serious conversation with your son and calmly point out why this girl wouldn't work out for him and his future. Be careful because it's really hard to talk against a girlfriend. Also, pray about it. I've spent a lot of time in prayer when one of my kids has dated the wrong person.

I know how you feel about the relationship. We've had some similiar issues with Jaci and her boyfriend. I don't mind the boyfriend but I want her to also enjoy her high school years and her friends.

Good luck and keep us posted!!

[judy]

I agree with Janet about discussing your feelings about how she treats you with your son. You might also want to sit down with her in a quiet place, and with the utmost compassion and tact, try to let her know that she is in a safe place and that she can let down her guard in your home. I wouldn't come out and say it that way, but I would make it my message.

It does sound as if she is having a very rough time, and probably can't be comfortable and enjoy herself freely. I wouldn't take it personally if I were you Mandy. If you can, you might want to try to find some compassion or soft feelings for her. It sounds as if her parents have abandoned her for their own needs. Her Mom is with a 24 year old. That's scary for a 15 year old girl.
She's probably clinging to your son for comfort.

I also wouldn't forbid the relationship - that could backfire. My daughter snuck around with her "forbidden" boyfriend for several years when she was young.
I changed it around, and welcomed him in my home, had him over for dinner, etc. Four months later, she broke up with him!

If she does remain in so much angst after a while, you might drop a lot of hints to your son. Boys are usually very easy to persuade.

[Mandy]

Thanks bunches girls, you all have helped more than you know!!
I am going to use the advice ya'll gave me and have a chat with my son, and her seperatly.
Ive been thinking about what you girls said, and yes she probably does feel abandoned by her parents, specially her mom.

She has often had meals with us, and we have allowed her to sleep over (in seperate rooms) we honestly have tried to show her warmth and cosyness of a close family, at times she has spoken to me yabbering away, and the next time she closes up again.
Yes, she does have problems showing feelings and expressing herself freely, that i have noticed a few times.
In one way i feel bad for her, the other side of me is kind of lost as to what to do say or think and feel about this whole situation.

It's a challenge!!

Please cross fingers for me, and say a little prayer

[judy]

Originally Posted by Mandy

Thanks bunches girls, you all have helped more than you know!!
I am going to use the advice ya'll gave me and have a chat with my son, and her seperatly.
Ive been thinking about what you girls said, and yes she probably does feel abandoned by her parents, specially her mom.

She has often had meals with us, and we have allowed her to sleep over (in seperate rooms) we honestly have tried to show her warmth and cosyness of a close family, at times she has spoken to me yabbering away, and the next time she closes up again.
Yes, she does have problems showing feelings and expressing herself freely, that i have noticed a few times.
In one way i feel bad for her, the other side of me is kind of lost as to what to do say or think and feel about this whole situation.

It's a challenge!!

Please cross fingers for me, and say a little prayer

It sounds like you're doing all you can. I always figure that if what you do is from the heart, it's usually the best thing to do.

[Gina]

Mandy,

Diana has hit it on the nail the girl has had bad examples growing up and doesn't know any better. How could she when her mother sets no examples by dating a 24 yr. old. She is also at the age where girls hate their moms not really but they start rebelling in her case she has no real relationship with her.The poor child is hurting terribly. Does she go to therapy or have someone who talks to her ? She probably is shy too. You are threading water here, the wonderful ladies all have given you great input. I can only reiterate what most have said.


When she comes over say hello to her first , show her examples of proper etiquette along with reinforcement from your son for he knows how you and his dad feel about this. By staying over your home she will learn by example how a family life is suppose to be. The more you tell him you don't like her , he will rebel and continue to date her.. Set rules in your home , he is young . My son is 24 yrs old. I like his girlfriend a lot but I don't really approve of them staying in his room watching tv with the door closed. I expressed my feelings but it is a losing battle. Some may say it is your home, yes but I have no say in it. trust me I have tried .I do forbid her to sleep over no sleep overs.

Your son is young and should not have a steady in my opinion . He should be going out with lots of friends. It is hard for them to understand at this age. I have issues with my daughter and am stressing over her, that's another story lol one day when I am not busy I will post.

As they say this too shall pass, unfortunately like ourselves you learn as you mature. Speaking until you are blue in the face will not matter.. He has to find out for himself. I do believe when raising children get to know their friends. Mandy dear guide him , talk to him and pray for the best. I am sure your values are instilled in him by this age. So don't stress out to much.. Just be there and talk , talk , talk... lol... Hugs oxoxo

[gja1000]

I don't have any good advice at all - the ladies here have given you great advice, imho!

My concern would be her home situation. If mom has a 24 year old bf - is that bf "staying over"? If so, I wonder what is happening during those "sleep overs". Does the 15 year old feel safe? Is she safe? I would wonder if anything has already happened to her. Recently on one of the Yorkie boards, there was an off-topic thread about how "supposedly" good friends or bosses, committed rape - the initiating scenario was a 15 year old daughter of the person posting. So, my mind automatically goes to wondering if she is safe in a situation with mom's 24 year old bf.

I know, I know, I'm thinking the worst, which probably isn't true, but in my profession, we see the worst, so it is always in the back of my mind.