Used, abused and totally taken for granted

[red98vett]

GOOD LUCK !! Man you need it ...

I kept thinking about that old commercial - CALGON TAKE ME AWAY and YOU are a perfect candidate for some time OFF. I hope your family comes to their senses and startes pitching in -

The cycle of life is pretty weird - by the time our kids really appreciate all we've done - they have their OWN kids and we end up doing it all over again with the grandkids.....

Hope your talk works - if anyone needs a break - it's you.

[Tink]

My daughter came by today, washed her clothes, packed them up and left.
She claims I expect her to do too much and she's not going to help clean the house, so won't be coming back. She said she will stay with friends until she's able to get a place. She apologized for treating me so nastily but tried to justify it by saying she's depressed over her friends death, and so on. It's seriously been going on long before he died, but I didn't argue with her.

She was particularly angry that I told her I didn't want her sleeping on the sofa in the living room anymore. She has given away 2 beds... so right now has none... so I explained that's not my fault and she can sleep on her inflatable mattress or featherbed in her room until she's able to get another bed. She thinks I'm being totally unreasonable. She has no clue how frustrating it is to never be able to use your own living room because she's sprawled out on the couch.

I wish she'd have reacted differently, but she made the choice to leave, so now I hope she's able to make a go of it. I am also glad I didn't kick her out... but gave her options on how she could stay. At least this way it was her choice. I guess I'll be surprised if she doesn't come back in a couple weeks, but again, if she does, she's going to have to agree to living differently than she has been.

My son hasn't done much today, but has no desire to move out, so I'm going to have to get on his case more. It's hard to get him to do anything, but it's also important (for both our sakes) that he does.

[Tink]

I had a good long talk with my husband tonight.
Amazingly he agreed with me on most of what I've been thinking. He too is very frustrated with the way the kids have gotten to be. He is more afraid of them being angry with us for standing our ground, but he agrees that we do need to do something.

I showed him the email I sent, and their responses back to me. He was NOT happy with their part in it or the part where I said if he sided with them he could also leave with them. But he cooled down toward me after I explained.

So anyway, for tonight, we're ont he same page about this. Here's hoping it stays this way.

[Janet]

Originally Posted by Tink

My daughter came by today, washed her clothes, packed them up and left.
She claims I expect her to do too much and she's not going to help clean the house, so won't be coming back. She said she will stay with friends until she's able to get a place. She apologized for treating me so nastily but tried to justify it by saying she's depressed over her friends death, and so on. It's seriously been going on long before he died, but I didn't argue with her.

She was particularly angry that I told her I didn't want her sleeping on the sofa in the living room anymore. She has given away 2 beds... so right now has none... so I explained that's not my fault and she can sleep on her inflatable mattress or featherbed in her room until she's able to get another bed. She thinks I'm being totally unreasonable. She has no clue how frustrating it is to never be able to use your own living room because she's sprawled out on the couch.

I wish she'd have reacted differently, but she made the choice to leave, so now I hope she's able to make a go of it. I am also glad I didn't kick her out... but gave her options on how she could stay. At least this way it was her choice. I guess I'll be surprised if she doesn't come back in a couple weeks, but again, if she does, she's going to have to agree to living differently than she has been.

My son hasn't done much today, but has no desire to move out, so I'm going to have to get on his case more. It's hard to get him to do anything, but it's also important (for both our sakes) that he does.

Sorry she felt she had to leave Tink, but I can't believe she was living rent free, grocery free and didn't think she should help clean the house. I think alot of kids want to find an excuse instead of taking the blame for their own actions. A death can belt us quite a blow, but you said she was that way before.

You are not being unreasonable by any means. She's lucky she didn't have me for a mother....I expect a lot and if I don't get it, there are consequences. I've always told my son "Yes I expect a lot, but never too much."

You're right it was her choice. If she doesn't help her friends...then they may end up telling her the same thing you did. I'm glad you're planning on sticking to your rules IF she decides to come back. And she should know this before she does, if she does.

Sometimes, guys just don't have a clue. If I want stuff done around here, especially my husband more than my son...all I have to do is write it down and hand him the list. It gets done then, but I can't expect him to know, to some guys certain things just don't really matter as much to them as it does us. So you just may have to leave him a daily list and tell him when you want them done and what the consequences are if they aren't.

It sounds like you are doing the right things Tink, this is just her way of not letting you control her. She'll realize one day that it's "your" house and you do control it.
You're being a good Mom, Tink....don't let anyone tell you different!

[Janet]

Originally Posted by Tink

I had a good long talk with my husband tonight.
Amazingly he agreed with me on most of what I've been thinking. He too is very frustrated with the way the kids have gotten to be. He is more afraid of them being angry with us for standing our ground, but he agrees that we do need to do something.

I showed him the email I sent, and their responses back to me. He was NOT happy with their part in it or the part where I said if he sided with them he could also leave with them. But he cooled down toward me after I explained.

So anyway, for tonight, we're ont he same page about this. Here's hoping it stays this way.

My husband is like that too with our son. He doesn't want him mad at him. I say "too bad." I have a responsiblity to God to raise him the best I can with what I know. I won't break that promise because my son might get mad at me. It takes more energy, physical and emotional to be angry than it does to be happy.

I'm glad you two were able to talk. It's a first step. Just keep the lines of communication open with your husband and tell him at the first sign of more frustration instead of waiting on it to build. I've been saying a prayer for you nightly and I wish you the best. It'll happen....I'm sure of it.

[khardy57]

I'm so glad you were to talk openly with your hubby. Sometimes all it takes is to clear the air and it sounds like the two of you did that.

I'm sorry about your daughter, but sometimes they just have to sink or swim. I eloped and left home at 16 and boy did I have an eye opening experience. But, I've done well and on sheer determination. Your daughter obviously has a mother who loves and cares about her. You just want the best for your children and it's frustrating to know that they don't want the best for themselves. She'll either make it, or she'll come home with a deeper appreciation of all you do for her. This goes for your son too. You'll probably have to yank his chain a little harder, though.

The problem you're having makes me think of my aunt and her four children. They were handed everything and raised with maids who did everything for them. She finally got tired of it all and as each one graduated, she gave them options:


They could go to college - all espenses paid
They could get married (which was just stupid)
They could join the military

Two of the boys joined the army. The youngest was sent to military school, and the daughter got married.

Even after this, she was constantly having to bail each one out of one financial disaster after another. When she became ill, she didn't call her children, she made her husband bring her to my mother's house. My mom asked me to come over and see what I thought was going on and I took one look and we took her to the ER.

Both she and my uncle told us not to call the kids. They didn't want them to "worry" . Well, when my aunt was transferred to another hospital by ambulance, my sisters and I called her kids and they couldn't be bothered to come. The daughter (in another state) asked "If it was your mother would you come"? Well, hell yes! Put your butt on a plane and get here.

Bottom line, my aunt died 2 weeks later with none of her kids there. My mom and dad, me, my sister, and my uncle were there - but none of her kids. And to this day - none of her kids will call my Mother or answer e-mail.

You don't want this to happen to you Tink - so stick to your guns!!!!!