Just Not Going To Work!

[Tink]

Janet, I don't think you're bad at all. Some people simply aren't good for us! It's not healthy to keep making ourselves unhappy by trying to deal with them when they have no interest in working with us on it.

HUGS and keep your chin up. You're still TOPS in my book.

[Marilyn]

Awww, ((((((Janet)))))), so sorry that this is happening to you. I think sometimes people, especially older people just get frustrated with it all and lash out. Their family is the biggest target because they think they can get away with it, and perhaps get some sympathy, but it hurts even more when it comes from your mother.

You are a wonderful, caring person!!!!!

[Janet]

Thank you Tink and Marilyn. I just feel so awful that things are the way they are. The thing of it is I know in my heart of hearts that part of it is my fault too. I know how she is and I always have this wall up...just in case and she never fails me. She always says something in a hurtful way. Sometimes it's not the words she says, but the hateful way she says them. She's 83, I'm 51, we've never been really close, but I always thought and wanted it to be better.

This probably sounds awful..but I'm afraid if I can't make it better that when she does pass on...I'm going to have so many regrets for not trying harder. It's just that if you give her an inch, she tries to take more and it just never stops. If I was to deny her..she gets angry and says no one cares...well how can they? When all she wants to do is take from them?

I didn't have time to take her home first before taking my son to the ball game, so I let him drive so he could "show off" in front of Grandma. It was the first time she had ever rode with him. She didn't say anything...not "good job" not "you're a fine driver"...nothing. She only wants to recieve compliments, never give them out.

Look at this....all I wanted to do was thank you two for being so compassionate to my situation, but here it is morning now...and I'm still upset and writing a book.

[red98vett]

oh wow....Moms and daughters can be so complicated. My cousin went thru similar with her mom and her mom DID pass away 2 months ago - she's going thru hell now because she feels she didn't show her enough at the end....All I can say is try to put the past behind you as she is up in years. She's your mom and she isn't going to change at this point....but it MAY affect you later and for that reason alone I'd say try to just overcome those hard feelings.....

I'm really close to my mom and can't imagine what you're going thru - I know talk is easy from my end but we only have our parents for so long then we're on our own.....I dread the day I get that call about either of mine and being that they're both 78 ...it's very near.

Sorry things aren't better for you and hugs to you - I'm sure you do your best and that's all we can do

[Janet]

Originally Posted by red98vett

oh wow....Moms and daughters can be so complicated. My cousin went thru similar with her mom and her mom DID pass away 2 months ago - she's going thru hell now because she feels she didn't show her enough at the end....All I can say is try to put the past behind you as she is up in years. She's your mom and she isn't going to change at this point....but it MAY affect you later and for that reason alone I'd say try to just overcome those hard feelings.....

I'm really close to my mom and can't imagine what you're going thru - I know talk is easy from my end but we only have our parents for so long then we're on our own.....I dread the day I get that call about either of mine and being that they're both 78 ...it's very near.

Sorry things aren't better for you and hugs to you - I'm sure you do your best and that's all we can do

Thanks V, I appreciate your advice. I did say I was "done" and really I want to be "done", but I don't think I really am. It's just so hard trying to climb a ladder that never ends. Her health isn't the greatest now anyway...maybe if I try harder...I don't know...I don't think my feelings will change, but maybe if I at least keep trying....I won't have any regrets. I'm just sooo tired....

[DianaB]

My Dad and I had a difficult relationship. I loved him because he was my Dad, but I really didn't like him as a person. I realized that if I wasn't related to him that I probably wouldn't have been friends with him. I tried my best to be a good daughter and tried to always do my best for him, but spending time with him was difficult. He passed away this spring and, yes, I have regrets, but nothing that is really bothering me. When I start thinking about, oh I should have done this or that, I stop and remember how difficult it would have been. There was a reason that I didn't do those things.

You can tell from your post that you love your Mother and are trying to be a good daughter. Just hang in there and enjoy the time that she's in Florida. Parents can be so difficult sometimes.

[Marilyn]

Originally Posted by DianaB

My Dad and I had a difficult relationship. I loved him because he was my Dad, but I really didn't like him as a person. I realized that if I wasn't related to him that I probably wouldn't have been friends with him. I tried my best to be a good daughter and tried to always do my best for him, but spending time with him was difficult. He passed away this spring and, yes, I have regrets, but nothing that is really bothering me. When I start thinking about, oh I should have done this or that, I stop and remember how difficult it would have been. There was a reason that I didn't do those things.

You can tell from your post that you love your Mother and are trying to be a good daughter. Just hang in there and enjoy the time that she's in Florida. Parents can be so difficult sometimes.

Diana was typing while I was, and has good advice also, we have to do the best we can and try to not have regrets. We certainly cannot change the past, so we just try to do our best and realize or limitations. Huggs.

[Marilyn]

Janet, I didn't want to give too much advice so soon after your upset with your Mom, but V is giving you some good advice here. Your mom will not be around that much longer, and if at all possible, you need to take the high road on this one.

My own mother passed away in 2000 and I was her only child, so we went through a lot together, good and bad. Life is not easy. If it were, we would not have a need for God in our lives.

You may wish to read and meditate on 1 Corinthians 13, especially verse 7. http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/...013&version=50

Even though your mom is not showing love as you would like, you can.

Love and hugs to you!!

[red98vett]

Originally Posted by Janet

Thanks V, I appreciate your advice. I did say I was "done" and really I want to be "done", but I don't think I really am. It's just so hard trying to climb a ladder that never ends. Her health isn't the greatest now anyway...maybe if I try harder...I don't know...I don't think my feelings will change, but maybe if I at least keep trying....I won't have any regrets. I'm just sooo tired....

Girl my cousin was just saying the same words to me not 6 months ago....the reason I said what I did is her mom died just 3 weeks ago and I spent Christmas day with her - she broke down 3 times talking about how she regrets her feelings....it was so hard to see - She's the strongest one in my family out of all the girls and she's coping the worst now. I don't want you to go thru that same thing.

HUGS TO YOU - you can only do your best and one thing I learned a long time ago - don't expect much from people & especially family ..... then you won't be dissapointed

[Emmsmom]

Oh man...This really sounds familar. Not to sound harsh but there are some things you just can't get over. I haven't spoken to my mother in almost 10 years. I wish her no harm however, if she was to die it really wouldn't phase me. I "lost" my mother years and years ago. I have not had a "mother" in my life since high school. She spread rumors about me, she lied to me and about me to others, She tried to break up my marriage... These are just a FEW things that I had to go through. The others would take forever to tell you about.

Being around my mother was starting to take its toll on me. I ended up having angina attacks whenever she was around. I have a mild heart proplem and when I was around her the problem only got worse.

I know there is a lot of good advice here... However, YOU have to figure out what is best for YOU. If you want to stick it out and be there for her that is your choice and will be the right one for you. I guess my point is that every situation is very different. Respect is a 2 way street.

Take care ((HUGS))