Not Good News -- Surgery

[Gina]

Janet everyone has pretty much said everything that I feel, Rick will be fine, I am just sorry to hear that no one at work asked , thats sad. Especially when you see these people on a day to day basis and spend more time with them then your own family. I am proud of you, you are being strong and everything will work out great , you will see You have a nice family and I have you all in my prayers... Good luck..

[Forgivenmom5]

I'm so sorry Janet. My prayers are with you and your husband. You can just feel your love for him when you talk about him. That will help you both get through this.

[Janet]

Well last night totally sucked!! After he came home and we finished with supper, I was asking him just what did the Dr. say. He told me of course. Then he said that he told the Dr. there were things he needed to take care of (and can you believe he is sooo concerned about being able to go to Scout Camp this summer) and anyway, I told him IF I were him I would have it done asap so he would be able to enjoy his summer. He's worried about a job, because the Dr told him he wouldn't be able to go back to doing what he does now, so he's worried about the future. I told him there is no reason to worry...that there is nothing you can do about it. That he would find something that would be easier on his back. So do you know what he told me........TO GET OFF HIS BACK!!! I just looked at him and said fine....I would never ask him about it again. That if he was going to wait...not to complain about it, because I didn't want to hear it.

If you all knew what I was really feeling now you'd be so ashamed of me. I'm ashamed of myself...so I guess I'll have a 'poor me pity party' for a little while and then get on with the days tasks.

[Mandy]

Janet, i honestly dont think he means to be rude or mean to you, i think hes so nervous about the surgery that he doesnt quite know how to express himself. He knows it has to be done, and will do just about anything to delay it.

[Tink]

I'm sorry he's lashing out at you over this Janet. It is usually the ones we are closest to and know will forgive us that we do that to, but it stinks.

You've offered your support, so if you're now feeling like kicking his butt, that's ok too. (as long as you don't actually do it)

My hubby was told that he wouldn't be able to drive truck after his back injury either, and he's been back at it for a year with no problem. So drs really don't know it all. No one will know for sure if he can go back to work until he's had the surgery and PT following it. I'd tell him to use some of that "attitude" to get through what needs to be done and then see where he's at. Men just can't stand the idea of being laid up. ;(

[Janet]

Originally Posted by Tink

I'm sorry he's lashing out at you over this Janet. It is usually the ones we are closest to and know will forgive us that we do that to, but it stinks.

You've offered your support, so if you're now feeling like kicking his butt, that's ok too. (as long as you don't actually do it)

My hubby was told that he wouldn't be able to drive truck after his back injury either, and he's been back at it for a year with no problem. So drs really don't know it all. No one will know for sure if he can go back to work until he's had the surgery and PT following it. I'd tell him to use some of that "attitude" to get through what needs to be done and then see where he's at. Men just can't stand the idea of being laid up. ;(

I really don't think he'll be able to do the auto body repair after the surgery. He's on hard concrete all day, bending, stooping in all kinds of positions, carrying fenders, bumpers etc.. I just don't think he'll be able to do it without it causing problems.

He's really worried about it how he's gonna support the family, but there are other things out there besides body work. Rick is very selfish when it comes to money...he has to have his stash and knows that he probably won't be able to in another job. I don't know....I'm just tired of it all already, especially with his attitude. We've made it before, we'll make it again..so why worry, but he will until he drives everybody nuts.

Also, I haven't said anything since my last post about his drinking.....well the other day I checked his car and there were empty beer cans under the seat, the empty cardboard cases folded up under the other seat, a white bucket in the very back with empty beer cans in it and a small cooler with 6 unopened beers in it. So that is telling me he lied again about his drinking and is obviously driving while doing it.

It really hard to care for an obvious alcoholic and a liar. Two things I just won't stand for. My sister was married to an alcoholic and I won't do it!!!! It will either stop or he's gone....I'll wait till after his surgery, because I won't be bringing him something to drink..and see how he does, if it starts up again...I'm through!

[Tink]

Janet, I'm sorry he's drinking so much. I wouldn't be able to live with that either. I've known enough alcoholics to realize I don't have the temperment to live with one.

My prayers continue for your family. I hope things go much better than you expect them to.

HUGS

[AngieDoogles]

Janet, I'm so sorry that he has turned to drinking. That must be such a hard position for you to be in. You are so strong though and I know that you and your hubby will make it through this, even though it will not be easy. He seems to be SO stressed and worried about the surgery, maybe after it's over he will be back to his normal self again...or even better! Having you take care of him and spending lots of time together may bring the two of you closer than you've ever been before. He is very lucky to have you and I'm sorry that for the moment he has forgotten that. *HUGS*

[Chandra Amaya]

Originally Posted by Mandy

Janet, i honestly dont think he means to be rude or mean to you, i think hes so nervous about the surgery that he doesnt quite know how to express himself. He knows it has to be done, and will do just about anything to delay it.

I completely agree. There are stages a person goes through with any loss. Loss doesn't have to be a person, his surgery is still a loss.. of his health, his career.

anyway, the first is denial. This you have seen for years from him. "It will get better" or "I'll be fine"
The second is anger. Whether he realizes it or not he is angry. "why did this have to happen to me?" "why can't I just deal with it?". you become angry at yourself, the world & everyone asround you feels it.

the third is bargaining this is where he says "If I can just do this first I'll have the surgery" or "If I can just make it through this I'll start going to the doctor more"

The fourth is depression. This is where he will think it is pointless if it won't help him to continue his career.

The fifth stage is acceptance. This is where he will finally know it has to be done. He will still be afraid but he will go through with it & stop being angry & depressed.

I know this all sounds very Shrink like. I'm sorry. I studied this in both nursing school & psychology class. I have seen it many times working in nursing homes & hospitals. I thought it may help to know it IS NOT YOU & that everything he is going through is normal reactions.

[Janet]

Thank you everyone. I did go for a walk, before I read your post Sheryl. I feel better, fresh air...I'm still very angry, but it's turning more toward I just ache. I'm emotionally tired, so I'll just wait and see what this evening brings and then tomorrow and then the next day.

[Chandra Amaya]

There you go hon. Just one day at a time that's all any of us can do.

[rivermom]

Originally Posted by Chandra Amaya

I completely agree. There are stages a person goes through with any loss. Loss doesn't have to be a person, his surgery is still a loss.. of his health, his career.

anyway, the first is denial. This you have seen for years from him. "It will get better" or "I'll be fine"
The second is anger. Whether he realizes it or not he is angry. "why did this have to happen to me?" "why can't I just deal with it?". you become angry at yourself, the world & everyone asround you feels it.

the third is bargaining this is where he says "If I can just do this first I'll have the surgery" or "If I can just make it through this I'll start going to the doctor more"

The fourth is depression. This is where he will think it is pointless if it won't help him to continue his career.

The fifth stage is acceptance. This is where he will finally know it has to be done. He will still be afraid but he will go through with it & stop being angry & depressed.

I know this all sounds very Shrink like. I'm sorry. I studied this in both nursing school & psychology class. I have seen it many times working in nursing homes & hospitals. I thought it may help to know it IS NOT YOU & that everything he is going through is normal reactions.

Great post Traci!!! The world makes one wise. Not just being in it, but living it. It's from experience that we gain knowledge and understanding of all our questions.

[Mandy]

So so true, he is not mad/angry with you Janet. Hes reacting it off on you because you are closest to him as hes wife, and he knows you love him!