What to do...

judy · 07-07-2007, 09:30 AM

Lindsey,

When I was divorced the first time, my daughter was 7 months old. We were a package deal, of course. There were no concessions to be made because she absolutely came first, being such a young child.

It taught me a lot. The most important thing I learned was that there is no right or wrong, and the reasons don't really matter. What matters is if it the relationship works easily.

The other thing I learned was that if my needs weren't being met - in this case - around my daughter, then I wasn't happy. My needs became very important to me
because I deserve to be happy. I'm not talking about a Paris Hilton kind of lala land where every need is met, but some things are just basic.

I met my second (ex) husband and he fell right in about my daughter, who he loved in the same way I did. We've been divorced for about 10 years now, and he's still my daughter's "father." They're so close. So, not only my needs were met, so were his, and so were my daughter's.

Good luck with your boyfriend. I hope it works out well.

Judy

Tink · 07-08-2007, 11:33 AM

I agree with Judy.
If someone isn't making your life happier by being in it, you need to ask yourself WHY you want them. If you can adjust to putting Layla second, fine. If you can't, then you need to find someone who won't expect you to.

The only right or wrong about it is how YOU feel about it.

Lindsey · 07-09-2007, 07:40 AM

Well, I think things are looking up. Kyle and I spent the whole weekend together with no distractions.. no friends, no Layla, nobody. I took him back to my hometown and showed him where I grew up, where I worked, where I went to school... On Saturday we went out to my cabin and spent the whole day laying on the beach and then made supper together and cuddled and watched tv because we were both too lazy to make a fire and sit outside! We had a great time. I smiled all weekend. I've opened up to him so much, we were even belting out oldies in the car! I never ever sing in front of anyone, not even my friends!
Yesterday I came home and Layla was so happy to see me. My roommate and I went out shopping because she needed some fish food, so I replaced one of Layla's favourite toys that she chewed a hole in, and she hasn't put it down yet! She slept on my bed last night, and woke me up this morning by throwing her new toy off the bed and then chasing after it. I think maybe for now I just need to seperate my time with Kyle and my time with Layla. I guess I'll just see how it goes...

07-09-2007, 10:31 AM

Lindsey, my fiance was never an animal person so that always worried me. But things changed when he first met Coco. He instantly fell in love and he loves the new little boy we got together. I never thought he'd want to get another one but he did. But because I made compromises for him along the way because he compromised for me. Coco would sleep in our bed, come out with us, and he'd walk her, feed her, clean up after her when I couldn't. So he put a lot of his feelings aside for me and Coco so when Rocco came we made new compromises together. They now sleep together instead of with us, which is comfortable for all involved. The pups dont care, we're not squished so it works out. We also gate them up to eat their own food when we're eating lunch or dinner, because they were constantly jumping all over us during meal time. So my point is you may not find someone who is also a HUGE dog lover, but you make compromises along the way for each other. But the compromise is not a one way street. You can bet your booty that if my fiance wasn't as giving I wouldn't be either and vice versa. So there's nothing wrong with compromising as long as it's fair and on both ends. Yes as much as we would like to deny it, men do often get jealous of the attention and amount of time we give our little ones, if we're not giving nearly as much to them, which is fair. So be sure to have Lindsey and Kyle time along together and then Lindsey, Kyle and Layla time. We spend a lot of time walking with our dogs and playing in the park and at home, that way we don't feel as bad when him and I just wanna go out just the two of us.

Lindsey · 07-10-2007, 06:45 AM

Last night Kyle spent the night at my house again. He was sitting on my bed and Layla was right beside him trying to play with him, her little tail was just wagging away! He ignored her. I guess it's better than trying to make her not like him. Then he was like "Will you be happy if I pet it?" She has all of a sudden turned into an "it" to him. I said yes, so he petted her for awhile. When he stopped petting her she came back for more, but he was getting a little frustrated at her so I gently picked her up and petted her for a bit, and then put her on the floor so we could have some cuddle time. She slept right beside my bed all night, and the couple of times she jumped up on the bed, I just picked her up and put her back on the floor. I think he appreciated it, and she didn't seem to make a big deal of it either. When he's not there I'll let her sleep with me, and maybe she'll start to learn when she can and can't sleep on the bed.
Kyle also told me that he would love to get a house with a big fenced yard and have a big dog, and he was like "If we end up together and I have a big dog and you have a little dog, I don't want them to just have completely different rules when they're inside." And I guess I understand that, but that would be forever away from now! I also think that when I buy my own house I would love to get Layla a little brother or sister that she could spend time with and not be so lonely all day! I think it's mostly the guilt of me being at work all day and leaving her there that makes me want to give her so much attention when I'm home with her.

judy · 07-10-2007, 09:13 AM

Dear Lindsey,

I hope I'm wrong, but I'm beginning to see a red flag here.

You're a beautiful, intelligent young woman. Don't sell yourself short.

Judy

Lindsey · 07-10-2007, 09:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by judy

Dear Lindsey,

I hope I'm wrong, but I'm beginning to see a red flag here.

You're a beautiful, intelligent young woman. Don't sell yourself short.

Judy

Yeah. I think I already know. I feel like I just want to deny it and hope for the best for a little while longer

07-07-2007, 09:30 AM	#1
judy Donating 4WT Yakker Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Denver, NY Posts: 8,097	Lindsey, When I was divorced the first time, my daughter was 7 months old. We were a package deal, of course. There were no concessions to be made because she absolutely came first, being such a young child. It taught me a lot. The most important thing I learned was that there is no right or wrong, and the reasons don't really matter. What matters is if it the relationship works easily. The other thing I learned was that if my needs weren't being met - in this case - around my daughter, then I wasn't happy. My needs became very important to me because I deserve to be happy. I'm not talking about a Paris Hilton kind of lala land where every need is met, but some things are just basic. I met my second (ex) husband and he fell right in about my daughter, who he loved in the same way I did. We've been divorced for about 10 years now, and he's still my daughter's "father." They're so close. So, not only my needs were met, so were his, and so were my daughter's. Good luck with your boyfriend. I hope it works out well. Judy __________________ *Judy*

07-08-2007, 11:33 AM	#2
Tink Donating 4WT 2000 Club Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Rural Wisconsin Posts: 3,707	I agree with Judy. If someone isn't making your life happier by being in it, you need to ask yourself WHY you want them. If you can adjust to putting Layla second, fine. If you can't, then you need to find someone who won't expect you to. The only right or wrong about it is how YOU feel about it. __________________ 'A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in.. And how many want out.' England 's Prime Minister Tony Blair'

07-09-2007, 07:40 AM	#3
Lindsey Donating 4WT Talker Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Saskatchewan Posts: 3,764	Well, I think things are looking up. Kyle and I spent the whole weekend together with no distractions.. no friends, no Layla, nobody. I took him back to my hometown and showed him where I grew up, where I worked, where I went to school... On Saturday we went out to my cabin and spent the whole day laying on the beach and then made supper together and cuddled and watched tv because we were both too lazy to make a fire and sit outside! We had a great time. I smiled all weekend. I've opened up to him so much, we were even belting out oldies in the car! I never ever sing in front of anyone, not even my friends! Yesterday I came home and Layla was so happy to see me. My roommate and I went out shopping because she needed some fish food, so I replaced one of Layla's favourite toys that she chewed a hole in, and she hasn't put it down yet! She slept on my bed last night, and woke me up this morning by throwing her new toy off the bed and then chasing after it. I think maybe for now I just need to seperate my time with Kyle and my time with Layla. I guess I'll just see how it goes... __________________ Lindsey "I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it..." -Marilyn Monroe

07-10-2007, 06:45 AM	#5
Lindsey Donating 4WT Talker Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Saskatchewan Posts: 3,764	Last night Kyle spent the night at my house again. He was sitting on my bed and Layla was right beside him trying to play with him, her little tail was just wagging away! He ignored her. I guess it's better than trying to make her not like him. Then he was like "Will you be happy if I pet it?" She has all of a sudden turned into an "it" to him. I said yes, so he petted her for awhile. When he stopped petting her she came back for more, but he was getting a little frustrated at her so I gently picked her up and petted her for a bit, and then put her on the floor so we could have some cuddle time. She slept right beside my bed all night, and the couple of times she jumped up on the bed, I just picked her up and put her back on the floor. I think he appreciated it, and she didn't seem to make a big deal of it either. When he's not there I'll let her sleep with me, and maybe she'll start to learn when she can and can't sleep on the bed. Kyle also told me that he would love to get a house with a big fenced yard and have a big dog, and he was like "If we end up together and I have a big dog and you have a little dog, I don't want them to just have completely different rules when they're inside." And I guess I understand that, but that would be forever away from now! I also think that when I buy my own house I would love to get Layla a little brother or sister that she could spend time with and not be so lonely all day! I think it's mostly the guilt of me being at work all day and leaving her there that makes me want to give her so much attention when I'm home with her. __________________ Lindsey "I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it..." -Marilyn Monroe

07-10-2007, 09:13 AM	#6
judy Donating 4WT Yakker Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Denver, NY Posts: 8,097	Dear Lindsey, I hope I'm wrong, but I'm beginning to see a red flag here. You're a beautiful, intelligent young woman. Don't sell yourself short. Judy __________________ *Judy*

07-09-2007, 10:31 AM	#4
vainchick5 Guest Posts: n/a	Lindsey, my fiance was never an animal person so that always worried me. But things changed when he first met Coco. He instantly fell in love and he loves the new little boy we got together. I never thought he'd want to get another one but he did. But because I made compromises for him along the way because he compromised for me. Coco would sleep in our bed, come out with us, and he'd walk her, feed her, clean up after her when I couldn't. So he put a lot of his feelings aside for me and Coco so when Rocco came we made new compromises together. They now sleep together instead of with us, which is comfortable for all involved. The pups dont care, we're not squished so it works out. We also gate them up to eat their own food when we're eating lunch or dinner, because they were constantly jumping all over us during meal time. So my point is you may not find someone who is also a HUGE dog lover, but you make compromises along the way for each other. But the compromise is not a one way street. You can bet your booty that if my fiance wasn't as giving I wouldn't be either and vice versa. So there's nothing wrong with compromising as long as it's fair and on both ends. Yes as much as we would like to deny it, men do often get jealous of the attention and amount of time we give our little ones, if we're not giving nearly as much to them, which is fair. So be sure to have Lindsey and Kyle time along together and then Lindsey, Kyle and Layla time. We spend a lot of time walking with our dogs and playing in the park and at home, that way we don't feel as bad when him and I just wanna go out just the two of us.

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