i give up...well, i want to anyway...

Gina · 08-13-2007, 02:11 PM

Mandee, I to am sorry to hear this, but if you read what I have wrote to you in the past. I hate to say I told you so, but there is a pattern that you were not aware of yourself. When you get a chance go back and read what I had wrote to you in your last post.

I gather that you are still young the only advice anyone can really give you is to go to marriage counciling you do have a child together and if you can make it work , its better for your daughter to have two loving parents in a family unit. I do understand sometimes it is better being alone and showing the child love and a happy enviroment. Sometimes your spouse needs a wake up call, you need to weigh out your options, I have many divorced friends and they are no happier than the married ones. I am 50 yrs . old and married 25 yrs. I to almost left him a few years ago , we did the marriage councelor thingy. Did it work, yes and no. I have come to accept my husband for who he is, People think my husband is wonderful, yes he is a good provider and he is a good father. We barely talk for he is a quiet person and not to loving either he has issues steming from his childhood. Very emotionless people, I in turn am out going and a loving person, I guess like Janet and your aunt I learn to accept things and there is so much more. Never allow them to treat you like a child, for I made him get away with it for many years and through counciling for myself I no longer put up with that crap.

All I can say is don't become us older women down the road, but give it your best shot at trying to work things out. You can say at least that I tried.Life is short and one day you will wake up and reallize life is passing you by. Be happy with whatever you decide.

Good luck..

toodles · 08-13-2007, 04:45 PM

I will reply to all of your posts when I get home, I am doing this from my phone and I have a lot I want to say

will do that from my laptop when I get home.
But I did want to clear up one thing ... My dd is not with my husband. I had her with my high school sweetheart who ended up cheating on me when she was 1. We never married.

Also...I am 29 years young. Yes, still "young" but not SUPER young

Ok... I'll write more soon

HUGS!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gina

Mandee, I to am sorry to hear this, but if you read what I have wrote to you in the past. I hate to say I told you so, but there is a pattern that you were not aware of yourself. When you get a chance go back and read what I had wrote to you in your last post.

I gather that you are still young the only advice anyone can really give you is to go to marriage counciling you do have a child together and if you can make it work , its better for your daughter to have two loving parents in a family unit. I do understand sometimes it is better being alone and showing the child love and a happy enviroment. Sometimes your spouse needs a wake up call, you need to weigh out your options, I have many divorced friends and they are no happier than the married ones. I am 50 yrs . old and married 25 yrs. I to almost left him a few years ago , we did the marriage councelor thingy. Did it work, yes and no. I have come to accept my husband for who he is, People think my husband is wonderful, yes he is a good provider and he is a good father. We barely talk for he is a quiet person and not to loving either he has issues steming from his childhood. Very emotionless people, I in turn am out going and a loving person, I guess like Janet and your aunt I learn to accept things and there is so much more. Never allow them to treat you like a child, for I made him get away with it for many years and through counciling for myself I no longer put up with that crap.

All I can say is don't become us older women down the road, but give it your best shot at trying to work things out. You can say at least that I tried.Life is short and one day you will wake up and reallize life is passing you by. Be happy with whatever you decide.

Good luck..

AngieDoogles · 08-13-2007, 06:15 PM

I hope you are feeling at least a bit better now that some time has passed. Sometimes it helps to just vent and get all of those emotions out...

*more hugs!*

toodles · 08-13-2007, 08:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AngieDoogles

I hope you are feeling at least a bit better now that some time has passed. Sometimes it helps to just vent and get all of those emotions out...

*more hugs!*

thank you

we have talked. well, it started by him asking "are you happy?? I don't think you are happy!"

well, that opened the can. so we talked. i expressed some of my frustrations and all in all, we both agreed that most of our problems started when we started working together. we never have been able to create a separation between work and marriage. so our marriage has become more of a business relationship. some people can work with their spouses, i cannot. i have struggled with it since day 1. i just can't do it. we own the business and it is just very hard, mostly because i am the one that does the work...he is only involved because we put the business in our names together. so he feels the need to dip into what is going on all the time. and my investor thinks my husband walks on water so he talks to him instead of me. "hey, jim, tell mandee ________________"

well, that just doesn't work. because then i get frustrated and jim is now involved and it just gets horribly ugly. so...long story short, we have agreed that we cannot let this continue. not if we want to save our marriage. since this is one of the major problems we have! so i am going to hire someone to do what i do on a daily basis, pay them what i have been paying myself, and i will just remove myself from it and stay home. this has been my ultimate goal....to own the company but not do ALL the work. i will still be the decision maker, the "go to" person when someone needs help or advice...or whatever. but i will work on the "quiet" end of it. and just enjoy the ownership aspect of it. this will keep me from working with him. he will no longer feel the need to ask me a million times a day "did you do this...did you do that...don't forget to do this...be sure to do that..." THAT gets old!!!!!!!!!! I DO HAVE A BRAIN...I CAN THINK FOR MYSELF!! that wears me out on a daily basis and by the end of the day, i cannot stand him!! so anything and everything he does drives me NUTS!!!

so...i will now be able to concentrate on making my doggie clothes and accessories and do some of the things I have been wanting to do my whole life...but have always put work first.

now...about his controlling nature. we discussed that. i have expressed to him that i cannot handle it any longer. i just can't. he told me that i seem so cold toward him. and i explained that it is because of him being so controlling. i explained to him that i have always been a strong woman, very independent. and that since he has come along, i feel like i can't think for myself anymore. i hate feeling that way...therefore i am very cold to him.

he was stunned. he really didn't know what to say other than "sorry". he finally realized what he is doing. he told me that he will try very hard to work on this.

so i think we have had a breakthrough. hopefully. i explained to him that i am on my last string...that i can't handle it much longer. i told him that i have had thoughts of how i would live on my own again...and that i hate thinking like that. but i can't help it. i do love him...but i really don't like him very much lately. know what i mean??

well, he understood. so we will see if things get any better. we both discussed things that have been bothering each of us and hopefully we can both improve on our ends.

thanks again for all the support and advice. you are all AWESOME!!!

AngieDoogles · 08-14-2007, 03:22 AM

That's wonderful Mandee! I'm so glad that it seems you are both willing to work. Just remember, this doesn't mean things will be perfect; you will both still make mistakes, but at least now you have a better understanding of each other and the cause of your discontentment. Congratulations on taking a very difficult first step!

Janet · 08-14-2007, 07:50 AM

Good for you. I'm happy that you've talked it all out!

judy · 08-14-2007, 08:40 AM

Dear Mandee,

Having been divorced twice, I have to commend you on being able to talk it out with your husband. It's the most important first step to mending things.

With my second ex, we went to marriage counseling. We cared a great deal for each other. I was the "love of his life," but he, too, was controlling. Val talked about abuse, and I have to say that I feel that control is the beginning of abuse. I didn't want that marriage to end at that time. We were great friends, I did love him, although I was never in love with him, we knew each other since junior high school as friends, and he's still an amazing stepfather.

The marriage did end. The bottom line was that I really was done being treated that way. The counseling showed me exactly what we both were about, we tried our best to keep it together, and I ended it with no regrets.

I am so much happier - and this is about 12 years later - than I was with him.
I don't believe in suffering. Life is too short and I'm not afraid to be alone.
But, that's me.

Nobody can tell you what to do. I would say that counseling, with the right counselor, might be helpful. We had the wrong counselor at first. She told me I had to compromise, this is who he is, blah, blah, blah. I just didn't want him!
I didn't have to compromise my own life and I didn't care for who he was.

Best to you. Prayers for the best outcome are coming your way.

08-13-2007, 06:15 PM	#3
AngieDoogles Donating 4WT 4000 Club Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 6,509	I hope you are feeling at least a bit better now that some time has passed. Sometimes it helps to just vent and get all of those emotions out... more hugs! __________________ "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." ~MT

08-14-2007, 03:22 AM	#5
AngieDoogles Donating 4WT 4000 Club Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 6,509	That's wonderful Mandee! I'm so glad that it seems you are both willing to work. Just remember, this doesn't mean things will be perfect; you will both still make mistakes, but at least now you have a better understanding of each other and the cause of your discontentment. Congratulations on taking a very difficult first step! __________________ "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." ~MT

08-14-2007, 07:50 AM	#6
Janet Moderator Donating 4WT 18K Club Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: INDIANA Posts: 21,625	Good for you. I'm happy that you've talked it all out! __________________ To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. ECCLESIASTES 3:1

08-14-2007, 08:40 AM	#7
judy Donating 4WT Yakker Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Denver, NY Posts: 8,097	Dear Mandee, Having been divorced twice, I have to commend you on being able to talk it out with your husband. It's the most important first step to mending things. With my second ex, we went to marriage counseling. We cared a great deal for each other. I was the "love of his life," but he, too, was controlling. Val talked about abuse, and I have to say that I feel that control is the beginning of abuse. I didn't want that marriage to end at that time. We were great friends, I did love him, although I was never in love with him, we knew each other since junior high school as friends, and he's still an amazing stepfather. The marriage did end. The bottom line was that I really was done being treated that way. The counseling showed me exactly what we both were about, we tried our best to keep it together, and I ended it with no regrets. I am so much happier - and this is about 12 years later - than I was with him. I don't believe in suffering. Life is too short and I'm not afraid to be alone. But, that's me. Nobody can tell you what to do. I would say that counseling, with the right counselor, might be helpful. We had the wrong counselor at first. She told me I had to compromise, this is who he is, blah, blah, blah. I just didn't want him! I didn't have to compromise my own life and I didn't care for who he was. Best to you. Prayers for the best outcome are coming your way. __________________ *Judy*

08-13-2007, 02:11 PM	#1
Gina Donating 4WT 500 Club Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 6,025	Mandee, I to am sorry to hear this, but if you read what I have wrote to you in the past. I hate to say I told you so, but there is a pattern that you were not aware of yourself. When you get a chance go back and read what I had wrote to you in your last post. I gather that you are still young the only advice anyone can really give you is to go to marriage counciling you do have a child together and if you can make it work , its better for your daughter to have two loving parents in a family unit. I do understand sometimes it is better being alone and showing the child love and a happy enviroment. Sometimes your spouse needs a wake up call, you need to weigh out your options, I have many divorced friends and they are no happier than the married ones. I am 50 yrs . old and married 25 yrs. I to almost left him a few years ago , we did the marriage councelor thingy. Did it work, yes and no. I have come to accept my husband for who he is, People think my husband is wonderful, yes he is a good provider and he is a good father. We barely talk for he is a quiet person and not to loving either he has issues steming from his childhood. Very emotionless people, I in turn am out going and a loving person, I guess like Janet and your aunt I learn to accept things and there is so much more. Never allow them to treat you like a child, for I made him get away with it for many years and through counciling for myself I no longer put up with that crap. All I can say is don't become us older women down the road, but give it your best shot at trying to work things out. You can say at least that I tried.Life is short and one day you will wake up and reallize life is passing you by. Be happy with whatever you decide. Good luck..

	Contact Us - 4WomenTalk.com - Archive - Top
		Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7 Copyright ©2000 - 2025, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.