anyone ever

3 years! this is what i dont get i have never gotten this way when someone close to me died, usually i just know they are in a good palce. i know eligh is also but somehow its different. i dont know if its because i found him or if it was because he was only 4 1/2 months old. and even though i know it wasnt my fault and even if i would have seen it happening there would have been nothing i could have done to stop it i still feel horralbe about it. i have been babysitting for 24 years and i loved doing it but now the fun is gonei still panic if they sleep to long,i still cant sleep at night, and worst of all i am not as excited as i want to be about my first grand child comming in feb i feel like my firend and husband are sick of me being like this and i try to make my self happy but it doesnt really work. i am sorry for going on about this but i just dont know how to get back to being happy anymore. i dont think it really depression i think its most the trauma of it all along with many other things going on in our life.