sexless relationships

[Janet]

Tink always has the best advice and knows how to word it so beautifully.

Haley, the only thing I can say is, if you knew he was this way...you should have ran the other way. I've been married almost 34 years now. You know I've been painting...well, my husband has never lifted a paint brush, never asked if he could help or anything of that nature. It's the reason too that we sided the outside of our house and buildings...I was the one that painted them. If I want things to look nice and stay nice....it's up to me. Don't think you can change them....it won't happen. So if having help is important to you...then my advice is run! I should have.

[jrsygal37]

Originally Posted by Janet

Tink always has the best advice and knows how to word it so beautifully.

Haley, the only thing I can say is, if you knew he was this way...you should have ran the other way. I've been married almost 34 years now. You know I've been painting...well, my husband has never lifted a paint brush, never asked if he could help or anything of that nature. It's the reason too that we sided the outside of our house and buildings...I was the one that painted them. If I want things to look nice and stay nice....it's up to me. Don't think you can change them....it won't happen. So if having help is important to you...then my advice is run! I should have.

Janet. I am in the same boat with the painting. I just painted part of the inside of our house 2,500 sq. foot and got NO HELP. I have the upstairs still to do. Hubby does not help out with any of the work. I do the pool, paint, clean, take care of the kids, the dogs and he's retarded oh wait I mean retired. LOL. It does suck doesn't it. Elaine

[Emmsmom]

Originally Posted by jrsygal37

I do the pool, paint, clean, take care of the kids, the dogs and he's retarded oh wait I mean retired. LOL. It does suck doesn't it. Elaine

I am sorry but that is just too funny! I will have to remember that one!

[Dobie]

My first marriage was a disaster, we didn't have sex the last 2 years of it - he said it was a "Chore" - just like washing the dishes or changing a tire. Turns out he had at least one affair.

My current husband is the best thing that's ever happened to me - I tell people I don't regret my first marriage because it has allowed me to really appreciate how wonderful Jim is. He sings "You are my sunshine" to me every night right before we go to bed, then holds my hand as we fall asleep because he says he can't fall asleep unless he's touching the love of his life.
As far as chores go - we set aside time everynight for general chores and we play music and dance around the house while we clean. Everything gets done a lot quicker when you do it together. After cleaning time, we jump in the shower and he washes my hair for me - it's our quiet time together when nothing from the outside world can intrude.

[Taurus Babe]

Originally Posted by Dobie

My first marriage was a disaster, we didn't have sex the last 2 years of it - he said it was a "Chore" - just like washing the dishes or changing a tire. Turns out he had at least one affair.

My current husband is the best thing that's ever happened to me - I tell people I don't regret my first marriage because it has allowed me to really appreciate how wonderful Jim is. He sings "You are my sunshine" to me every night right before we go to bed, then holds my hand as we fall asleep because he says he can't fall asleep unless he's touching the love of his life.
As far as chores go - we set aside time everynight for general chores and we play music and dance around the house while we clean. Everything gets done a lot quicker when you do it together. After cleaning time, we jump in the shower and he washes my hair for me - it's our quiet time together when nothing from the outside world can intrude.

OMG! Soo freaking sweet!

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by jrsygal37

Janet. I am in the same boat with the painting. I just painted part of the inside of our house 2,500 sq. foot and got NO HELP. I have the upstairs still to do. Hubby does not help out with any of the work. I do the pool, paint, clean, take care of the kids, the dogs and he's retarded oh wait I mean retired. LOL. It does suck doesn't it. Elaine

Yes it does suck,,, I had a doctors apt yesterday, then one of my girlfriends called, so i called home a told Mike i was going to stop and have a couple beers with my girlfriend, it was so nice to get out for a couple of hours.
Then i get home, there are dishes everywhere, Mike is sleeping in the chair, Micah got a hold of the baby powder and look out it was everywhere!!! and i do mean everywhere, even the dogs were white, I woke up Mike and told him i was going to bed!!!!
Well who do you think got stuck with all the mess this morning!!! I had to get ready for work, get Micah ready, and try and clean the best i could before i left. it looks like i'll be bringing the rug shampoo out and cleaning the rugs tonight...
oh what fun....

[Janet]

Originally Posted by jrsygal37

Janet. I am in the same boat with the painting. I just painted part of the inside of our house 2,500 sq. foot and got NO HELP. I have the upstairs still to do. Hubby does not help out with any of the work. I do the pool, paint, clean, take care of the kids, the dogs and he's retarded oh wait I mean retired. LOL. It does suck doesn't it. Elaine

Yes, Elaine...it sucks big time. He has to be reminded the yard needs mowed too. He's either blind or just plain stupid. I can't hardly stand to touch his clothes to wash them, but I do refuse to fold them. I use to, but then I would open up the chest of drawers and he had such a mess in them. So I decided not to even open them anymore. Why would I want to get myself upset. I should've left a long...long time ago!

I hated that my post to Haley sounded so cold, but she has two choices from where I sit. Get used to it and don't let it bother her...or get out.

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by Janet

Yes, Elaine...it sucks big time. He has to be reminded the yard needs mowed too. He's either blind or just plain stupid. I can't hardly stand to touch his clothes to wash them, but I do refuse to fold them. I use to, but then I would open up the chest of drawers and he had such a mess in them. So I decided not to even open them anymore. Why would I want to get myself upset. I should've left a long...long time ago!

I hated that my post to Haley sounded so cold, but she has two choices from where I sit. Get used to it and don't let it bother her...or get out.

Janet your post wasn't cold, your 100% right, i'm not happy and i need to make a choice and one very soon, your like me i do wash his clothes then i throw them in a pile downstairs and that's where they sit, i use to clean out his drawers all the time and they would get messed up the next day, and i would get so upset. now i just don't care.. if he wants to live like a pig then, let him i moved all his stuff downstairs in the basement because he was a pig. and there's clothes everywhere. and i don't care...

[Marilyn]

I've been silent in this thread so far. Lots of people have given you lots of advice. If you sit back and just look at the situation. What I see is two people who knew going into the marriage that there were some fundamental differences in personalities and expectations, but something brought you together. You decided for some reason to get married. Why? What brought you together? What made you think that he is the one you wanted to spend the rest of your life with? You need to stop and think on this. You say he's a pig and was when you married him. There must have been something attractive about this pig.

Newlyweds need time together. Time to get to know one another and establish a relationship. You need time to talk about everything, the past, the present, the future. You have to learn his quirks and he needs to get to know yours. When you throw into the mix a child right away, two dogs, two jobs and a house you are trying to maintain and remodel. It's no wonder you don't know each other and have not established your strong marriage relationship. You went for it all way too quickly. Newlyweds need to live in an apartment for a while with no grass to mow, and no pets so they can focus on each other.

Whether you decide to try to make it work or to dump him, you need to look at your lives. In order to have the time to build your futures whether that is together or apart, you need to simplify. In my opinion, you need to live with the house the way it is for a while, forget the remodel for now, or sell it and buy something or rent something that does not require so much energy. You may consider giving the dogs to caring family or friends so you have more time. If your dogs are yorkies, I know they take a lot of your time. Get back to the basics, you, your husband and Micah. Also, don't stress so much about everything being spotless. There is a certain level of sanitation we should all maintain, but if the dishes don't get done because you are spending time with your husband and child, so what. The dishes won't be hurt, just put a little clorox in the dishwater when you do get to them.

The most important priorities in your life right now are your husband and your child. God should be first, of course, but you have so much going on right now, you need to start with prayer and consider some of what I've said here.

These are just my thoughts and opinions, but if you step back and take a look at the big picture, this is what I see from my vantage point. After 35 years of marriage and 54 years of living, I've learned that we need to focus our time on the most important things in life, and relationships are way up on the list. Houses come and go, and so do things. Pets while we enjoy them a lot, should not be our focus when you have so much else going on. They live a few years and then they are gone. The older you get, the less important some of the details become.

I'm still stressed out over little things myself, so the pot is sitting here calling the kettle black a bit, but my dishes aren't clean right now, and it's okay because hubby and I are busy living and we have a daughter we want to spend some time with this weekend. He and she are what is important to me, not that pot I used to cook spagetti, or the unfolded laundry in the laundry room.

[HALEY]

Marylin, He did help me alot when the baby was born, i just guess the newness of the baby wore off! He was so happy when he found out i was pregnant then that wore off too, he only went to two doctors visits with me. and he was there when Micah was born... I sat home by myself for 9 months while he went out with his friends every weekend, and i'm still pissed about that today. that really hurt..
I do love Mike and i always will, i tryed to talk to him, tried yelling, bitching, nagging. nothing works he's in his own little world.
I was attracted to him in high school but we dated a couple years after that, Mike is very good looking man, somewhat of a bad boy, the Harley Davidson guy that i fell in love with, we both love to ride motorcycles. that's one of the reason i fell in love with him. we use to go out every weekend and have a blast with our friends, but you can't do that anymore when you have kids, i grew out of that lifestyle and he seems to not want to let it go! and i believe i got pregnant way too soon, on my honeymoon! it just went so fast, we were married then i was a mother, yes all you ladies were right there was no us time. plus taking on an old house remolding it. I try to make us time, go out to dinner, but he always calls his friends to meet up with us, and he knows that pisses me off. why he does it i don't know.. Were going to have a couple of days off and i will set some us time once again, to try and talk to him, and see what he wants to do... I am willing to try once again, but i need him to try too. well see what the weekend brings.

[teri88]

Haley you said the most important thing of all at the end of your last post:that you are willing to try and you need him to try too. It will take both of you to save this marriage if it's going to be saved. You guys really need to consider counceling. He has a lot of growing up to do and he's not going to listen to you, he needs to hear it from an "outsider".

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by Janet

Tink always has the best advice and knows how to word it so beautifully.

Haley, the only thing I can say is, if you knew he was this way...you should have ran the other way. I've been married almost 34 years now. You know I've been painting...well, my husband has never lifted a paint brush, never asked if he could help or anything of that nature. It's the reason too that we sided the outside of our house and buildings...I was the one that painted them. If I want things to look nice and stay nice....it's up to me. Don't think you can change them....it won't happen. So if having help is important to you...then my advice is run! I should have.

Janet i know what you mean about the house looking nice i was 6 months pregnant and painting my kitchen! I had friends over to help, then after the baby was born a good friend of mine came over to help me, then that's when Mike decided to get off his butt and help! He probably didn't want to look bad infront of another person in the house!