The second meeting

[Lindsey]

Thanks Diana. I was AMAZED at how she would just come out and say those things! Scott had said before he thought our families would get along well but after this weekend I was like "Nope, definitely not." Our dads would get along great, but if his mom said anything like that to my mom, my mom would have none of it. And my mom is great! But she won't take that from anyone.
I told Scott I can't visit every time he does because there's only so much of that I can handle. I think I'm a pretty strong person but I couldn't help crying as soon as I got in his car. I cried for about half of our drive.
He said his sisters went through the same things. They are both married but their mom HATED when they were dating. His pregnant sister and her husband live in the same city but never visit. They came over for brunch, and later Scott said "Did you notice he barely said a word? He's always like that around my parents. Same with my other sister's husband" He said they never even go there unless there's a reason, and they usually leave quickly.
Scott said it wouldn't even bother him to not visit his mom anymore. I couldn't imagine feeling that way about my family.

[DianaB]

Maybe Scott needs to tell his Mom that if she continues to treat you rudely then he'll have no choice but to limit his time with her. She needs to know that the way she treats you hurts his relationship with her.

[Janet]

As Dr. Phil says.."you teach people how to treat you." I'm sorry, but in a very nice way...I would have to put her in her place. When she would say something so rude...I would have to ask her why she would say such a rude thing. I would have to keep putting it back on her to explain...all the while being as nice as I could. In reality I would want to kick her freak'n butt, but hey...that's not the correct way to handle things.

[Blueyes]

Ok..my first question: WHAT was so important that they left you all day after you had made a special trip just to see them????

[Tiramisu]

That's how my husband's mother (I try not to call her MY MIL) treated me. My first visit to their house was on Easter Sunday, a beautiful day outside. We went for early morning "sunrise" services, went back to their house, had breakfast, and the sitting around started. I finally said, "It's such a beautiful day. Let's go for a walk." "NO, this is a religious day, we do nothing!" So, I sat there and dozed. Thing is that that's not the way they are, she was just pulling her weight that day and many others.

Stand up to her "flat footed" and respectfully put her in her place now! Last year, I asked that my husband's mother never come to my house again. When Hurricane Ike was coming in, he wanted to go bring her over and I offered that he could go stay with her or take her somewhere else. He chose me!

[Lindsey]

Originally Posted by Blueyes

Ok..my first question: WHAT was so important that they left you all day after you had made a special trip just to see them????

Work stuff and church stuff... One day his mom nonchalantly asked his sister when she was flying out and she told her whatever time and she said "Oh I wonder if one of us will be around, you might need to find someone else to drive you to the airport"
The whole church thing was very driven into their brains when they were growing up, and now none of the kids go to church. I felt like we were sort of guilted into going. His sister said no, she just got there from a flight the day before and wanted to sleep in. Their mom was angry about that and told her she should be going anyway.
I know that growing up, she would punish Scott for anything having to do with girls. All little kids are curious and do things they shouldn't be doing and it's up to the parents to teach them right from wrong, but it's going a little far to punish them and make them scared of even talking to girls. When little kids have crushes, it's cute. But to his mom it was WRONG. He was always terrified of dating and still has trouble making first moves to hold my hand or anything simple like that. He says it's because he still has this idea in his head that it's bad and it's wrong because it's what he's always been taught. His mom believes he shouldn't be touching a girl until he's married.
I did tell Scott that if things continue this way, it may be a deal breaker because I respect myself too much to keep putting myself in that situation. After thinking about it all day he said he can't stand to think of not holding me anymore and he can't get it out of his mind. He is going to ask his mom what she thinks of me and see where it goes from there. I told him just to let her know that when she says things it hurts me and she should think about things before she says them. He agreed, but she is going to be very angry

[judy]

Weren't you there a couple of weeks ago? Your own family sounds wonderful, and fun to visit, but the truth is that once you and Scott became a couple, you really should be creating your own family life. Visiting Mommy Dearest should occur only when it can't be avoided.

Distance is a wonderful thing when it comes to disagreeable family. It does sound like the two sons-in-law have figured out how to deal with her.
Don't go too often and keep quiet. Or don't keep quiet. I doubt if it would make any difference. She really sounds like there is something very wrong with her.

It sounds like Scott really has good intentions. He is on your side, and does not defend his mother at all. He probably is very frightened of making her angry. I would imagine that is why he doesn't stand up to her when you are there. She is quite abusive, and he may not be able to speak up for you for a long time.

Stay away from her Lindsey. She really is not normal. She won't be changing.

[Lindsey]

They came here a few weeks ago for an afternoon, just because they were going to a concert here. Otherwise they've never visited him here.
I just talked to my parents about it and they were like "Did you tell her she's an angry old hag?" lol. My dad couldn't believe it. He said "When Scott comes here we treat him just like family!" and that's how I've always been treated with the families of my exes too... everyone welcomed me with open arms.
But I don't even think it will matter if she does change now. The damage is done. She can't just undo that first impression. I'm not going to forget it.

[pope1982]

Originally Posted by Lindsey

Scott said it wouldn't even bother him to not visit his mom anymore. I couldn't imagine feeling that way about my family.

She is setting herself up for failure. You cannot imagine what he must have gone through... and sadly, in her trying to get him to "pick her" over you, it is going to back fire.

She eats it up when he is silent as she throws digs at you. As long as he keeps defending you, which he must care for you if she eventually pissed him off that much... she will probably get a lot more crazy and desperate before all is said and done though, just a warning.