...............divorce?

BabyNicole · 10-12-2006, 08:14 PM

Sorry you are going through this!

I do believe a lot of your problems stem from his drinking. It is a disease, and in order to stop he needs serious help. And he can NEVER have a drink again. I dated someone who was an alcoholic and I will never do it again. Maybe live apart, and tell him you won't considering working on anything until HE gets help.

Oh, and drinking and sleeping a lot could be a sign of depression/self medication. Is he depressed about anything? Maybe he feels like a failure. And well, he is being one since he's treating you and your children like this.

Something needs to be done asap. I truly hope all works out for you!!!!

Janet · 10-13-2006, 05:25 AM

Okay here goes my personal opinion again...I think you should stay apart for the time being. Go to couples therapy and if he won't go....go alone. After a couple has been together for awhile...it seems there comes some bumps in the road, in mine, it was a mountain!!! Discuss with him to get counceling for his drinking, if he is not willing, then he obviously cares more for the drink than his family. Anyway, you still need to go and get the help anyway. There are a lot of free services out there, also, if finances are a problem. I would definitely get to the root of the problem before the ties are severed.

magnolia · 10-13-2006, 05:32 AM

I also have dealt with an alcoholic in the past (my older brother). Until your husband admits he has a drinking problem (and a person with a drinking problem is one who can't get through a single day without having a drink - and then can't stop with one), he will continue just as he has been. Also, as Janet said, he may be dealing with some depression and added with the drinking - not good. My heart goes out to you and am so glad you found this place - GREAT place to vent, laugh, and lean on shoulders (there are some great ones here). Try to get into counseling with him, or go alone. You will feel so much better

Oh, and welcome to 4WT - hope you stick around and give us a chance to get to know you and you get to know us.

RLC12345678 · 10-13-2006, 06:23 AM

Your husband is probably drinking because he is depressed so confronting him about the drinking is going to cause him to feel threatened and attacked and I think that will only make matters worse. Afterall, I believe that it takes TWO to make a relationship work. Yes, he has his share of problems that are contributing to the decline of this marriage, but I am sure there are some things that you could work on yourself. It takes TWO to tango, as I like to say. So, with that being said, I would not attack your husband about his drinking and tell him that HE is the one that needs help and HE is the one who needs counseling. I think BOTH of you need help. You BOTH need to go to counseling together as well as separately. I think that in the counseling sessions would be a good time for BOTH of you to get everything out on the table. He can be open and honest about what he doesn't like about his life that is causing him to drink and you can be open and honest about your feelings. Men do not like to feel attacked or threatened. If you attack him, he is going to push harder and harder against you. I think in a caring and compassionate conversation, you need to express how you want to stay wtih him but yall BOTH need to go to counseling in order to make it work. Tell him that YOU BOTH have issues that you need to work on that will not be resolved without counseling. Tell him that it is as much your fault as it is his, even if you don't truly feel that it is. Give him an ultimateum...If he refuses to go to counseling, get a divorce.

Best of luck to you. I, too, hope you stick around. We would love to get to know you better.

10-13-2006, 06:26 AM

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I'll have to say, that I probably agree with the others about the drinking. If he's up all night drinking, then he'll continue sleeping all day instead of trying to mesh with you & the childerens daytime schedules. Although I do know some couples who are happy & compatible with such opposite schedules.....I know that I would not. I'm like you & want my guy around during all the 'normal' family times.

How long have you been together? Are your children yours, his, both of yours?? How old are they? I tend to think that whenever children are involved, especially young children, than counceling is always a good bet. If you have some doubt about ending the relationship then maybe just try counceling. The worst that could happen is that the divorce is delayed & it sounds like the relationship is not unsafe for you or the kids. Who knows, maybe you can dig to the root of the problem & fix it. Has he always been a drinker & on a night schedule??

SweetCuteness · 10-13-2006, 08:44 AM

While I do agree with what everyone has said - especially regarding the conceling, you kind of sound like your mind is 99% made up. For counceling to be able to work, you're going to have to go into it with an open mind. If your mind is saying "it's over, I'm done," the counceling will be ineffective. Best of luck to you!!

SweetCuteness · 10-13-2006, 08:45 AM

P.S. Welcome to 4WT!!!!

Mandy · 10-13-2006, 11:25 AM

Just want to send you my best wishes and good luck with whatever decision you make. And welcome to 4WT, you have come to the right place

10-12-2006, 08:14 PM	#1
BabyNicole Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: New Jersey Posts: 159	Sorry you are going through this! I do believe a lot of your problems stem from his drinking. It is a disease, and in order to stop he needs serious help. And he can NEVER have a drink again. I dated someone who was an alcoholic and I will never do it again. Maybe live apart, and tell him you won't considering working on anything until HE gets help. Oh, and drinking and sleeping a lot could be a sign of depression/self medication. Is he depressed about anything? Maybe he feels like a failure. And well, he is being one since he's treating you and your children like this. Something needs to be done asap. I truly hope all works out for you!!!! __________________ Nicole Baby Fidgette My MySpace The only reason I'm single is cuz no man deserves to be that happy!

10-13-2006, 05:25 AM	#2
Janet Moderator Donating 4WT 18K Club Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: INDIANA Posts: 21,625	Okay here goes my personal opinion again...I think you should stay apart for the time being. Go to couples therapy and if he won't go....go alone. After a couple has been together for awhile...it seems there comes some bumps in the road, in mine, it was a mountain!!! Discuss with him to get counceling for his drinking, if he is not willing, then he obviously cares more for the drink than his family. Anyway, you still need to go and get the help anyway. There are a lot of free services out there, also, if finances are a problem. I would definitely get to the root of the problem before the ties are severed. __________________ To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. ECCLESIASTES 3:1

10-13-2006, 05:32 AM	#3
magnolia Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Mississippi Posts: 482	I also have dealt with an alcoholic in the past (my older brother). Until your husband admits he has a drinking problem (and a person with a drinking problem is one who can't get through a single day without having a drink - and then can't stop with one), he will continue just as he has been. Also, as Janet said, he may be dealing with some depression and added with the drinking - not good. My heart goes out to you and am so glad you found this place - GREAT place to vent, laugh, and lean on shoulders (there are some great ones here). Try to get into counseling with him, or go alone. You will feel so much better Oh, and welcome to 4WT - hope you stick around and give us a chance to get to know you and you get to know us. __________________ Suzi "Wrinkles will only go where the smiles have been"....Jimmy Buffett

10-13-2006, 06:23 AM	#4
RLC12345678 4WT 500 Club Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 1,614	Your husband is probably drinking because he is depressed so confronting him about the drinking is going to cause him to feel threatened and attacked and I think that will only make matters worse. Afterall, I believe that it takes TWO to make a relationship work. Yes, he has his share of problems that are contributing to the decline of this marriage, but I am sure there are some things that you could work on yourself. It takes TWO to tango, as I like to say. So, with that being said, I would not attack your husband about his drinking and tell him that HE is the one that needs help and HE is the one who needs counseling. I think BOTH of you need help. You BOTH need to go to counseling together as well as separately. I think that in the counseling sessions would be a good time for BOTH of you to get everything out on the table. He can be open and honest about what he doesn't like about his life that is causing him to drink and you can be open and honest about your feelings. Men do not like to feel attacked or threatened. If you attack him, he is going to push harder and harder against you. I think in a caring and compassionate conversation, you need to express how you want to stay wtih him but yall BOTH need to go to counseling in order to make it work. Tell him that YOU BOTH have issues that you need to work on that will not be resolved without counseling. Tell him that it is as much your fault as it is his, even if you don't truly feel that it is. Give him an ultimateum...If he refuses to go to counseling, get a divorce. Best of luck to you. I, too, hope you stick around. We would love to get to know you better. __________________ Rebecca "To whom much is given, much is expected." ~Luke 12:48

10-13-2006, 08:44 AM	#6
SweetCuteness Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Oro Valley, AZ Posts: 120	While I do agree with what everyone has said - especially regarding the conceling, you kind of sound like your mind is 99% made up. For counceling to be able to work, you're going to have to go into it with an open mind. If your mind is saying "it's over, I'm done," the counceling will be ineffective. Best of luck to you!! __________________ Britta Nobody gets to live life backward. Look ahead, that is where your future lies.

10-13-2006, 06:26 AM	#5
Tiger Lily Guest Posts: n/a	I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I'll have to say, that I probably agree with the others about the drinking. If he's up all night drinking, then he'll continue sleeping all day instead of trying to mesh with you & the childerens daytime schedules. Although I do know some couples who are happy & compatible with such opposite schedules.....I know that I would not. I'm like you & want my guy around during all the 'normal' family times. How long have you been together? Are your children yours, his, both of yours?? How old are they? I tend to think that whenever children are involved, especially young children, than counceling is always a good bet. If you have some doubt about ending the relationship then maybe just try counceling. The worst that could happen is that the divorce is delayed & it sounds like the relationship is not unsafe for you or the kids. Who knows, maybe you can dig to the root of the problem & fix it. Has he always been a drinker & on a night schedule??

10-13-2006, 08:45 AM	#7
SweetCuteness Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Oro Valley, AZ Posts: 120	P.S. Welcome to 4WT!!!! __________________ Britta Nobody gets to live life backward. Look ahead, that is where your future lies.

10-13-2006, 11:25 AM	#8
Mandy Donating 4WT 4000 Club Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Who cares! Posts: 4,587	Just want to send you my best wishes and good luck with whatever decision you make. And welcome to 4WT, you have come to the right place __________________ Many people will walk in and out your life, but only true friends leave footprints!

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