Disappointed in my mom

[judy]

I have never forgiven my mother for not giving up her cigarettes Linds. She was sick my whole life with rheumatic fever, which affected her heart. She would often need an oxygen tank brought into the house. She would smoke in bed, right next to that tank! She could have blown up the whole house, with me in it!!!

She smoked until she died at the age of 56. Everyone catered to her and pampered her because she was sick, so they gave in to her smoking if she wanted to. She was in and out of the hospital, and I can understand their coddling her.

BUT, when I found out 2 years after she died, that the actual cause of her death was emphysema, I was furious! I still feel that way. She never told me that she had emphysema! My feeling is that she was so selfish that she didn't care enough about me to stop smoking. I was somewhere about your age when she died. Jessie was 14 months old. I needed a mother, and had needed a healthier mother my whole life.

So, right or wrong, rational, or not, I understand your feelings so well. I felt that if she loved me enough, she would have stopped smoking, so that I could have had a healthier mother, and maybe she could have lived a bit longer.

I know that is not the "right" way to feel, and that addiction overpowers people to the point where they don't think rationally about others. However, if I had expressed my feelings about how I felt to her, like you did to your mother, I know I would have felt better about it. She may not have stopped smoking in the end, but at least she would have known how much it hurt me. Keeping all of those feelings inside for so long was not at all good for me.

I hope she does stop, and I will be praying for her. I know you will work it out with her either way. You love her very much, but you have a right to tell her how you feel about things, and what you expect from her. What she does about it, is up to her. Like I said, I will be praying for her.