sexless relationships

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by Janet

Yes, Elaine...it sucks big time. He has to be reminded the yard needs mowed too. He's either blind or just plain stupid. I can't hardly stand to touch his clothes to wash them, but I do refuse to fold them. I use to, but then I would open up the chest of drawers and he had such a mess in them. So I decided not to even open them anymore. Why would I want to get myself upset. I should've left a long...long time ago!

I hated that my post to Haley sounded so cold, but she has two choices from where I sit. Get used to it and don't let it bother her...or get out.

Janet your post wasn't cold, your 100% right, i'm not happy and i need to make a choice and one very soon, your like me i do wash his clothes then i throw them in a pile downstairs and that's where they sit, i use to clean out his drawers all the time and they would get messed up the next day, and i would get so upset. now i just don't care.. if he wants to live like a pig then, let him i moved all his stuff downstairs in the basement because he was a pig. and there's clothes everywhere. and i don't care...

[Marilyn]

I've been silent in this thread so far. Lots of people have given you lots of advice. If you sit back and just look at the situation. What I see is two people who knew going into the marriage that there were some fundamental differences in personalities and expectations, but something brought you together. You decided for some reason to get married. Why? What brought you together? What made you think that he is the one you wanted to spend the rest of your life with? You need to stop and think on this. You say he's a pig and was when you married him. There must have been something attractive about this pig.

Newlyweds need time together. Time to get to know one another and establish a relationship. You need time to talk about everything, the past, the present, the future. You have to learn his quirks and he needs to get to know yours. When you throw into the mix a child right away, two dogs, two jobs and a house you are trying to maintain and remodel. It's no wonder you don't know each other and have not established your strong marriage relationship. You went for it all way too quickly. Newlyweds need to live in an apartment for a while with no grass to mow, and no pets so they can focus on each other.

Whether you decide to try to make it work or to dump him, you need to look at your lives. In order to have the time to build your futures whether that is together or apart, you need to simplify. In my opinion, you need to live with the house the way it is for a while, forget the remodel for now, or sell it and buy something or rent something that does not require so much energy. You may consider giving the dogs to caring family or friends so you have more time. If your dogs are yorkies, I know they take a lot of your time. Get back to the basics, you, your husband and Micah. Also, don't stress so much about everything being spotless. There is a certain level of sanitation we should all maintain, but if the dishes don't get done because you are spending time with your husband and child, so what. The dishes won't be hurt, just put a little clorox in the dishwater when you do get to them.

The most important priorities in your life right now are your husband and your child. God should be first, of course, but you have so much going on right now, you need to start with prayer and consider some of what I've said here.

These are just my thoughts and opinions, but if you step back and take a look at the big picture, this is what I see from my vantage point. After 35 years of marriage and 54 years of living, I've learned that we need to focus our time on the most important things in life, and relationships are way up on the list. Houses come and go, and so do things. Pets while we enjoy them a lot, should not be our focus when you have so much else going on. They live a few years and then they are gone. The older you get, the less important some of the details become.

I'm still stressed out over little things myself, so the pot is sitting here calling the kettle black a bit, but my dishes aren't clean right now, and it's okay because hubby and I are busy living and we have a daughter we want to spend some time with this weekend. He and she are what is important to me, not that pot I used to cook spagetti, or the unfolded laundry in the laundry room.

[HALEY]

Marylin, He did help me alot when the baby was born, i just guess the newness of the baby wore off! He was so happy when he found out i was pregnant then that wore off too, he only went to two doctors visits with me. and he was there when Micah was born... I sat home by myself for 9 months while he went out with his friends every weekend, and i'm still pissed about that today. that really hurt..
I do love Mike and i always will, i tryed to talk to him, tried yelling, bitching, nagging. nothing works he's in his own little world.
I was attracted to him in high school but we dated a couple years after that, Mike is very good looking man, somewhat of a bad boy, the Harley Davidson guy that i fell in love with, we both love to ride motorcycles. that's one of the reason i fell in love with him. we use to go out every weekend and have a blast with our friends, but you can't do that anymore when you have kids, i grew out of that lifestyle and he seems to not want to let it go! and i believe i got pregnant way too soon, on my honeymoon! it just went so fast, we were married then i was a mother, yes all you ladies were right there was no us time. plus taking on an old house remolding it. I try to make us time, go out to dinner, but he always calls his friends to meet up with us, and he knows that pisses me off. why he does it i don't know.. Were going to have a couple of days off and i will set some us time once again, to try and talk to him, and see what he wants to do... I am willing to try once again, but i need him to try too. well see what the weekend brings.

[teri88]

Haley you said the most important thing of all at the end of your last post:that you are willing to try and you need him to try too. It will take both of you to save this marriage if it's going to be saved. You guys really need to consider counceling. He has a lot of growing up to do and he's not going to listen to you, he needs to hear it from an "outsider".

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by teri88

Haley you said the most important thing of all at the end of your last post:that you are willing to try and you need him to try too. It will take both of you to save this marriage if it's going to be saved. You guys really need to consider counceling. He has a lot of growing up to do and he's not going to listen to you, he needs to hear it from an "outsider".

I do try Teri, but it seems like i'm the only one trying! it just gets so frustrating i just want to scream or pull all my hair out...

[Marilyn]

Haley, Sweetie, I'm going to hit you a bit hard here, so brace yourself. First, this needs to also be prefaced with the fact that you need to be discussing this with a councelor. Okay, here goes, did he want the old house to fix up, or did you? Did he agree to it because you wanted it so bad, not realizing what he was signing up for? And why do you have to completely give up your motorcycling lifestyle just because you have a child? You're available time to go out is greatly reduced by having a child, but you could schedule some time for Micah to stay with a sitter once in a while so you could go out on the scooter together. Just think how much better you would feel about life after spending some time on the back of your ride with the wind in your face and your arms around Mike. Micah is an amazing child, and you are being a very responsible mom. Building the relationship with his dad is part of your responsibility. If he were abusing you, or sleeping around, what I'm expressing here would not apply, but it doesn't sound like that is the case.

Look at this from his perspective. He married a fun gal that he enjoyed doing crazy biker things with and he got an old house with lots of time consuming work and a yard, a child, and a wife who is placing a lot demands on him. You've only been married two years. You have taken on responsibilities that stress much more mature relationships.

Just think about it. He has a lot of maturing to do. That's obvious!! but, try to look at it from his perspective, too.

I sincerely hope that you do get to spend some quality time together this weekend. Please let us know how it goes. And, please understand that my words come from a caring heart. If I didn't care, I'd have skipped this thread. You and Mike are in my sincerest prayers.

[DianaB]

I think that Marilyn has given you some really good advice.

My husband doesn't do hardly anything around the house either, but I refuse to dwell on it. He's a good, hard-working man in every other area. I appreciate his hard work and I don't want or like to be naggy at him when he's home. Our home is a place of refuge that I want him to come to, not be driven away from by my negative words.

I mow the yard everytime it needs mowed. I have a basement that leaks and I've waited and waited for it to be repaired so I finally found something and, hopefully, I have it stopped for awhile. He does help empty the dishwasher some and will do some cleaning to help out, but not very often. My husband has the whole winter to get things done that he can't get done in the summer because he's busy, but nothing gets done. We've lived in our new home now for 9 years and basically I have nothing in the back yard. It's sloped and the dirt is washing away. I have rotten wooden steps from my back door and no patio, nothing. I could go on and on about what doesn't get done because there are many, many things. I try to do the best that I can to keep things up. I get fustrated, very fustrated, but I still appreciate him. I try to look at the positives and there's a lot more positives than negatives. I have a wonderful marriage because I refuse to dwell on the problems.

[HALEY]

Originally Posted by Marilyn

Haley, Sweetie, I'm going to hit you a bit hard here, so brace yourself. First, this needs to also be prefaced with the fact that you need to be discussing this with a councelor. Okay, here goes, did he want the old house to fix up, or did you? Did he agree to it because you wanted it so bad, not realizing what he was signing up for? And why do you have to completely give up your motorcycling lifestyle just because you have a child? You're available time to go out is greatly reduced by having a child, but you could schedule some time for Micah to stay with a sitter once in a while so you could go out on the scooter together. Just think how much better you would feel about life after spending some time on the back of your ride with the wind in your face and your arms around Mike. Micah is an amazing child, and you are being a very responsible mom. Building the relationship with his dad is part of your responsibility. If he were abusing you, or sleeping around, what I'm expressing here would not apply, but it doesn't sound like that is the case.

Look at this from his perspective. He married a fun gal that he enjoyed doing crazy biker things with and he got an old house with lots of time consuming work and a yard, a child, and a wife who is placing a lot demands on him. You've only been married two years. You have taken on responsibilities that stress much more mature relationships.

Just think about it. He has a lot of maturing to do. That's obvious!! but, try to look at it from his perspective, too.

I sincerely hope that you do get to spend some quality time together this weekend. Please let us know how it goes. And, please understand that my words come from a caring heart. If I didn't care, I'd have skipped this thread. You and Mike are in my sincerest prayers.

The house i bought on my own Marlyin when Mike and i were broke up, it was an estate sale and it was in my budget at the time, as for fixing it up, i spend almost my entire savings doing it myself with the help of some very good friends. When Mike and i got back together that's when he started helping me fix the house up, and there not to much more that needs to be done, if Mike would do it! I can't get him to do anything! When i save some money for the kitchen and bathroom i will hire people to finish the house if that's the way he wants to be. I learned my lesson on the house stuff.
As for riding the motorcyle, the reason it has been sitting in the garage all summer is Mike is on his Second DUI and he has an interlock in my car and i had to surender the motorcycle plates! cause he refuses to Grow up and act like an adult when he rides the bike he hooks up with his friends and can't control his drinking and driving, he gets his lis. back August 8th and i am so affraid he'll do it again, and i'm so sick of bitching at him, he knows the next time he gets caught he'll spend a year in jail, and that's were he will stay unless his mother gets him out. I refuse to put anymore of my hard earned money into a nother DUI, i already spent borrowed money off my family invested 4,000 in getting him out of trouble sick to death of it.... Yes i love to ride but i can't afford to ride with him...
I really didn't want to get into all this, but i didn't want to look or sound like such a nag all the time, but this is the reason i bitch so much, i scared he'll go back to jail again... he's an alcoholic and he knows it...